The hardest part is getting started...RIGHT?

40 lbs!

2008-06-12T09:31:00.002-04:00

Wow, I have finally made it to the big 40! I officially feel like I have done something hard :)

Well, today is 4 day of my 11 day diet. I am pretty proud of myself for doing as well as I have - but I have slipped. So, things could be better - but I will take what I can get.

I am a little bummed this morning - I have been weighing myself every morning to give myself incentive to keep going - cause sometimes it gets really tough and my lazy ass starts to think that backsliding won't hurt too bad... Well to the point, Tuesday morning I lost 1 lb, Wednesday morning I lost 2 lbs, and this morning I gained a pound. So, I am wigging out because things aren't "perfect".

I will get over it. But, I do really really hope that when this 11 day menu is up that I won't gain the weight back faster than I can blink.

So, I am sitting here telling myself to relish on the good things and keep going. That's how it's done... right?

Here come the mountains after the plains..

2008-06-08T16:25:00.002-04:00

Well, I have been sitting still here at 251 for awhile. Even though, in the world of my weight loss things have been boring my eating has not! I have been eating whatever I want whenever and I haven't gained - thankfully!

But... (here comes the catch) my trainer is not satisfied! So, she has made a menu that she wants me to eat for 11 days. She wants to "jump-start" my eating habits. Sadly, to say she is more determined about my weight loss efforts than I am. Don't get me wrong - it is something I am ALWAYS concerned about - but I fizzle out from time to time. Sometimes, pushing the rock up the mountain gets old and you gotta stop - shift and get your bearings straight to get going again.

The diet is mostly protein, veggies, and fruit. From time to time she throws in some carbs - but not many. She has looked at my food journal and fussed at me because I am not eating a third of my protein requirements and eating too many carbs. Ah, what can I say? I am addicted to carbs.

So, on one hand I am excited and another I am scared. I am excited because maybe I can get through this and get going again - possibly make it to my half way point before the end of the year.. Then I am fearful - what if I go through sugar withdrawal and just can't handle it? What if it hurts too bad?!?!

Yes, I am a weenie.

Well, I will be back this week a lot - bitching and moaning about how I have to eat what's good for me :) I start tomorrow - wish this weenie some strength!

Truth be told...

2008-05-13T16:23:00.003-04:00

I suck at this!

I stuck to eating consciously for 1 week and lost 5 lbs... you would think that would motive me to do better ... right??? Yeah, not the case - I start slacking off and get too comfortable and my weight starts to rise right back up. It's the same old story... but one thing I am doing this time is I am not giving up. No matter how horrible I do - I refuse to stop - I am going to achieve this even if it takes me 10 years!

I told my personal trainer that I quit going to my Weight Watchers meetings. She said, "If you are not going to be accountable to Weight Watchers anymore - I guess you are going to have to be accountable to me - YOU ARE GOING to e-mail me every night with what you ate during the day." Ouch! Talk about not being able to dodge a bullet! I don't like being held accountable... it means I have to do what I "want" to do... but what I "want" to do hurts! But, the person inside my head keeps telling me that if I want to change I am going to have to face the demons I have been ignoring. Who wants to do that?

Well, I guess I do.

If I want to be the person I muse then I am going to have to get uncomfortable... tantrum and all.

2nd Qtr Challenge - here I come!

2008-04-19T21:28:00.003-04:00

Hey guys and gals...

For the past six months I have been stuck in the mid to high 50's while doing Weight Watchers. I would constantly push myself and do really well then from exhaustion just not give a crap and gain what I lost back.

So... my Mom called me about some "weight loss" show she was watching on TLC called I Can Make You Thin. I promised her I would watch it but I knew it was going to be nothing of use to me. Well, after watching the 1st show it definitely grabbed my attention. It wasn't your usual "take this magic pill and watch the weight melt away!" scheme. It actually sounded like good grounded common sense. My Mom begged me to go on it with her for at least 1 week - she knew I had been battling myself with Weight Watchers for awhile and didn't want me to give up.

It was really strange the 1st week. It was actually hard for me to tell when I was full! I also had to stop myself from wigging out about - "I gotta eat this - I can't have that.." mentality. But, I found myself having much more control over myself because I didn't have to worry about not being able to have "insert something yummy here". I found myself getting full a lot sooner with a lot less food. And to boot - I was content because I was eating what I actually wanted!

The 1st week I lost close to 5 lbs and my Mom lost 7 lbs! ... and it was WAY too easy! So, fad or not I am giving this method a run. There is no 1 method that is the only right one... something different works for all of us. Maybe this is my solution.. I sure hope so.

-4.2 LB, 5.2 To Go!

2008-03-06T13:08:00.002-05:00

Wow!

I had a fairly good week this past week but man I wasn't expecting that type of loss! I am so used to teetering around 257 - my lowest weight. But FINALLY, I broke through my plateau!

I was thinking about not going to weigh in this morning because my daughter is sick and out of school. But, I knew I wouldn't be there long so I took her with me. Glad I did! When, I see this type of loss it gets me even more motivated to be better!

Thank you, Jesus! :)

I have a decent shot at reaching my 1st Quarter Goal now! Woohoo - I'm gonna give it some hell!

-1.2 LB, 97.4 To Go

2008-02-12T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well, the past two weeks have been relatively good.

I have tried to focus more on what types of foods I am eating. I am going by the Core Plan on Weight Watchers to lead my choices but still counting my flex points. I have tried to limit my sugar as much as possible. I usually have some type of slip up everyday. I did have one perfect day recently though... last Thursday - I ate very well and even had 4 points left over after dinner to use for dessert. It felt so nice to do so well! But, I was busy all day. Being a SAHM, it is hard not to munch... and on that Thursday I didn't have time to munch. Today I didn't journal what I ate. If I think about what I have eaten today - I did nothing but snack until dinner time. My son had a big heart filled with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and who knows how many I finally ended up eating... 1 here .. 1 there...

But, I don't want to focus on the negative... the positive? I met my weight goal for last week. :) I changed my 1st Quarter Challenge goal from 235 to 249. It is just more realistic for me... I lose weight very slowly - but the weight I have lost I have pretty much kept off... which is good.

I have been working out like a dog. My friend (who is only 10 lbs overweight)started going to the gym with me again. After my 1st 15 mins on the treadmill and elliptical today she said she couldn't do anymore and moved on... I have surpassed her as far as cardio health. It is hard to think that my heart is in better shape than hers - yet I am 100 lbs over weight and her only 10 lbs.

One good thing about this journey so far is how much I have started loving to work out. For that 1 hour I feel like I have control... self control... and it is very sweet. Sometimes while I am working out really hard I will all of the sudden get this urge to cry and I have to quickly think of something else to get it to pass. I have never worked so hard in my life for anything other than this.

There was a girl in front of me and my friend today on a treadmill. Her body could not been more perfect - exactly what I dream about. She was normal yet fit. She ran on the treadmill for 30 mins + and had hardly broken a sweat. I wonder if she has always been like that? Has she ever been fat? Has she ever loved food too much?

Since the new year I have seen a lot more obese people in the gym. So many times I want to go up to them and say, "I am in this with you.." but I am too chicken. You never know how people will react to any comment related to their appreance.

Well, tomorrow is another day... and another chance to get this right.

Another Missed WI

2008-01-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

This year has gotten off on an unorganized foot, if I may say...

I have been sick this week - fever, sore throat... all the fun stuff!

Recently, I have discovered that when I don't journal my food during the day that I actually eat less. When I am trying to have a "good" day I constantly constrict myself - which leads to me feeling completely worn out and deprived. Then I usually start pushing the envelope with a little "something something" here and a little "something something" there... then I finally bust and I just don't care... I eat all the wrong things and in huge quantities. Then after a day of going completely rogue - I jump back on the wagon and do pretty well.. for awhile. It is a huge pattern that has put a lot of strain on my weight loss... it is the main reason (I think) why I haven't made it through my current plateau yet.

So how do I deal with this? Do I have an outlier day every once in a while? Or is this something that we all experience along the way and just have to buckle down and get through?

Hello '08!

2008-01-15T09:38:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone!

Well I am determined to make this year count! Trying to get healthy is one of the hardest things I have ever tackled. But, I know I can do this - and I know I will eventually get there. I am ready to change how I think about my body and the food I feed it. This isn't any longer about vanity - this is about my health and how I feel. Gosh, it has taken me so long to get where I am now - but I am not willing to let that get me down - because I have to have this!

My 20's have been wasted. I have been over weight, self conscious and withdrawn. I don't want to lose another year! I want to enjoy life and have fun - not obsess and cry over how I treat myself. I am worth it! I am a nice, fun person! I used to doubt myself - be very unsure - constantly think about why anyone would ever like me. NO MORE! Being down sucks - I want to climb up top! I want to enjoy being in public, being social, even having sex!

So, I have to realize that it is going to be hard - but it will be worth it. This isn't about willpower - this is about changing how I think about myself.

1. I am worth it.
2. I will have bad days - At times I will get discouraged.
3. I will no longer dwell on what I have done to myself.
4. I will focus on what lies ahead.
5. I will never believe that I can't do this.
6. I will never accept that I can't look hot.
7. Sugar and carbs will no longer be the staple of my diet.
8. In order to change I have to give up things that I think I can't live without.
9. I will workout 4x a week.
10. I will mainly drink water with an occasional diet soda. No fruit juices.
11. I will snack on fresh veggies, fruit, and low fat cheese.
12. NO more fast food for me or my children.
13. When I do eat carbs they must be whole grain.
14. I will stay within my points everyday.
15. I will only weigh in at Weight Watchers. NO more scale obsessing!
16. I will mentally imagine myself in the future everyday.
17. I will be a good example for my children.
18. I will be excited about the journey as well as the destination.
19. I will not compare my weight loss to others.
20. I will not feel sorry for myself anymore.
21. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

I can do all of these things. God doesn't give me anything I can't handle - so I better suck it up and tackle it.

My sister-in-law passed on this very cool site to me. A girl who went from 300 to 120 lbs. Fit by Jen She is a great inspiration. She is now healthy and hot! For once in my life I want to be hot! I want to take my own breath away!

And I will. I will!

I'm alive!

2007-12-26T22:11:00.000-05:00

... and still fat!

Ha!

Listen guys - I dunno who, or how many people read this but I am taking it all off! NO more sugar coating or beating around the bush. I am tired of being a fat-ass and if I don't do something about it in 2008 - it just isn't gonna get done!

I have been lazy. I have been avoiding change. Losing weight is gonna suck. Telling myself NO is gonna suck - working out isn't always gonna be fun! I am so prideful that I have kept myself from fighting the fight to dodge a chance of failure.

Lets cut the crap. If I want to be thin - I'm gonna have to make some big ass sacrifices.

So, lets friggin' do it already!

-1 lb, 9 To Go

2007-11-09T12:22:00.000-05:00

I actually went from 259.0 to 258.8 so it isn't really a pound but on this blog I usually don't get that specific.

I can already feel the pull of the holidays creeping up.

Eggnog...

Gonna have to make a game plan soon.

I rethought some things and I changed my current goal to 249. I just want to get out of the 50's! I have been in them since May! Ridiculous!

-0 lb, 20 To Go

2007-11-02T08:40:00.000-04:00

Well, after all of my days of not logging my food and eating Halloween candy like it is going out of style; I am surprised that I maintained.

But, on to a new week with better choices!

-??, ?? To Go

2007-10-28T11:26:00.000-04:00

I didn't weigh in this week. I didn't get up in time to go to my Weight Watchers meeting... I was really upset cause going helps me stay focused. This past weekend has been a huge challenge. But, I made a menu for the next week, starting tomorrow, so this week should be a healthy one.

Jamaican Steak, Cauliflower Pasta with portabella mushrooms, Chili Mac, and Honey Grilled Pork Chops are just some of my dinner options. I haven't tried any of these recipes so I will let you guys know how well they taste.

I am hoping for my next weigh in to be as close to 255 as possible... here's to hoping! Be back Thursday!

New Discoveries!

2007-10-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

Hey guys,

As you may know I am a huge sugar freak... Well, I have needed to curb my sugar intake but not deny myself sugar - so I went to Wal-Mart and found some really good, small sugar treats that won't kill you on points/calories.

Here they are:

1.) Entenmann's Little Bites 100 Calorie Packs Brownies (2 pts)

I am eating these as I type and they are very chocolaty! If you need chocolate there is a lot of taste in this small serving! 4 stars!

