Thank you, McyD's

You know, lately I have been feeling pretty good about my diet.

This past Friday I was helping my mom around the house all day (putting in new floors & painting) by the end of the day we were starving. We had planned to go to the grocery store and get some food to make but we got carried away with getting the house finished. By the time we were finished my kids were starving and so were we. So we did the horrible.... we went to McDonalds. I had a double cheeseburger, french fries and a chocolate shake. Can't you tell I was hungry? After I ate the food, I felt like I had a brick in my stomach! Then I noticed that I hadn't felt that way since I started the South Beach Diet. It was like the past month I didn't even have a stomach... but after eating McyD's it came out of hiding... later that night I had indigestion and a horrible headache. I guess you don't realize how bad... fat, sugar, and carbs can make you feel. Let me tell you, it was extremely easy for me to get back on my diet the next day. I didn't realize how eating right makes you feel so much better. Even though, I really screwed up by going to McDonald's - I was able to realize that my diet is slowly becoming a lifestyle change for me. Just knowing that makes me feel even better than seeing the scales go down. Anyone can lose weight, you can starve yourself, go on a liquid diet, eliminate all carbs... but in the end nothing has really changed except the scales... I want more than that - I want to change my life by becoming healthy and hopefully weight loss will become a side effect. But, McDonalds helped me see that I am not really missing out on anything... unless you count indigestion and headaches as a good time.

I wanna run, run so far...

Ah, I haven