2.) Mrs. Smiths Heavenly 100 Calorie Apple Crisp (2 pts)

These were pretty good. There was more apples than crisp - but I guess that is to be expected when you are only inhaling 100 calories. Next time I think I am going to add this on top of some no sugar added vanilla ice cream! If you like apple pie I would try it.

3.) Keebler Mini Graham Cracker Pie Crusts (3 pts)

I love to get low fat sweetened condensed milk and fresh lemon juice and dump it into a graham cracker crust and refrigerate it. It is very quick, smooth, cold, and tangy. One pie is usually around 55 points and I love it so much most of the time I can't trust my portion sizes when it is residing in my fridge. So, I found these small crusts and I am going to make mini pies and freeze them. When I feel like having one I will throw it into the fridge to thaw and later indulge. This way I can get what I want but not commit a kamikaze. Hopefully, when said and done the minis will be around 8 points each.

4.) Betty Crocker's Warm Delight Minis 150 Calories (3 pts)

I haven't tried this dessert yet, but it looks enticing! I got the Chocolate Molten Cake. I am a sucker for cakes, cupcakes, or any type of pastry. This is quick, and hopefully good and it reminds me of something I would get for dessert dining out. I hope it is good!

5.) Smart Ones Desserts (3 - 4 pts)

I have tried the Chocolate Chip Sundae, and Key Lime Pie. I bought the Strawberry Short Cake but haven't tried it yet. The others are great though! They taste wonderful and put an end to your sugar cravings! The only problem I have is only eating one - but as long as I know I can have one tomorrow too, it is easier.

- 2 lb, 24 To Go

2007-10-18T15:09:00.000-04:00

Well, there has to be a God because there is no other way I could have possibly lost weight this week! I ate horribly!

Oh well, I really want to be healthy more that I care about losing weight so - I have been failing miserably.

I can do this -- I know I can -- I just gotta make up my mind.

That fat person in the mirror...

2007-10-17T15:34:00.000-04:00

I went to see my trainer this morning. After we were finished she took me to a step aerobics class - she keeps urging more different types of cardio through out the week.

So, I got my bench and started the class... it was quite embarrassing because I didn't know any of the moves and I have no balance what so ever... but I was still okay laughing at myself and giving it my all.

Then it all changed when I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. Who the hell was that fat chick? I was the biggest person in the class and every part of me was jiggling.

At that moment all of my glory from losing 30 lbs was lost. My self image doesn't match at all with the reality of myself. I always think, "Yeah, I'm overweight - but it isn't that bad..." Well, today it hit me - I am that bad. I am huge...and sad. After class I came home and ate 1/2 pie and a large coke.

I'm pretty down.

Even though my mind knows that feeling self pity isn't the right option - it is being a bitch trying to shake it off.

What is it going to take for me to get serious?

- 2 LB, 86 To Go

2007-10-11T13:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I actually didn't do so well this week and I still lost.

Yesterday, I ate 4 Weight Watchers desserts in a row totaling 14 points in all! I guess I just can't have lots of desserts on hand until I get a hold of my sugar cravings. I haven't binged liked that in awhile. It just goes to show that your old habits are easy to come by... unfortunately!

And Deb, I do really like Weight Watchers. I love going to the meetings. We all talk about what has been difficult, and how some members have found ways through those times. It is nice to be in a room filled with people who want the same things as you and the fact that you all can relate to one another. It honestly does help me... a lot. I can see my self easily succeeding following the Weight Watchers guidelines. If you have anymore questions just ask me!

Well, my 2 year old and 4 month old puppy are destroying my house so I better go. Be back next week!

Ctr+Alt+Del

2007-10-07T21:06:00.000-04:00

Crap, I screwed up.

I completely fell off the band wagon and gained some pounds. In order to not gain everything back, I decided to dish out the money and start attending the Weight Watchers meetings again.

This past Thursday I joined. Fully clothed I weighed in at 263. :(

It is so hard to stay focused. It isn't eating better, or working out that make it difficult to lose weight - its the consistency that you must maintain. You have to maintain the change.

I have to MAINTAIN the CHANGE.

It even sounds hard... Am I the only one out here that is having such a hard time changing?

Please share your thoughts with me! I'm not alone right?!?

- 3 LB, 81 To Go

2007-09-14T10:02:00.000-04:00

Alrighty! I got right back on track after my vacations - I am ready to get out of the 50's! I haven't been in the 40's since... 2002!

I did really well this past week except for yesterday. I had a meeting to go to in the AM and all they had were donuts and apple juice - so I had 1, yes I promise only 1, donut then some juice. Then I got a latte on the way home... um pumpkin spice! I don't even think I had lunch - then I ordered pizza for dinner because I was too lazy to cook. Yep, yesterday was a bad day... but today won't be!

The fall time is where I start to munch a lot more than usual - so I gotta watch myself. I love anything pumpkin. I did find a low fat pumpkin bread recipe from
Kraft Foods if anyone is interested. I am going to make it for sure!

Layered Pumpkin Loaf

Prep Time: 20 min
Total Time: 1 hr 25 min
Makes: 1 loaf or 16 servings, one slice each

1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup plus 2 Tbsp. granulated sugar, divided
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
4 egg whites, divided
1/2 cup fat-free milk
1/4 cup canola oil
2 cups flour
2-1/2 tsp. CALUMET Baking Powder
2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1/4 tsp. salt
1 pkg. (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Neufchatel Cheese, 1/3 Less Fat than Cream Cheese, softened

PREHEAT oven to 350ºF. Grease a nonstick 9x5-inch loaf pan; set aside. Mix pumpkin, 1 cup granulated sugar, the brown sugar, 3 of the egg whites, milk and oil in large bowl. Add flour, baking powder, pie spice and salt; stir just until moistened. Set aside. Beat Neufchatel cheese, remaining 2 Tbsp. granulated sugar and the remaining egg white with wire whisk until well blended.
SPOON half of the pumpkin batter into prepared pan; spoon Neufchatel cheese mixture evenly over the batter. Cover with remaining pumpkin batter.
BAKE 1 hour to 1 hour 5 min. or until wooden toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Run knife or thin spatula around edges of pan to loosen bread; cool in pan on wire rack 10 min. Remove bread from pan to wire rack; cool completely.

* 5 points per serving.

Enjoy!

+4, 84 LB To Go

2007-09-09T08:11:00.000-04:00

Hey guys....

Well, I have been on vacation for the past 2 weeks. It has been fun but I am ready to get back into my old routine!

The first week my husband and I went to Seattle. Man, what a beautiful city! We enjoyed it so much that we have been playing with the idea of relocating there... but that is another story. While we were there we walked everywhere and we were so busy doing things that eating was sparse. So, I actually ended up losing a pound that week without even trying.

But last week we went to the beach with my husband's family... that week was horrible with a capital H!! I ate sooooo badly, and I only did some type of physical fitness 1 day out of 7! So, I deserve the 4 lb gain.

I asked my husband when he thought I would be able to be in a situation when everyone around me is eating horribly and I will still be strong enough to make good food choices....? I was trying so hard to pump myself up about this trip .... I was going to eat right regardless of what was in the fridge ... I had even brought some healthy snacks .... but when I was there I fell into temptation and ate like the rest of the skinny folk....

That is going to be a day to remember.. when I don't follow the band wagon.

I hope everyone is having a good summer -- gonna go read up on every one's news -- thanks for checking up on me Abba!

+1 LB, 81 To Go

2007-08-19T11:40:00.000-04:00

Ah... well I am on my cycle so I am hoping that is all the gain is...

I did measure myself and I have lost another inch on my waist and 1/2 inch on my hips...

You ever have those days where you get depressed thinking that you are just spinning your wheels? That is how I am feeling today...

Better mood next time...

- 3 LB, 80 To Go!!! 1st Goal Met!

2007-08-10T08:46:00.000-04:00

Ah, it is finally here! I have reached my 1st goal!!! This is my all time new lowest :)

I get excited knowing that once I get to 248, I will have lost 40 LBS! That number just sounds really big!

This past week I have worked out a little -- been hectic with the kids going to school and the new puppy - I have been twice this week... I lowered my points by 5 pts to get through my plateau and it seems to have worked! At first it was hard because at night I would go to bed hungry - but now it isn't so bad. It think that is the hardest part - going through the pain of getting your stomach to shrink - cause your body will make you think you are starving!

It has been so hot that I haven't had any problems getting my water in. Too, being hot makes me lose some of my appetite. In the winter I gain two appetites!

-1 LB, 83 To Go

2007-08-06T09:23:00.001-04:00

I celebrated my birthday this past weekend and did really well with my cake. The majority of the cake was sent home with me and I had a nice size piece then threw the rest away! Felt pretty nice to be able to get rid of it!

My hormones have been running wild and I have been battling ups and downs and emotional eating. I went to the grocery store and got healthy stuff so I just have to watch how much I eat.

My husband got me a puppy for my birthday and I am pretty excited about being more motivated to be physically active while NOT at the gym. I would love to go on daily walks with her.

School started back for my kids and I am feeling rejuvenated to get healthy! I never fully let go of my healthier lifestyle but I do get in ruts where I forget what I am trying to accomplish and go haywire on sweets! I really beat myself up when I stray from the track but reading others success stories helps remind me that this journey is long and hard and I gotta be steadfast...

- 3 LB, 84 To Go

2007-07-27T17:52:00.000-04:00

Well, finally I am getting back to the lowest point I have been!

This time I want to never go back to the 60's. So, I'm gonna have to focus on breaking through the 50's. I am not surprised that 260ish has been a plateau for me. That is how much I weighed before I had my second child - so I think it is a comfortable spot for my body.

I have lowered my daily points value by 5 points to get through this plateau. So, I think it is working.

I'm still trucking it at the gym. This week I have made it Monday and Thursday so I am gonna have to make myself go tomorrow to get at least 3x in.

As a family we have decided that we are ready for a dog. Been looking - going tomorrow... I hope that having a dog might egg me on to be a little more active with my kids - the only exercise I get is at the gym... it would be nice to have mandatory walks together.

Well, if I can just break through these last 4 pounds I will have made my first goal!

-0 LB, 87 To Go

2007-07-20T11:02:00.000-04:00

Well, no change this week. I did really well this week except for the cake fiasco. But, I did start my period this week - I have been having it every 2 weeks so hopefully my meds will kick in soon!

So, I get discouraged because I have been hovering at 260 for 3 months now - but if I keep on kicking it the weight has got to fall off sometime soon right?

I feel like my body is changing - but the scale and measuring tape say otherwise. My husband even said that for the first time in a long time he is starting to see my waist. My waist to hips ratio is rather scary - I look like a box!

Well, no matter how long it takes my body to decide to let it go - I'm not gonna give up - this is all I have towards a happier and healthier me.

Ummm... Cake!

2007-07-18T22:59:00.000-04:00

After having a great couple of days with handling my diet - I went and fudged it up today.

I had my healthy cereal this morning and jumped on the road with the kids - we had tons of errands. By the time I could think about eating I was at the grocery store... and I lost to the fattie in me and bought a small cake.

Ummmm... cake is such a weakness for me -- why would I even let myself buy one!?! So, we got home - I fed the kids and put them down for a nap - then I had a piece of cake - then later I had another piece for a "snack"... then another piece for dinner -- well you get the point - by the time I put the kids in the bed I looked at the cake and realized I had eaten half of it completely by myself!!!

AH - the HORROR!

The worst thing about it is that I did all of this eating almost unconsciously. It didn't even occur to me that I was 1) eating fattening cake and 2) a lot of it! Whenever I screw up badly my brain exits and my body goes nuts!

Well, my brain is back and in control - gonna go to the gym tomorrow and eat right - and get back on this buck-o!

-1 LB, 87 To Go

2007-07-13T18:43:00.000-04:00

I just got back from the gym... doing my good ole hour and half workout. I always feel on top of the world after I workout - I faintly see the light at the end of the tunnel!

There was this girl working out next to me, she was very fit and pretty. I have never seen someone get hit on as much as her! Young guys, old guys you name it!

Anyways, my success on Weight Watchers has given my dad some motivation to try it. He has already lost 20 lbs! He wants to lose about the same amount as I do - so maybe we can do it together.

Today has been a wonderful day for my diet. I wish all days were like this! I have eaten good wholesome foods within my point range and I haven't been crazy for any type of junk food that is in my pantry. My husband has Double Stuffed Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, the kids have pretzels and nacho chips... all things I could go crazy on! But today the Lord has blessed me with ability to say NO!

Well I am rambling -- I hope everyone has great results this week, and a good, HEALTHY weekend!

-1 LB, 88 To Go

2007-07-08T10:30:00.000-04:00

Well, I didn't do half of what I said I would do while on vacation. I didn't exercise at all, and by the time Thursday night rolled around I was eating 4-5 pieces of cookie cake and washing it down with some Coke.

But, by Saturday morning I was so ready to get back to my normal eating habits - I felt bloated and nauseous. Needless to say, it hasn't been hard at all to move back to where I was, I actually wanted to!

So, I didn't accomplish my goals of sticking to eating healthy or exercising while on vacation but one thing I have learned is that the changes I have made are starting to become my lifestyle and that is the larger accomplishment that matters the most.

- 1 LB, 89 To Go

2007-06-29T08:17:00.000-04:00

Well, slowly but surely...

I have found a new lunch that is pretty tasty. I get a whole wheat tortilla and spread some Naturally More Peanut Butter on it and layer it with a sliced banana. It is really fulfilling - plus the peanut butter has flax seed in it which is good for you.

Next week I go on vacation to the mountains. My food choices are going to be a challenge. The rest of my family has quit trying to lose weight - so the healthy food choices won't be so abundant. So, I am going to have to think ahead and prepare meals just for myself. It is a lot harder to change alone - but I don't want this to be yet another failed attempt. For exercise I plan on hiking trails and doing lunges, sit ups, push ups - stuff like that everyday.

I hope everyone has a great week - and if you live in the States a great holiday! Be back on the 8th!

-1 LB, 90 To Go

2007-06-25T22:12:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess that is some good news huh?

I have been working out religiously and trying to eat healthier choices. I have loved how in control working out makes me feel, and I tried out a kickboxing class and really enjoyed it! I looked like a fool - but I just laughed at myself and kept going, at least I am trying! The kickboxing instructor had so much energy and was so excited, now granted I know she isn't like that all the time - but I NEVER feel like that and I crave it. My husband always tells me that if you want to be better you gotta hang out with people who challenge you. Getting physically fit is a huge challenge - but one I want dearly.

My trainer has been showing me how simple moves can really work your muscles. I dunno I guess it kinda hit me that you don't have to be a genius to get fit you just have to move and keep moving.

My trainer was talking to me about nutrition. She asked me what I had problems with in my diet and I told her that I eat too much processed food that I have around for the kids and not enough whole grains, veggies etc. She said, "...you can't have Oreo's in the house - they do nothing for your body whatsoever..." I dunno why it has taken so long but a bell went off in my head. If I want to have a good looking body that responds then I gotta spend the extra money on the premium gasoline. I mean seriously how many hot models do you see with Oreo's, Little Debbies, and Cokes in their fridges? You can't have beautiful skin, radiant hair, polished nails feeding your body corn syrup and preservatives.

Now, there are some women who can eat junk and still look hot. I know a few - but they all have acne, run tired and out of breath easily. If I could be thin and hot without effort but feel the same as I do now, would I want that over working hard but resulting with a beautiful body, mind, spirit?

I think for the first time in my life I don't want to take the easy route. I'm changing slowly but surely...

+ 6 LB, 91 To Go

2007-06-18T09:04:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I am really frustrated.

All last week I met with my trainer and she worked my butt out. This week I am on my own - which I know I will be fine. The huge gain is such a depressing thing to see. I am so discouraged.

I am not really sure why I have had such a huge gain. I know that you gain when you first start doing weights - but 6 lbs? Secondly, I have been off my meds for about 3 weeks now - mostly due to the insurance company taking their sweet time to get my enrollment info to me. So, I could be gaining because I have been without my metformin. Being without my wellbutrin hasn't been easy either. I have been a real capital "B" lately.... I hate that.

So, anyways - I am determined NOT to quit - this will happen! I have to just keep telling myself that set backs are going to happen on this never ending journey.

Possibly A New Chapter

2007-06-13T12:50:00.000-04:00

OK, as everyone knows I have been doing horribly lately. But I got off my rear and called a local personal trainer and had my first session yesterday. I ended up fainting - so we all know I was actually doing some progress - just maybe a little too much at once! :)

But, after hitting my first plateau I found myself slowly creeping back towards my old habits. I am serious about change so I did what I have been really terrified to do - experience a REAL workout - with the discomfort included. I am so lazy...I want to workout but not be inconvenienced. I have been working out since December and I have loved it. But, my workouts were all cardio and the worst that happened was I lost my breath and got really sweaty. Yesterday we didn't do one thing cardio - all resistance training.... You aren't moving fast but man it is hard! It kicks your butt hardcore! Simple push ups, sit ups, squats.... My muscles were shaking about 2 mins into it. But, I am learning what I have to do to get the results I want.

I go back this afternoon for another assessment - and even though I am really sore I am excited.

+2, 85 To Go

2007-06-04T10:28:00.000-04:00

Argh. I have been doing terribly lately. I haven't been tracking what I eat and I'm having a horrible time controlling my urges to overeat. Portion sizes, portion sizes!

Every time I have tried to change the way I eat after about 3 months I find myself sabotaging the success I have made. Why? I dunno... I get comfortable and start slipping back into my old ways. But I want this time to be different - I want to keep trucking through. I WANT TO CHANGE! I don't want to make excuses for myself - I don't want to be lazy!

I have so many cool things coming up this year to keep me motivated - but I quickly forget about them when I don't want to watch my portions. This year I am going to Seattle for the first time, the beach, and the mountains. I haven't been on vacation since 2004! In 2004 we traveled overseas and I was at 260, where I am now - and I had bruises on my hips from the plane ride because I had to stuff myself into the seat. It was so embarrassing when I couldn't put the tray down to eat my dinner because my stomach was too big. I don't want that to happen this year - I don't want to feel that way again.

I read success stories about people who just start changing how they eat and lose a ton of weight and never go back... yet I keep running around the same mountain -- do those people never run into obstacles?

-3 LB, 80 To Go???

2007-05-26T16:09:00.000-04:00

I am really nervous to post my weight for this week.

The scale says I am at 255... but I can't believe it to be right..

I haven't done too well this past week... I mean I had Hibachi one night... which included tons of rice! I had somewhere around 3 pieces of my son's graduation cake.. (I ended up having to throw nearly the entire cake away because I couldn't keep myself from pigging out over it)

I honestly can't believe this loss to be real. Secondly, I don't want to get excited about reaching my first goal then next week find that it was just some kind of fluke.

I weighed myself like 5 times in a row... but I think I am going to wait out this week - if I am still at 255 or below next Friday then I will reward myself for the loss and add it into my weight loss chart... if not then it will be just a fluke...

I really don't understand the human body.

Did you write that down?

2007-05-23T21:50:00.000-04:00

I have been using the Weight Watcher Journal to record what I eat every day. I recently finished the journal and couldn't get a new one because I refuse to pay $12 a week to buy a $10 journal. Sorry, but I think $12 a week is really steep of a price for stepping on a scale.

So, anyways I started browsing online to find a journal. I received the one I ordered and I absolutely love it!

It is small enough to go with me everywhere - it has everything listed that anyone dieting would want to track - and it even has spot for before and after photos! So, I thought I would recommend it to anyone looking for one.

DietMinder Personal Food and Fitness Journal

- 2 LB, 83 To Go

2007-05-18T17:43:00.000-04:00

I am pretty proud of myself this week. I remembered to take all of my medication everyday and I stayed in my point range everyday. That is a huge accomplishment for me considering what a basket case I was in April.

On another note, I have *officially* lost 30 lbs. I haven't lost that much in a long time. I pray I keep on going!

Only 3 lbs to my first goal... I am not sure if I am going to reward myself with a new purse and wallet or new pair of gym shoes. I really need the shoes... I haven't been to the gym since April 30th. I don't know why it is so hard for me to get myself there lately... I love working out and it makes me feel so much better - why couldn't I want to indulge in that serotonin release other than the one that comes from food and leaves me feeling crappy and guilty afterward...? Will I ever find something to replace my high from food? For Mother's Day my husband got me a Nintendo DS with a puzzle game on it. So whenever I am bored, restless, or anxious I can play a quick game instead of doing the mindless munching thing. So far, it has helped a lot. I have started, slowly, to relate playing a puzzle with relaxing.

Once again changing is such a hard thing to do!

- 2 LB, 85 To Go

2007-05-11T08:44:00.000-04:00

Alrighty, now if I can just break through the 50's that would be great!

I'm thinking about getting a new scale.. I would really like to have one that lists your percentage of body fat and water.

Well, I am pooped -- I will be back later in the week!

+ 1 LB, 87 To Go

2007-05-05T19:10:00.000-04:00

Ah, I really don't have anything to say... other than I have been really slacking lately.

Whenever I fall off of the wagon it is really hard for me to get motivated to catch up and hop back on...

Why is that? The benefits of being healthy are so numerous - yet it is hard to stick with it. That is something I don't understand about myself.

One thing I have noticed is that I am having a hard time lowering my portion sizes. I lowered them and lost roughly 30 lbs - but now I need to lower them even further to keep going - but I am having a difficult time dealing with the hunger... and frequent need to snack. I am tittering between 260 - 262. So at least I am maintaining - now I just have to motivate myself to break through this rough spot.

Ahhh, gotta roll up the sleeves and get it done.

- 1 LB, 86 To Go

2007-04-28T12:28:00.000-04:00

Ah, well in the month of April I actually gained a pound. March was an awesome month with a 9 LB loss. I guess we all have some bad days, weeks, and months.... right? Oh, well I am determined to make May worth while.

My mouth isn't gonna win this month!

My Weight Chart:

+3 LB - 87 To Go

2007-04-22T09:03:00.000-04:00

This month has been a BIG challenge...

But I have been getting up at 5:30 am and trekking it to the gym to workout. Working out at night was just too difficult to insure -- so now I go before my husband leaves for work. I made it 3 times this week ;) My goal is to go 3X a week until the end of May ... then I may bump it up to 4X week.

I have been very forgetful lately on the reasons why I want to work so hard to lose weight. My munching has been taking over and I have been really lazy about what I eat and if I journal it. So, I made myself a *Reward* Chart for some motivation.

@ 255: A new purse and wallet. (I need one for the summer!)
@ 235: New gym shoes. (I really want a new pair of Nike's!)
@ 215: A new mattress. (Ours has huge sags in it where I have laid on it!)
@ 195: New jewelry. (Smart Glass Jewelry)
@ 175: New hairdo!

I have already figured out the purse and shoes I want - it motivates me to know I can go get these things because of my hard work.

I also made a deal with myself that everyday that I stick to my point range and eat healthy I will deposit $1 into my savings account. When I get to my goal I will take the money and do something special for myself with it. Who knows what - but I am sure I won't have any problems deciding then! Now, if within that same week I have a horrible day I will subtract a $1 out of the account. So, if in 1 week I do great 5 days but mess up 2 then I will deposit $5 but subtract $2 giving me only $3 to deposit. I figured this goal could motivate me to not think "Oh, this extra *something something* won't hurt me." I am going to do my deposits on a weekly basis starting next week.

Whatever works right?

Patchey the Pirate Visits!

2007-04-17T17:18:00.000-04:00

Argh... this week has been horrible! I am PMSing so bad - I am irritable, and all I want to do it eat mindlessly! I have been munching on cookies, chips, coke... the list could go on. While I am PMSing I feel like I have lost the reins, sturups and I am running wild!

How do you handle it?

When I go for something to munch on I grab some gum and go wild trying to keep myself at bay. It works for a little bit. I figure if smokers can replace smoking with chewing gum then I can replace my munchies with gum chewin'.

When I am PMSing things that usually don't tempt me begin to...I found a left over Dark Chocolate bunny from easter and it tasted so good - I wished it lasted forever!

I would love to hear from anyone about how you compromise with your PMS!!!

- 1 LB, 84 To Go

2007-04-13T09:43:00.000-04:00

Well, I have reached the 10% mark.

Many things I have read claim that once you lose 10% of your body fat that your P.C.O.S. symptoms will improve.

Have mine improved? Well, I am controlling my sugar levels better, and my acne has reduced significantly. My hair growth has prolly gotten a little worse... but other than that I am starting to feel a lot better.

On a positive note, I have noticed an increase in my energy levels. As far as my body, my pants are much baggier. I can take off my jeans without unbuttoning them - which is nice! My stomach fat has been reduced significantly - which helps my insulin resistance. Plus, I can bend over more easily and cross my legs more easily too. All of these things help keep me motivated to keep trying my best to change.

I want control again - and I know I can have it. God promises it, I just gotta work for it. After carrying this weight for the past years I don't' mind at all the work that comes before the reward!

Sometimes I get anxious because I don't think I am losing fast enough. I know... I am demented! But, I remind myself that I am in no rush and I should enjoy the journey of learning how to change. What a simple thing that can be soooo hard!

0 LB, 85 To Go

2007-04-06T09:37:00.000-04:00

Ah, well I haven't been the best angel this week, so I can't blame anyone but myself. There were some days this week that I didn't get any veggies in... yes, I know it is horrible!

Oh, well today is a start of a new week - and I am going to do much better!

Tonight, my husbands family is coming over for dinner. They want a meatless pasta dish for Lent and they are bringing something chocolate oriented for dessert. I am thinking of making myself some angel food cake that I can have for dessert that won't be so high in points.

I just hate eating something different than everyone else.. everyone always asks you why you aren't eating their food... "You don't like it?", "You're on a diet?" Then I have to explain everything to them... and I hate it -- they all are skinny and don't think twice about their weight much less what they eat... I am the only fat one in the bunch and I hate getting attention for it.

We are all going to the beach in September for a family trip. I really hope that by then I will have made a lot more progress so I won't feel so out of place in my bathing suit. Mostly, I want my good eating habits to be much more of a habit so their dining won't be hard to resist.

Five Favorite Foods

2007-04-05T10:50:00.000-04:00

Abba put up her five favorite weaknesses, and I started thinking of my own...

1. Filet Mignon

2. Chocolate Chip Cookies

3. Burritos

4. Coke/Root Beer

5. Cupcakes

I am a huge carb freak. I love bread, sugary cakes... I love cupcakes with filling in the middle... I LOVE dunkin donuts cream filled donuts... I love anything chocolate chip oriented... anything Mexican oriented.

I constantly battle with my addiction with sugar. Sometimes I wish the crap didn't exist. I have thought that it may be due to my insulin resistance as to why I crave it all the time. Since my cells don't absorb insulin, they don't get glucose - so my brain screams for sugar and I go nuts trying to get enough, then finally my body gets its glucose and I crash... It is a HORRIBLE cycle. But, thank God for medicine - because now that I have been consistently taking it for 6 months + my sugar cravings have diminished quite a bit. It is a lot easier to manage my portion sizes.

You know, my husband is starting to notice my weight loss. Since he sees me everyday I knew that when he started to notice my weight loss - I would be making some mad progress. It feels really nice to be actually accomplishing something that I thought was near impossible... but I don't want to jinx myself because I still have a way to go.. and a lot more to learn.

- 5 LB ~ 85 To Go

2007-03-30T10:26:00.000-04:00

Wow, I didn't realize how much my cycle makes a difference in the scales. I think I will be able to live with it, though... ;)

I set mini goals each week, and each month for my weight loss. It keeps me going, and I don't get overwhelmed with the larger picture. This month my goal was 259 by today... I missed it by 1 lb - I think that is pretty good!

I am sick once again - so I have missed the gym all this week. Really ticks me off because I want to go! I love putting on my iPod and just letting my mind go. It is the one time in my day that I can be alone and think only about myself and what I want to accomplish.

You might wonder why I am always sick... well combination of children and 5,000 + pollen count and you have your answer. Gotta love it!

My hubbie and I got to get away to a Thrashers game last night - I want to get a Jersey to wear to the games but I told myself I am going to wait until next season (October) when I can get into a Large... I want this one.
I am going to get into it too! (Positive thinking works... right?!?)

+2 LB - 90 To Go

2007-03-24T09:29:00.000-04:00

Ah... I was doing so well this past month... but I am hoping that my gain is primarily due to my cycle.. lets hope!

I hate my period. About 3 days before its arrival I get so iggy, and I just want to munch & munch! But, really paying attention to my reactions this month has brought some things into light for me. I feel extremely anxious while PMSing. I can't sleep, I worry about everything, and in return I get really irritable. I just feel really stressed in general. But, about 2 days into my period I start to feel normal again, and controlling my snacking is easy again.

About every week I try to write something down, or find a picture that motivates me. I usually keep it in my pocket, in my purse, or better yet on the cookie tin! Last week's motivational message was a reminder that a new mall is opening close to my place in October and I want to go shopping and enjoy every bit of it! This week I found a picture on a L. B. coupon I got in the mail. I really love the picture. She is curvy, normal sized, yet beautiful. That is what I want to achieve. I don't want to be a supermodel, or super thin, I just want to be a beautiful woman.

Weeks Weight Loss: 2 LB - 88 To Go

2007-03-15T21:49:00.000-04:00

Oh my gosh!!! I lost 2 lbs this week again! I am so pumped! I can't believe that I now only have 88 lbs to lose... 88 sounds so much better than 113! My brother saw me today and told me he could tell that I am losing weight -- I can't believe I am finally getting somewhere! You fight yourself for so long and now I finally feel as if I am starting to make progress. I am so glad that I have all the ladies and gents in the weight loss world to share it with! I pray that everyone else has as good of results if not better!

Weeks Weight Loss: 2 LB - 90 To Go

2007-03-11T21:15:00.000-04:00

Wow, this weeks loss was a real shock to me. I didn't do the greatest with my food choices, but I did stay within my points range. I was expecting to have no change if I was lucky!

So, things have been relatively easy with the points system. I first tried WW back in 2001. I failed miserably, and hated the diet. But, looking back on everything that has happened, I believe I had to endure much more restrictive diets, and failures so I could grow into really wanting to be healthy, and not so much for vanity purposes. Now, don't get me wrong I do look forward to liking my body again, liking my reflection, and liking my image... but now that is just icing on the cake... not the cake itself.

Weeks Weight Loss: 2LB - 92 To Go

2007-03-03T09:19:00.000-05:00

Yay! I am so pumped that I lost 2 lbs doing WW! It was amazingly easy for me... just knowing I can have pretty much whatever I want motivates me to move forward just because I don't have to freak about .. "Can I eat that?" "Is that food included on my list?" So, I am one happy chic!

The only obstacle I am facing now is going to the gym. I have to wait on my hubby to get home so I can go.. but more and more he can't make it home in time for me to go before I'm too tired to go. This past week I had to ask my mom to watch the kids so I could go... at least once this past week. My mom doesn't live close by... it can take me up to 45 minutes to get to her place and then I have to drive another 20 to get back to the gym and back to her place then back to my house... yeah, BIG pain. So, I guess I am going to have to start going during the day when my kids are in school - my youngest is in MDO so that only comes twice a week. The only reason I don't go then is because my bestest friend in the whole wide world supports me by going with me after she gets off of work. To give you an idea of why she is the BFITWWW, she goes to school from 9-330 - then work from 5-930 - and then she meets me at the gym at 945 and works out with me until 11pm! That is her schedule Mon - Fri!!! To boot -- she is only 13 lbs overweight... yeah I couldn't do without her!

Alright, my kids are calling... I hope everyone has a wonderful week and happy scales next week!!!

Weeks Weight Loss: 0LB - 94 To Go

2007-02-24T15:59:00.000-05:00

Kinda not surprised that I didn't lose this week. There were two days that I just binged...and usually I binge on something that is sweet - but this time it was chips, popcorn, pretzels.. all I wanted was salt!

But, I got a hold of myself and went to Weight Watchers this past Thursday. I got on the scale wearing my jeans and a t-shirt and their scale said I was at 270! I was really happy because usually whenever I go anywhere other than my scale I am disappointed with the huge difference. So, I did join Weight Watchers. I am kinda excited and nervous about it. Today is day 2 and it just seems too easy. I felt funny being able to eat pancakes (nutrigrain) in the morning if I want. I am just so used to telling myself that there are foods that I just can't have... but on this plan I choose healthy options first and if I have room I can sneak in some "bad" foods. So, essentially they are not "bad" anymore. Honestly, it does seem like something I could do for the rest of my life. I have no idea if my body is going to react positively due to my insulin resistance... but I have to try or I will never know. This could be the plan that I could see through to the end. Lets pray so right!?

Hypoglycemia?

2007-02-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

Well, I have been doing Phase 1 of South Beach. I started feeling bad Friday, but I brushed it off to the weather, then again Saturday and it was a lot worse. I was lightheaded, spacey, couldn't concentrate, irritable, and my skin kept flushing, plus heart palpitations. So, I was reading about what could be going on and it is possible that my blood sugar was just way too low. I am on metformin for my P.C.O.S. and it regulates my blood sugar - but I think the combo of my meds and Phase 1 just don't mix.

So... I am back to square one. Plus, I just feel like I am starting to lose weight too fast - Friday I was at 269 and this morning I was at 267... I feel a lot better about losing 1-3 lbs a week because I know it will be a lot easier to keep it off for good. I never get excited when I lose weight quickly because in the past it has always came back to visit.. with some friends.

So, yesterday I was visiting my Mom, and I told her what was happening. She got really mad at me, because she doesn't think low carbin' is good for me due to my high side effects and ever higher failure rate. Her and my aunts just joined Weight Watchers and she was showing me their plans. Their Core Plan is pretty much the South Beach diet. She thinks that WW would be better for me because it is realistic with how I prefer to eat now, except portions and frequency. So, I have been considering joining. My husband got a little aggravated when I told him I wanted to join because I have wasted soooo much money in the past on weight loss attempts. So, I asked him about me joining (I think there is no registration fee right now) and just going monthly to save on money. He seemed okay with that.

I am really tired of reaching for straws.. I just want to find a eating plan that I will stick to. But, I guess I just need to force myself to do it - like I do going to the gym. So, honestly I am going to give this plan some real willpower. I'm gonna go on Thursday.

Weeks Weight Loss: 1 LB - 94 To Go

2007-02-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

Wow, it is shocking that I am in the 60's. But, it really makes me happy! I don't want to get too excited because I'm on my period and I know water retention can change everything. So, the true test will be next Friday. I am going to start going to the gym again on Monday. I am feeling a lot better and I can breathe. Plus, I miss it!

Fun Facts

2007-02-14T21:40:00.000-05:00

Currently at 270, I am Morbidly Obese.

At 260 I will be Obese. (Last time at this weight: 2004)

At 195 I will be Overweight. (Last time at this weight: 2000)

At 160 I will be Normal. (Last time at this weight: 1998)

I have only weighed 160 once that I can remember. It was 9 years ago and I achieved it by only eating one meal a day. As soon as I starting adding lunch back into my eating habits I was back up to 180. So, since I am going about my weight loss a little more healthy maybe I can achieve it without starving myself.

1 pound is equal to 3,500 calories. I have 95 lbs to lose, which translates to 332,500 calories!!! I can't believe that I have consumed that many calories over what my body actually needs!

What a little piggy I have been! Oink! I think I am done with the "piggy" scene... now I am ready for more of a "kitty" scene... tidy, groomed, and dynamic.

Heart Day. Down 2, 95 To Go.

2007-02-14T13:22:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentines to everyone! I actually don't celebrate valentines... I think the day is nothing more than a marketing ploy - I do give my kids some candy, and maybe get my husband a card -but that is about it.. I dunno, I guess I just really don't care about it... but Happy Day to all of you that do care about it!

Anyways, I went to the doctor this past Monday and she told me that my sugar was great (yay!) but my triglycerides are high (Blah!). So, in order for me to see the ripe ole age of 30, I decided I have to get serious about what I put in my mouth.

So today, Valentines I am starting Phase 1 of South Beach again. South Beach works for me, I can stick to it, and most importantly I feel awesome when I follow it. So, I am starting over - as far as eating is concerned.

I promised myself that 2007 would be the year I changed my life. I got really upset thinking that a month and half of the year is gone and I haven't lost as much as I could because I have been lazy. So, I told myself I am doing this - I am not giving up - I may give myself days to splurge - but other than that I am sticking to it!

I did somehow manage to lose 2 lbs this past week. ;)

Wk Weight Loss: 1 LB - 97 To Go

2007-02-07T15:26:00.000-05:00

Well, another one down. I am sure I am not going to see a loss this Friday just because I have been sick with a cold and haven't be able to go workout. On top of feeling bad from my cold - I feel horrible for not working out... it really does make me feel better.

Thanks BG for the comments on the cereal. I think you are completely correct - I cut out the cereal and I found that 1) I was less hungry and 2) I didn't crave sugar as much throughout the day. So, I have came to the conclusion that I need to eat something with a significant amount of protein in it for breakfast. But, I don't care for eggs, sausage or bacon... so does anyone have any ideas? I'm sure I am overlooking something that would work. I do love Atkins Carb-Free Shakes - but they are pricey!

I have been thinking about joining the Biggest Loser Club Online. I wouldn't mind some structured help with my diet... but I dunno if I want to pay $20 a month for it...

Well, that is about it -- I will be back hopefully this weekend. Good week to all!

Wk Weight Loss: 1 lb - 98 To Go

2007-01-28T12:16:00.000-05:00

Well, at least I lost something. I have been really down on myself because I have been eating so horribly. The trainer at Gold's told me that your diet is 70% of your success in weight loss. Well, I have the 30% exercise part licked - just gotta get the other going in the right direction.

Lately, all I have been wanting to eat is cereal. A particular brand - Life Honey Graham. I have been having two bowls for breakfast and then snacking or eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch then having another bowl for dinner. It is all I want! I am just gonna have to not let myself buy it anymore! But, I figured it wasn't' such a bad cereal to eat - 240 calories in 2 bowls with only 14 grams of sugar. What do ya think?

I did have specific dates for certain weight goals. I changed that -- there is no way I can lose 18 lbs in 4 weeks. I do want to lose 100 lbs by the end of this year - but I don't want to set myself up for failure and burn out because things aren't going the way I think they should be. I keep reminding myself that my body isn't what it used to be. UNFORTUNATELY!!

So my goals are listed for every 20 lbs and I will post pics as soon as I get to them. I would like to lose between 8-10 lbs a month.. but if I don't I am not gonna end it all.

Weeks Weight Loss: 1 LB

2007-01-21T20:21:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, my loss wasn't as much as I would have liked for it to have been - but I know there are a lot of things that kept it pretty steady. Some of those things were out of my hands and some where right in the middle of my hands. But, I am livin' and learnin' so I'm gonna make this week a little better. I actually worked out four times this past week... the week before I only made it twice so I felt really bad.

During my workout on Tuesday I started feeling really bad. My head started hurting, my ears started ringing and I felt real nauseous. I had to walk the track for 15 mins before I started feeling better. I wasn't so sure what might have caused that but then I realized I haven't been drinking my water like I should. So this week I have got to make sure I drink at least half of my days worth an hour before I workout.

I put on some of my really tight jeans and they are loosening up some. I know I have lost weight - the scale says so - but I am not feeling too much of anything right now. I hope that I will begin to feel a significant change soon. I don't want to lose a lot of weight and still be in "fat mode" mentally. That is the worst part about being fat - how you you think!

Last years resolution revisited.

2007-01-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I hope everyone is having a great new year. I have been doing the same ole thing... working out and cleaning my house. ;)

I didn't weigh in on the 5th because my gym partner forgot her journal to record her results... so I weighed myself at home on Saturday and my scale at home said 270.2 - I am trying not to get my hopes up that my weight is that low because the gym's scale is about 2-3 lbs off from mine at home. So to play it safe I am waiting until this Friday to do my official weigh in at the gym.

This is my 6th week working out. I have pretty much stuck to my schedule of 4x week @ 1 hr cardio. I am trying to be conscious of how many calories I eat along with what type of foods I am eating. Usually for breakfast I have an Atkins Shake or some type of All Bran cereal with skim milk. I have been snacking on strawberries, raspberries, and no sugar added yogurt. For lunch I have a South Beach or Lean Cuisine meal. For dinner I pretty much eat whatever I want but I try to incorporate veggies and a lean meat like chicken or turkey. I have been substituting ground turkey for ground beef.

I have been doing mostly cardio for my workouts. My usual workout is 15 mins on the treadmill, StairMaster, bike, and elliptical (in that order). My heart rate usually gets to 120 on the treadmill, 145-150 on the StairMaster, 130 on the bike, and 155 on the elliptical. I figure that is pretty good since my target heart rate should be between 120-160. I briefly spoke with a personal trainer at the gym and she told me to focus on cardio until I got a lot of my weight off then start introducing weights to reshape my body. My gym partner keeps trying to get me to do more weights - but I am sticking to what the personal trainer said... I hope I am not doing it incorrectly -- any suggestions?

Me & Golds 1 Month Anni.

2006-12-27T22:23:00.000-05:00

Well today is the mark of my 1 month gym workout anniversary.

After working out today, I put on a pair of my jeans straight from the dryer - that are usually pretty tight. You could see the indention's of the contents of my pockets like you had x-ray vision - but today they were a lot less tight... not baggy... but not as tight. Then I realized that I have lost 11 lbs... that is the most I have lost in the past 3 years of my endless weight loss attempts. Not much but a lot for me and my PCOS. It really excites me and motivates me. Tomorrow I go grocery shopping for fresh veggies and fruit -- If I focus on my diet as strictly as I have been my workouts I know I will see a larger drop... plus feel better.

I hope I see some type of loss either weight or inches Friday.

Argh.

2006-12-23T10:16:00.000-05:00

No change this week... still holding at 275. But the scale at the gym says I am at 277 - so I am going to start going by that one -- it is like the ones used in doctor's offices anyway. I did lose a 1/2 inch on my waist though. ;)

Woohoo!

2006-12-15T11:41:00.000-05:00

Alrighty! I am down to 275.2! That is pretty exciting! Seeing that type of weight loss really motivates me to keep kicking it! So far this week I have done my hour long cardio workout 3 times. I am gonna try to go tonight -- starting to feel sick - so we will see. I have been watching my calorie intake and carb intake. I have been hovering around 1600 calories a day and 100 carbs a day.

Working out has helped suppress my appetite. I burn roughly 200 calories on the StairMaster in 15 minutes... and boy do I get pissed off at it -- it kicks my ass HARD. While I am on it I think to myself "You know that damn Hershey bar isn't worth this torture!!!!" So it hasn't been hard for me lately to stay away from the bad stuff... but I know Christmas will be a different story... might have to work out 5 times that week.

Sugar, just beat it!

2006-12-09T15:26:00.000-05:00

Wednesday I started my hour workout routine. I didn't quite make it to one hour but I was 20 mins from it. It really worked my butt out though... I was so sore on Thursday that I didn't go to the gym. But I did yesterday.

Yesterday my workout consisted of:
- 15 on the treadmill (185 calories)
- 15 on the stairmaster (206 calories)
- 15 on the stationary bike (85 calories)
- 15 on the elliptical (200 calories)

So, my workout burned 676 calories. That is 2.3 Little Debbie Brownies, 6.4 8 oz Coke's, 4.5 Twinkies or 1.82 Taco Bell Bean Burritos.

Gosh, just think it only takes you 5 minutes to eat 4.5 twinkies - but 60 minutes to burn them off! It really proves to me that our bodies were meant to maximize what we eat. But, then again I have a slow metabolism so others could have a different story.

Today I have eaten a bowl of All Bran with a cut up banana, then a Veggie Burger with veggie salad and a Coke Zero. I was doing great then after lunch I went and had half of my daughter's little debbie brownie (145 calories), and three (I hate to admit it but yes) three twinkies.(450 calories) So that one tiny(well, no BIG) mess up costs me 595 calories.. almost my entire workout. But ya know what really pisses me off? Is that when one morsel of sugar hits my lips I go into "Can't Stop" mode! I forget about what I am trying to accomplish, how hard the stairmaster kicks my butt, and how much I LOATHE being fat. Sugar is my biggest enemy ... next to myself.

Gym Madness.

2006-12-06T13:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't have a weight loss last week -- but at least it wasn't a gain. All I have been doing lately is going to the gym... and I am loving it! I am a SAHM right now, and going to the gym with my friend is such an escape for me... plus I feel much more energetic because I feel like I am working towards my weight loss goals... not just sitting around wishing they would come true.

For the past week I have just been getting used to the gym and all of the machines. I have been doing the elliptical machine from 15 to 25 mins at a time - then I go and do the arm and leg machines for about 30 mins. I am going to have to bump up my cardio time. The personal trainer told me that if I want to avoid diabetes I have to focus on weight loss via cardio. She told me strength training is important but it won't be as important until I drop some of my weight. I really love the cardio machines at the gym. They tell you based on your weight and age what your target heart rate should be to burn calories... so that settles my heart some because I know I am working out hard enough but not too hard to hurt myself. My new plan is to do the treadmill for 15 mins, then the stairmaster or stationary bike for 15, then the track for 15 and then the elliptical for 15. I figured this way would help me not become so bored and secondly it would help me not dread any one given machine... cause you know being on one machine for 60 minutes just seems like torture to me... but then again maybe I am just a little spastic.

Well, I gotta go get my baby from school -- then I am going the gym again tonight!

CAUTION: RANT

2006-11-24T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well, my goal for my first week was a loss of 2 lbs, and I got a 3 lb loss even with Thanksgiving. That is pretty good ;)

Yesterday, I let myself have whatever I wanted -- and there was tons of carbs! I weighed myself yesterday before eating and the scale said 276.0 - then I weighed myself just now and it says 280.0! Is that even possible? A 4 lb gain in 1 day!? Does this happen to other dieters when they take a break? Or, is this just me and there is something wrong with my body? Yesterday, I didn't eat great at all - but I wasn't expecting a 4 lb gain... I was thinking more or less 2 lb. Well, I am not going to let it get me down - I did still reach my weekly goal, which is good.

Well, Wednesday my girlfriend and I joined the gym. I got a 6 month membership. I wanted to get a 3 month but they wanted me to pay in full instead of installments -- just couldn't do that at this time of year -- so 6 months it is. Anyways, I am excited about the gym - they have a ton of stuff to do -- even water aerobic classes. And, what is really funny is that my end date lands on my sons graduation from Kindergarten. That is an event that I was looking forward to go to a lot lighter - so that motivates me even more. Also, I go next week and a personal trainer evaluates me and gives me a workout plan to follow for 12 weeks and then we meet up again to see my results and change my workout regime. At the end of 12 weeks I will be going on that cruise with my husband .. so I don't lack any motivating events for the future! I am pretty excited though -- I am ready to be active and know that I am doing all that I can. Plus, it gives me something to do for myself and a chance to get out of the house. Being a SAHM can give ya a little cabin fever from time to time.

Oh, yeah I was offered a job and I was supposed to start on the 27th but... I had to do a drug test. I went and did a drug test but the doctors office rejected my sample because: 1) it wasn't 45 ml - it was 40 ml 2) it wasn't hot enough AKA they didn't believe it was my piss. So, they wanted me to wait another 1 - 1 1/2 hour to do another test and I couldn't (I had already been there for an hour and half) I had my children with me - I couldn't find anyone to watch them for me. So, I had to leave and they faxed a letter to my future employer that said I rejected a drug test... which I didn't - I did the friggin' thing. So, I called my company told the HR lady what happened - told her I would take 5 more if they needed me to - but that wasn't good enough - they told me "No job for you!". So, I am back at square one again. I was really bummed out at first - but now I know it was for the best, God knew I didn't need to be there and thankfully he shut the door before I could walk through it.

But, ya know I don't agree with employment drug testing or physicals. My aunt had a physical for a job and the doctor wrote down that she MAY have carpal tunnel syndrome in the future and they denied her the job because she would have to do some typing. The woman is healthy as a buck. I think that is hardcore discrimination. But legally it isn't because "it may affect her job performance." My husband doesn't agree with me... but I think it is a really bad practice that is going to lead to worse things. I mean what if your drug test came back false positive? How could you prove your innocence? You couldn't. I offered to take a million more drug tests and they told me that waiting until the next morning would give me time to get "the drugs" out of my system. (Yes, they talked to me like I was a junkie!) Secondly, if your pee isn't yellow enough they won't accept your sample. Well I drink so much water that my pee is hardly ever yellow! That doesn't mean I am doing drugs! I am trying to be healthy for crying out loud! To me when a company does pre-employment drug testing or random testing - 1) it says that your employer doesn't trust you, 2) it is the same as the police searching your home for narcotics with out any reason -- "Well, we have no reason to suspect that you may have drugs in your home - but we are going to search your place anyway - this is just our way of protecting ourselves.. AND INVADING YOUR RIGHT TO PRIVACY! Yes, you can keep your right to privacy and not take the test -- but then you lose the job. Well, I could rant on this forever -- but I seriously doubt anything is ever going to change - my faith in this government is fading rapidly. Military state, here we come.

If your interested in more, check this out.

Movement Needed.

2006-11-20T13:14:00.000-05:00

Umk, my low carbin' has been doing great the past three days. I actually haven't felt very hungry and things that used to tempt me.. just haven't. I have been praying so much for the ability to control myself - I think God may have finally blessed me with it because it has been rather easy. I am not really doing Atkins - my diet leans more towards South Beach. But, I don't make myself eat every 3 hours - I just eat when my stomach is hungry.

I need to start working out regularly... so I called up my best friend (which is no where near as big as I am) and asked her if she would consider signing up at the gym with me. She said she would love too. So... we are going to try to go today and sign up. This gym offers a lot of things to do from aerobics classes, swimming, to weight lifting. So, it shouldn't be too hard for me to find something that I like to do. Plus, it is a 24 hour gym. I figure if I can't get away all day to the gym the worst case scenario is that I wait until my husband gets home and then go. But, hopefully my girlfriend will be able to go with me most of the time. Her and I rarely get to spend time together due to her job and my kids. I am hoping that this will be something we can do together and I can look forward to seeing her and talking my heart out.

So, I think for my first month at the gym I am going to make a goal of going 3 times a week for at least 30 mins each time. Next year this time, I wanna be 100 lbs lighter!!

EEK!

2006-11-18T18:49:00.000-05:00

My husband came home and told me that his company trip for 2007 is a cruise! It is in February - think I could lose 100 lbs by then..? Ha, just playing.

But, I never go to his Christmas parties or meet his co-workers for the fear of them saying something about my weight. My husband is on the thinner side - but he is pretty average. But, he really likes this company and the peeps he works with... so he wants me to go with him. I would love to go... I am just afraid of having to wear a bathing suit in front of them. It is one thing to wear regular clothing... but a bathing suit!?!

Oh well, one thing I am going to do is lose some weight before hand. This may be the push that I have been asking for.

So, I have roughly 15 weeks until this cruise... I am thinking a goal of 30 pounds is doable. That is 2 lb a week.

I have been doing pretty good the past three days. Been watching my sugar like a hawk - I am actually excited about weighing in on Friday!

Underneath it all.

2006-11-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

Well, I would have posted earlier, except for blogger being buggy.

So, thanks for all the comments. I have been trying to focus on my diet, but I have been extremely absent minded lately. My motivation has run astray - and I'm tired of trying to find the booger. But more on that later.

But, in good news I got my first job using my degree ;) I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. I had to undergo 3 interviews to get the position. But, one thing I noticed is, the girls that I will be working closely with are all around my size. (Well they are actually one or two sizes smaller than me, but close enough). But, that made me instantly more comfortable... more at home. The fear of ridicule, fierce judgment and "I am prettier than you - therefore better" competition fled the room. I actually felt like I had a shot at getting the job - since some other members of my family have told me time and time again, "With how big you are - you are going to have a hard time finding a job." How relaxed I became with their physical presence, in return, made me start thinking - when, WHEN I lose weight - are thicker women going to feel uncomfortable around me? Right now, I would like to think that people feel like they can approach me. I hope that in some way I can keep that when I lose weight -- and I'm not referring to male flirtation -- I actually dread that... a lot. But, in the back of my mind I feel like a down to earth mother, but when I lose weight - who will I turn into? A "too good for you" B? An unapproachable hot woman? A "who does she think she is" woman?

I have no idea who I will be 100 lbs lighter. I am afraid of losing it all when I lose these dreaded pounds - my family, my friends, my open mind.... Who am I underneath?

Time to Change.

2006-10-30T21:45:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling like such poo lately. I am sick .. AGAIN! I have been really down and depressed... not including stressed. I am just not taking care of myself. But, I don't know sometimes why it is so hard to comprehend that nothing is going to change unless I change. I want to eat healthy.. I do crave it - but I have noticed and so has my husband that I am self destructive. Why, would anyone be that way? Why am I that way? I have no idea... but I know I am. As soon as I start to lose weight - I start eating horribly and gain it all back (plus some). Once I start getting attention - I drop it and run. What am I so scared of? I am not doing anything bad... this is the best thing I could ever do for myself! Has anyone reading this ever felt this way? Anyone know where to start to conquer it?

Any suggestions or comments are appreciated. So, here I go again... starting over. The only reason I keep on trying is because I know it can be done - and I know that all the ladies out here in weight loss blogdom actually understand it.

So, here is my plan. I am going to wipe out all white stuff, no soda, no fast food, I am only going to eat when my stomach growls, I am going to mostly eat fresh food, and I am going to only eat small portions - about the size of my palm - at a time.

So, lets take in another breath and give it another go!

Simple Cure

2006-10-29T15:16:00.000-05:00

Hey guys,

Thanks a lot to those who were concerned. I am doing... okay. Just been doing nothing about getting in shape... haven't cared too much about anything. How do you get back on your feet after being knocked down a million times? The first 100 times you still have some strength.. drive to get back up... I am just so tired. I will try to start posting more regularly. Anything to help.

Gott bitte.

2006-10-02T21:50:00.000-04:00

It is hard to do anything when you are depressed.

Schokolade Kuchen

2006-10-01T00:12:00.000-04:00

Ah, I totally screwed up tonight.

I had 3 pieces of pizza, 2 cokes, and a piece of birthday cake. Doomed! And you know what? It wasn't even really worth it because I feel like crap - I have a headache and I just feel like poo.

So, I thought I would take this time to look ahead as to what I am going to do next week. I know my Monday weigh in -- prolly isn't going to look to good at all...

But for next week I have a couple of goals:
1. Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat get up and walk for 30 mins.
2. Drink 8 oz of water each day
3. Stay below the calorie ceiling of 1800 a day.

I can do that... I will do that.... and I will be excited about it !!1!1!! ;)

Road Trip

2006-09-26T09:41:00.000-04:00

I finally did it! I got back to exercising again! I had stopped in late August (I think) and I have finally gotten off my butt and started again... So what I learned from this experience - DON'T STOP! Even if I am ultra lazy and only workout for 10 minutes - I can't quit - because it is harder to start back up than to speed up.

I am taking it really slow. I only walked and it was for about 25 mins. It was close to a mile, if not a mile. I will have to Map My Run.

There is this hill that I climbed... ah, it was a B! My legs felt like they were going to give out and at some points I felt as if I couldn't catch my breath. I want to blog all of this treachery so I can remember how hard it was in the beginning - so then I will have a better understanding of how I have changed. When change is subtle, it is easy to look over things you have accomplished. I am the worlds worst for getting fed up with myself and saying. "I have been doing this for a month now and I haven't seen the slightest change!" So, this will be my proof that I have indeed done something.

My husband was talking to me last night about my struggle with my weight. I told him how fighting it over the past 5 years has really drained me to the point that sometimes I just want to give up. He said, "What have you done in the last five years? You have bounced from one diet to the next - placing unrealistic goals for yourself and when you didn't reach them you got mad and started something else. You were looking for a quick fix. I think now you have finally realized this is going to be something that is slow changing, and something you have to do to benefit yourself - not something you do just to lose weight." And, it dawned on me - that he was right. It was all vanity before. "I want to be skinny again! I want to look pretty again!" Now, I have calmed down. Maybe it is that I am just getting older - but I am starting to see that there is no rush.

I need to slow down and enjoy the road trip. Beep Beep!

Belly Jelly!

2006-09-24T12:51:00.000-04:00

After studying the pictures I posted, I noticed that the majority of my weight is in my stomach. That is to be expected with PCOS... in order for me to lose weight I first have to fight this disease. And what really sucks is I gotta figure out how to do it on my own because doctor's are no flipping help at all. I have books and books on PCOS and how it works on making you crazy - so I think I am going to break them out and do a little digging and post the results here to be a daily reminder as to what exactly I am to do to win this war! ...Not just the battle!

Well, I am off to help my family remodel my grandparents place before they get back home from their 7 month RV trip. Maybe I will post some pics to show you the before and after. It is the entire families Christmas present to them - and not to worry, my mother is an interior decorator so she knows how to hook it up! (You should see my place - everyone thinks I am really talented ;) ..but I can't take any credit...

It is done.

2006-09-23T21:05:00.000-04:00

Alrighty, I took a huge leap of faith on my part.

I posted up my pics.

Now, let me warn you... these are some of my worst pictures that I have of myself. They are the pictures you see of yourself and your mouth drops open with disgust - your hair raises on your arms... your fingers tremble because they yearn to rip them up into tiny pieces!

They are THAT bad.

But, I figured so-what if someone I know finds them. This is me, and right now I am fat. I can't change it over night - I see it as a trial in my life and I'm climbing the hill as we speak. Every dog has his day. I don't care if people call me a fatass or make rude comments about me - it may hurt for a split second - but I know the truth about myself. I have been blessed with a husband that loves me for me and has supported me through it all - friends that are curt, yet gentle. I know I am not perfect - inside and out. But, I also know I am not worthless. I do have a lot of weight to lose, I am moody as hell, sometimes I snap at people, and sometimes I can be judgmental - but I try to stay aware of my flaws in order to keep them in check. I guess what I am trying to say is, I am not perfect, far from it - but I have figured out how to love myself with all of my flaws... and I am pretty proud of the person I have came to be while treading through the muck.

Now, I am still using my alias - I just like it. But if you really want to know my name - it's Arica - but I prolly won't ever use it on here. I am going to post pics prolly every three months - and hopefully a difference will be seen!

I just wanna say thanks to all the other girls out there that have had the courage to share themselves online for the world to see - you guys have given me the courage to do it too! Oh, and that is my very first avatar ;)

Sickness Galore

2006-09-19T08:51:00.000-04:00

Since I have gotten home I have had this awful cold. Now, it is a horrible cough, headache, neckache... it really stinks!

I wanted to start walking this week - but I just haven't had the mustard to get out of bed in the mornings to run. I get out of bed cause I can't sleep and neither can my daughter ... she is even more sick than I am.

I have gotten back on my regular eating plan... thank God! I am ready to feel better. I have set up a Fit Day account to track my food and exercise. My first goal is to lose 20 lbs by Thanksgiving.

Well, this entry is going nowhere fast - my head hurts. I will post next week if not later this week.

Oh, yeah my stats are:

Current Weight: 285, 115 lbs to go!

Home, Sweet Home.

2006-09-12T15:35:00.000-04:00

Alrighty, so I am back... and all I got for it was a cold. Ah, I'm just playing - my family was very ready to see me -- and vice versa! I had a lot of fun, but man was I ready to get back home! Not 24 hours from being home I got a head cold from my kids... and boy does it suck. As you can imagine, I didn't care one bit what I ate on my vacation. I did notice the first few days how horrible I felt... I was really ready to get back on my diet. When I eat right, I find that I feel a lot lighter - when I eat horribly - I feel like a whale! So, I came back 8 pounds heavier. Ah, 8 lbs in 1 week!!! I really know how to pack it on! Oh well, I'm not going to get down - just going to get started. I have made a small goal of losing 20 lbs by Thanksgiving. Plus, I am going to start running again next week (hopefully when this dreadful cold is gone). I want to post to my blog once a week with my results - good or bad! So for now, I'm at 288 with 118 lbs to go! If I can be at my goal by Thanksgiving, I will only have 100 lbs to go.. the lower the better!

Caribbean, here I come!

2006-09-01T09:07:00.000-04:00

Well, tomorrow morning at 9am I will be off to the Caribbean.

It will be my first time there and my first time on a cruise. I am excited yet, not, because I don't want to leave my family. I'm a SAHM and rarely away from my kids and hubbie. So we will see how it is going to go. I have been getting a lot of bad news lately, so I am hoping this trip will be stress free... to some degree!

Well, the last week has went pretty well as far as my diet is concerned. I am really starting to find myself wanting to eat better... not doing it just because I "have" to. I have no idea how things are going to pan out on the cruise... and I dunno if this is the right mentality or not but... I am not going to worry about it. If I want a sundae - I'm going to eat one.... without binging! I have found that when I tell myself I can have all those times I used to eat... I really don't want them that badly anymore... hopefully that thinking will help me not gain all the weight I have lost back on this vacation.

Well, I am off to clean house... and see what my daughter is destroying! Be back in a week!

Thank you, McyD's

2006-08-28T09:58:00.000-04:00

You know, lately I have been feeling pretty good about my diet.

This past Friday I was helping my mom around the house all day (putting in new floors & painting) by the end of the day we were starving. We had planned to go to the grocery store and get some food to make but we got carried away with getting the house finished. By the time we were finished my kids were starving and so were we. So we did the horrible.... we went to McDonalds. I had a double cheeseburger, french fries and a chocolate shake. Can't you tell I was hungry? After I ate the food, I felt like I had a brick in my stomach! Then I noticed that I hadn't felt that way since I started the South Beach Diet. It was like the past month I didn't even have a stomach... but after eating McyD's it came out of hiding... later that night I had indigestion and a horrible headache. I guess you don't realize how bad... fat, sugar, and carbs can make you feel. Let me tell you, it was extremely easy for me to get back on my diet the next day. I didn't realize how eating right makes you feel so much better. Even though, I really screwed up by going to McDonald's - I was able to realize that my diet is slowly becoming a lifestyle change for me. Just knowing that makes me feel even better than seeing the scales go down. Anyone can lose weight, you can starve yourself, go on a liquid diet, eliminate all carbs... but in the end nothing has really changed except the scales... I want more than that - I want to change my life by becoming healthy and hopefully weight loss will become a side effect. But, McDonalds helped me see that I am not really missing out on anything... unless you count indigestion and headaches as a good time.

I wanna run, run so far...

2006-08-21T22:46:00.000-04:00

Ah, I haven't been on my meds in about two weeks due to lack of insurance and the scales claim that I have added on 2 lbs. Not to mention, my period started and will not stop... today is my 11th day... ah, I guess you don't realize how much medicine does help until it is gone. My husband reminded me that if I work hard, and get this weight off I won't need that medicine anymore. What a blessing that would be! So, I turned in my towel and ordered my meds... I am just going to have to fork out the money and deal with it!

I have been feeling a little bummed lately. My hormones could have something to do with it... You know, I always get discouraged easily with my weight - it is like I am looking to fail... I guess I am looking for the easy way out. Well, not this time. Thank God for weight loss blogs. When I'm feeling like a failure, I just pop in a read others journal's and shortly later I feel motivated again. Others have accomplished it - you can too!

Well, I was supposed to get out of bed this morning and run... did I? Nope. So I gotta get in the bed so I can get up and go at it in the morning. I feel really lazy and don't want to - but I remind myself of how great it makes me feel to run. You know, I had a dream the other night that I was running, and it was quite easy - and I didn't want to stop! It felt so great! I want that in reality. Instead of eating when I am happy, sad, or anxious I want to run. I know I can do this. I know I am strong enough. I have always considered myself strong. I have been dealt my crap and I have gotten through it all... this I can too get through.

Fabulous Prom Dress

2006-08-14T09:53:00.000-04:00

I didn't lose anything this past week. It is prolly due to how horrible I ate... and in combination with it being that time for me. So maybe I did lose a pound and I will see it in my loss next week?!

I started Phase 2 of my diet today. I had a piece of cheese toast with a cup of fruit for breakfast. I am very satisfied. I really screwed up on Phase 1 of the diet - So many times I would try to eat eggs and just gag... I don't really care for them. I was going to push myself to do Phase 1 this week (to make up for how bad I did this last week)- but I just don't think it is a good idea. If I keep screwing up I am afraid that I will get really discouraged and give up. So, I am on Phase 2.

I am going to start my running again this week. I haven't ran in the past two weeks, so who knows, how that is going to go over with my body! I found these past two weeks that I can't have a huge box of fudgesicles in the freezer... just because they are better than ice cream doesn't mean I can eat an entire box of them in a week! So, I have decided I am going to keep sugar free popsicles and jello available and splurge with fudgesicles and chocolate covered strawberries. So this week, I am going to run T,Th, & SA. I am going to run at least a minute at a time to get my body back to where it was before I went on Phase 1. I knew I had quit running when I went to school to pick up my diploma and I was losing my breath walking up the stairs. I can't stand that! So road here I come!

I am going on a cruise in 19 days... my first one ever. My friend is coming with me and she is wearing my old prom dress from 9 years ago for formal night. She looked fabulous in it - but it made me feel down because I used to wear that same size 12 dress and look fabulous... but now I would be lucky to get it past my boobs. Instead I am wearing a size 22 dress, that is plain as hell, and it is good enough to get by in. Ahhh, I can't get upset - it does no good and on top of that my goal is to get back into that dress in time for our Hawaii trip in 2008. I think it can be done ... NO, I KNOW IT CAN BE DONE!!

Screwed.

2006-08-10T22:29:00.000-04:00

I totally screwed myself today. I have been so bitchy... but that is in relation to my PMS.

I ended up going to Chickfila and getting a biscuit this morning and a root beer - then I did good I had a salad for lunch -- then I snacked on some Oreo's, Doritos, Cheetos, and Granola bars until dinner - then I ate a bowl of Cheerios. When I do it - I do it good. I get really pissed off at myself for not giving a damn the moment I shove that crap in my mouth. But, I guess no one wants to hear the my verbal abuse to myself... and well frankly neither do I.

My Aunts and Mother are also dieting with me. They have been on the SBD and are doing Phase 1 also... but they haven't screwed up once! I have screwed up so many times it is unbelieveable! Are they stronger than me? Are they going to make it, and I am not? Why don't I have enough will power as them?

It is pretty damn depressing... Do people who do make it to their goals experience these same stumbles? My "All or Nothing" attitude has got to go.

Praying Hard.

2006-08-08T22:54:00.000-04:00

Umk, measured myself and I wasn't so disappointed.

My new stats are:

Weight: 280 <5lbs>
Bust: 52" <1">
Waist: 48" --
Hips: 55" <1">

So in 7 days I lost 5 pounds... Of those 7 days only 4 were sugar free. So if I can stick to more sugar free days this week I will have lost more. I want to reach my goal of 275 by next week sometime. Ah, ultimately I want to be in the 60's before I leave for vacation. I'm gonna do what my mom suggested - pray and expect it. You know, this is my health blog - not my religious one, but I can't deny how far God has brought me in this journey. I just pray that I will lose this weight and be fit... or more importantly that I don't screw this up like I have the past million times... or maybe I should just expect it.

Words of a Fat Woman.

2006-08-06T22:47:00.000-04:00

Well, I got through my first week on Phase 1. Man has it sucked. I totally bombed the second and third days I was on the diet. I did get back on track and had 3 good days in a row. Not including that fact that I just recently had my birthday and had to pass up any and all cake/ice cream - talk about being ill... I have been as ill as a hornet! I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be glad for all of the hard work I have done....

Sugar withdrawal has been the worst. You might as well slap me in a hospital bed. I am light headed, dizzy, have headaches, and I am mega bitchy. I can not wait to get to Phase 2. Then I won't feel like such a failure! Today, I slipped up and ate 1 biscuit my son didn't eat and then I had some vanilla wafers my daughter was eating... I have noticed that I always bomb around the kids... "Well, I can't just throw it away!". Words of a fat woman.

Ah, hopefully tomorrow morning when I weigh in I will post in a better mood.

Past Due.

2006-07-31T06:52:00.000-04:00

Alrighty, here is another one of my attempts to get back on track. I have been eating horribly and not running like I had been the past month. Today is a new start - I am starting the South Beach Diet. I have been reading a lot about PCOS and diets and the SBD might just work for me and my PCOS. I am going to walk and do some strength training this week... gonna take it easy. I will beef up to my 13 week running schedule when I enter Phase 2 and can eat carbs again. My first goal is to get to 250 by Christmas. (-38 lbs) I don't want to go to my husband's Christmas party looking like a 288 pounder. I know in the next two weeks I am gonna feel like crap - major sugar withdrawal. So I am prolly gonna get on here and bitch and moan... but isn't that what it is all about?

So here are my boasting stats:

Weight: 288
Bust: 53"
Waist: 48"
Hips: 56"

Hopefully soon I will get some of my pics posted. Til then you will have to suffer MVM shots.

No, not the Froot Loops!

2006-07-19T07:51:00.000-04:00

Man have I been lazy. I didn't run the past 3 days... I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed... and the scary thing is that I didn't feel bad about it either. I really, really don't want to stop - running and diet are the only hope I have to losing this weight. But not only losing the weight - but most importantly changing. I really want to change. I want to eat right - and take care of myself. Since May I have been concentrating on taking care of myself. I have really started to notice how I am getting older and my body isn't able to do the things I once could. That is mostly due to my lack of concern for myself - but that all has to change. Even though I am still young - I am not 16 anymore. I can't skip one meal and lose weight. I can't eat donuts for breakfast and pizza for dinner and maintain. Ah, the life I used to have was so very much carefree. Oh, well....

Speaking of diet, I have got to get a hold on mine. Yesterday, I had 4; yes 4, bowls of Froot Loops, 1 slice of pizza, 2 breadsticks, and 1 cup of peanut butter cookie dough ice cream. Man, that is embarrassing! Not only that, I forgot to take my metformin all day - my body is prolly reeling from it all! So, in order to get myself in line - I have been researching what a girl with PCOS should eat. I have had one doctor recommend SugarBusters, and another Atkins. Well, Atkins and I just don't mix - and SugarBusters honestly doesn't appeal to me. The Low GI looks like it would work - but it is a little complicated for me. However, the SouthBeach looks interesting and somewhat simple. Simplicity is the key for me. So I ordered the book off of Amazon for $3 and I am awaiting its arrival.

Oh, I pray that I can stick to something and change my life.

Carl, Look Alive!

2006-07-12T08:38:00.000-04:00

Well, after much convincing I got myself out of bed and did my run. I was pretty lazy this morning, didn't push myself much at all. I jogged in one minute intervals, three times. I have noticed some changes - I don't huff n puff walking up the street. I used to have to stop to catch my breath - now I just get a little winded and it passes quickly. So if nothing else, I am getting in better shape even though my stats haven't changed that much... and that is nice. It is so embarrassing to go somewhere and people see you having to stop and catch your breath. Anyways, last night I was reading some inspiring blogs from other women who are fighting the bulge. That is the entire reason why I am doing this - to be an inspiration to anyone out there who feels hopeless. I know it can be done - you just have to find the shirt that fits. Those blogs really help me remember that I can do it - and I'm on the right track. So after reading last night, I think I am going to give myself 3 month goals until I reach my target weight. I need to start tweaking my diet and in three months I should start to see some results - plus feel better. I can't wait to feel better! I can't wait to have more energy, and to look and feel alive!

Gonna make you sweat.

2006-07-11T09:01:00.000-04:00

Well, today was supposed to be a rest day - but I exchanged it with yesterday. I got up this morning - it was pretty hard to pull myself out of bed...and it was hard for me to get started running (which is a first). My workout totaled roughly 30 minutes. I ran for 1 & 1/2 minutes then 1 minute, and finally 1/2 minute. By the time I was finished I was poring with sweat - I haven't sweat that much in awhile. I dunno what that means - if I am working harder or it is just hotter outside. It was about 78-80 degrees, which is the usual.

Anyways, I got another beginner running book. I can't wait for it to get here! The "Jog, Run, Race" by Joe Henderson is good but I still can't meet the first goal. He wants you to run 3 minutes straight and I can't get past 2 minutes. So I searched for something that is for extreme beginners and I found a book highly recommended on Amazon. I chose it because there were reviews of people who were 85 pounds overweight and had never ran a day in their lives and now after finishing the book's program were going to run their first 5K & 10K. Man, wouldn't that be awesome!?! I want to be able to run that - I wanna be a runner! Well, I can't remember the name of the book but I will post it as soon as I get it.

Well, I guess that is it for today. I am really worn out - gonna go now - be back tomorrow!

I choose POWERFUL!

2006-07-09T21:54:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I haven't written in awhile... but I haven't stopped running.

I have ran the last two weeks that I have been gone. My legs were hurting pretty badly and I finally asked the doctor (yes, the cute one) what was going on. He said I needed some arch support - so I took his advice and went to the store and got me some Dr. Scholl's. To my surprise, they worked really well. My legs did burn, but nowhere near as bad as before. I was actually able to run 2 minutes! Gosh, I know 2 minutes sounds so novice - and I am. I hate being a newbie at anything. Hopefully, it won't last for long.

Anyways, back to the important stuff. Today was my one-month weigh & measure. I am pretty proud of myself for keeping with it for one-month - it is hard for me to stick to anything. But, I'm trying to change that.

So here are my stats:
Weight: 280 --> 283.8
Pulse Rate: 58 --> 70 (I'm not sure if I recorded the first figure correctly)
Bust: 52" --> 50" (-2!)
Waist: 50" --> 48" (-2!)
Hips: 56" --> 56" (0)

So I lost 2 inches on my bust and waist. My waist is where most people said they saw a change. Of course it is going to take awhile to get rid of my hips.. the one thing that I really want to lose! But, at first I was really disappointed - it doesn't seem like I have changed much for all the work I have done. Am I overreacting? I have no idea - I don't know what to expect - except I have friends who lost something like 15 pounds the first month they started working out. But I can't compare myself to them because it will only make me even more depressed. I am hoping that the 3.8 pounds is muscle mass. I do really have to start working on my diet. That is the toughest part for me - weaning myself off of sugar. Ahhh, I just can't pressure myself too much to change at once because I will buckle and fall back into my old routine. So I am just going to keep running into my 2nd month and try to change my eating as I go. I recently read this book and I found a quote that really motivated me. I am going to use it when I get depressed that things aren't working out and I want to quit.

"You can be pitiful or you can be powerful. The choice is up to you." Joyce Meyer

Little Black Dress

2006-06-25T07:42:00.000-04:00

Well, I am feeling really good this morning. First of all, I got myself out of bed on a Sunday morning and it wasn't very hard. It is getting easier to get out of bed and run - all I have to do is think of myself wearing this cute hat I bought and looking good in it - and secondly thinking how bad I will feel all day knowing I didn't run that morning. I don't want to stop! I hope this feeling lasts forever! The only thing that stinks is my calves are really keeping me from getting the workout I would like to get - but right now I keep thinking "something is better than nothing". I don't know why my legs hurt so badly - it is really frustrating. Today I could only jog a total of 2:15. I don't know if I am crazy (prolly) but I am noticing a decrease in the size of my waist. Can it happen that quickly - I dunno. Oh well, whether true or not it keeps me going thinking about my jeans losing up. I want to get my scales and tape down and see if I have gotten anywhere - but I am not going to let myself until July 16th. I gotta keep that promise. Plus, that too helps me because I want to see those numbers really drop when I do finally measure & weigh. I really hope I can take some inches off before I go on my cruise. I bought a formal dress - long black strappy dress. It looks okay - doable for now. But, if I lost some inches it would look a lot better. I am really thinking about taking some workout clothes and running while on the cruise. If I keep it up by then I know I will have to run - it won't be a question if I want to or not. Gosh, I can't wait to get there - I have always dreamed of being a runner! I really want to be able to do a 5K race within a year - year and half at most. So December 2007 hopefully I will be able to tackle one. Well, I need to shower and get some R&R before my kids wake up.

Yes, Doctor.

2006-06-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to slack off I know... But I am trying not to.

Well Tuesday I didn't get up and workout - instead I took my kids swimming with some friends. I didn't have anyone to put sunscreen on my back, and to make it short, it got fried! I felt like I had the flu all day thereafter. But luckily on Wednesday I felt well enough to get up and do my run. And I did get up this morning too. I have been letting myself sleep in until 7:30 and it is already horribly hot by that point. I have got to get my butt up earlier.

The past two runs I have noticed that my calves start to burn really bad and I have to stop to get the pain to go away. I am not so sure why, I haven't beefed my run hardly at all yet. It stinks because I'm not even worn out when I have to stop - I can still talk, so I know I'm not pushing my heart too hard. But when my legs hurt I have to stop and walk it out and it fades enough to try and jog again. I haven't even been able to jog 2 minutes straight with my calves acting up. I prolly need to go to the doctor - but my doctor is only 5 years older than I am, he is cute, he flirts, and he is single - but all I do is get nervous - I'm fat with a fuzzy chin, acne, skin tabs, and we are talking 100+ lbs fat - boy do I feel like a loser sometimes. If I didn't feel like such a whale I would prolly have fun and flirt back - nothing more cause I love my hubby very much. But damn if it wouldn't feel good to know that someone else thinks I am attractive. I want to have that feeling again. I want to feel like a woman, feel feminine, attractive...

Sometimes I get really discouraged and feel like I am never going to be able to change. Today I did nothing but eat, and it was processed shit on top of that. (sorry for the cursing - I usually don't but I am letting my fingers go with my thoughts) I ate 3, yes 3 Little Debbies. Damn Little Debbie - I can't resist her! Then I had two of my sons brownies that I don't actually really care for - why did I eat them? I dunno, but I did. I know that all of this jogging isn't going to do me any good if I keep eating like this. But I don't know how to stop myself. Sometimes I feel like I have put so much thought, effort, and energy into losing weight that I don't want to worry about it anymore. But I know if I don't worry about it and try to change I am going to get diabetes, heart disease, and die young. And I don't want to die feeling like I do about myself right now. Gosh, how embarrassing would it be -- they would need 15 pallbearers to lift my ass.

Humm... sorry for the vent - I just pray to God I am moving forward because I have no idea even where I am.

75 days

2006-06-19T08:52:00.000-04:00

Well, there are 75 days until my cruise. I have a goal of getting to 240 by then. I dunno if that is out of this world or reachable but I'm gonna give it my best and see where I end up. I measured and weighed myself and I'm putting my scales and tape up until July 16th. (Current Stats: 280, B52, W48, & H55.) I found myself weighing every morning and when I see my weight go up I get really discouraged - even though I shouldn't. So, now I am going to make myself wait a month - plus it gives me motivation this month to really work to see those numbers plummet. So for the 16th I would like to see the scales at 264 - that is 4 lbs a week. If I could get to 240 by the cruise I could wear some of my old 20 & 22 clothes. Gosh, that would be nice. I have a butt load of clothes in my closet that are too small for me that I have folded and put on the top of my shelves. It would be such a blessing to be able to wear some of them on the cruise... or period.

I did get up this morning and run. I got outside around 7am. The run is getting a lot easier. My right leg still began to hurt though - but not as bad as last time. My friend told me I needed to get some cross trainer shoes - so I just might do that. This morning I was outside a total of 36 minutes. I warmed up for 10 minutes then I started jogging 30 seconds and walking 30 seconds. After my 30/30 I went to 60/60 until it was time to warm down. While I was jogging I would have a desire to push myself until it hurt - but in the book I am reading it advises against that. When I don't wear myself out to the point of passing out I don't feel like I have really accomplished anything. But I am putting my trust in this author and taking it easy. I jog until it starts to hurt - either my leg or chest. I just pray to God I am doing this right.

Fatty McGee

2006-06-17T08:33:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a rest day... and that it was - I sat on my ass all day and did nothing. But my leg did start feeling better. I got up this morning at 7am - thanks to my daugther - and got outside and did my run. My legs were buring really bad, so bad that I couldn't run as much as usual. My endurance has definitly increased, but I am not sure what is going on with my legs. Gonna have to google it. I have felt like I didn't run for a week - it was kinda like going through withdrawal. I wanted to go out really bad last night and run but my husband told me to chill out - and he is prolly right I know my body needed it - but my mind wanted something else. But isn't that always the case?

Mexican Delight.

2006-06-15T07:08:00.000-04:00

Man my leg is hurting. Today's run wasn't so hard - I found that I had much more endurance, but my right leg has a sharp pain next to my kneecap. I was going along fine and it just became worse so I had to walk it off. I'm not sure what is up with it - I do stretch before I go out and I walk 10 minutes before I start to jog. I'll have to go see if I can find anything on it. But like I said it was much easier today - so maybe I am making progress! I just have to watch what I am eating. Yesterday was better - but for dinner I had Mexican (my favorite)! I know that isn't good for me! Beef burrito with lettuce, sour cream, queso cheese, rice, beans and chips! AH!!! Oh well, can't cry over spilled milk. Just gotta try harder today. Well, I am off to shower - and think happy thoughts that don't include ice cream!

Sweaty Goodness.

2006-06-14T09:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, got up this morning -- not at 6:30 but at 8:00 instead. I did get my tail outside to run though! I did my 3 one minute jogs within my workout. I'm still sweating even after a cold shower... but at least I know that I did something right. Now I just have to watch my carb intake. I felt really clumsy outside this morning. It is really hard to pick myself up and jog - I'm guessing it is because I am so heavy. Oh well, I can't let it stop me. I often wonder about those people you hear about who lose 100+ pounds... how did they feel when they first started? What kept them going? I dunno - but I sure pray that I have it in me! I was thinking about posting each day something that I want to remind myself of to keep myself on track.. today I want to think of how I want my jeans to be losoe. Loose jeans. loose jeans... loose jeans...

Horrible. Just Horrible.

2006-06-13T21:18:00.000-04:00

Well today I didn't get up at 6:30 to do my rest activity. Instead I slept in until 8:30 and got up and took on the whole day without a nap. Yeah, I said nap. I have gotten into a horrible routine of napping while my kids are napping. So now along with some other things I am trying to break the habit. On top of not getting up on time I haven't eaten very well at all today. I was fine until lunchtime came around. I ate a sandwich, had a Mr. Pibb and 3 Oreo's. To top the day off I ate French toast for dinner. Very sad I know. But, tomorrow I will get up at 6:30 run my 3o minutes and try harder to stick to low carbin'. Gotta remind myself of all those things I can't stand... I'll be back tomorrow morning after my run.

Worn Out.

2006-06-12T07:48:00.000-04:00

Okay I just got finished with my first run. I was suposed to jog 3 minutes straight - I only got 2 in. I warmed up for 10 minutes walking then I jogged 30 seconds and then walked 30 seconds (repeated). After that I tried to jog my 3 minutes then I warmed down for another 5 minutes. I am sweating like a hog. I think for being so out of shape that I did pretty well. I didn't get up at 6:30 like I was suposed to - instead I got out there at 7am.. not really sure what got me out of bed - I just got up. While I was out there I felt really stupid - I'm huge and trying to run but I keep reminding myself that it will feel akward at first. No runner is a professional their first time. I think deep down that is my real goal - to become a true runner. Now I remember what got me out of bed... thinking of all those things I want to change. See this blog is already helping me out. Well, I am off to shower, weigh & measure!

So why am I doing this?

2006-06-11T22:40:00.000-04:00

I'm giving up my daily Root Beer... now why is that? Well, I wanna remind myself of why this is all gonna be worth it.

So once again here we go:
I want to... wear my old clothes, walk up stairs without losing my breath, have the energy to play with my kids, quit taking naps, look forward to shopping again, have energy to be social again, no more bruised hips from coach seating, be able to get up off the floor without help, not break anymore toilet seats, not have my family remind me constantly of how overweight I am, like how I look in pictures, wear my victoria secret underwear again, wear heels again, feel young, no more tight pants, no more women's clothes, no more "blah" clothes, grab some eyes again, make my husband proud, get my tummy tuck, wear a bathing suit and love it, show off my legs again, lose my fat fingers, lose my rolls, get rid of my self consciousness, be able to bend straight over, cross my legs, wear watches and necklaces again, not have my husband monitor everything that goes in my mouth, not feel uncomfortable in social situations, forget about what others think of how I look, not sweat all the time, lose the double chin, not be the fattest amongst my friends, hear my son tell me I am thin, hear my husband tell me I look hot again, not be a woman who gives up on her potential beauty, not be scared of having a heart attack, not be embarrassed by the scale at the doctor's office, quit taking all of my medicines, have family tell me "I can see you have lost a little weight" trying to make me feel better, be healthy, have control over my responses to my emotions, and my mouth, I want to run and feel great, I want to know that I am doing the best that I can do.

So how I am going to start this?
Well tomorrow morning I am going to get up at 6:30 and go out side and jog for 30 minutes. I am following Joe Henderson's "Jog, Run, Race" training schedule. But if I am really pooped I told myself my goal is to get up every morning and at least walk for 30 minutes. (I'm really out of shape so that will prolly happen) I would like to lose 8 pounds by July 9th. And I want to drink my 8 glasses of water a day.
So to recap it all:

Get up every morning and workout for 30 mins
Drink 8 glasses of water a day
Lose 8 pounds in 1 month.

I don't think that is so bad.. I don't want to try to change too much at once. Well, I am off to bed and I will post my run results tomorrow. Gut Nache to all.

Here we go.

2006-06-09T18:36:00.000-04:00

I'm a 20 something woman with PCOS. I found many other women logging their struggles and it has helped me out so much knowing that others are experiencing the same difficulties as I am. In return I wanted to do the same, so here I am. I basically am going to use this journal to log my personal struggle with changing my lifestyle. I am going to make myself be extremely curt and lay it all out - it should help me vent and motivate me to strive to make things better. When I say make things better I want to eliminate my fussy chin, large stomach, acne, mood swings, anxiety, fatigue, dark skin patches, male pattern baldness, and my low self esteem. I want to feel like a woman again! I know in order to start feeling better I have to lose the weight that my PCOS has helped me gain. Eight years, two children and PCOS have led me to gain 120 pounds. I know it is horrible!!! I can't complain about having children, many of my friends with PCOS cannot conceive - so I am thankful for them. But I have to get this weight off - to feel better and to keep myself here as long as I can for my family and mostly for myself. So here we go.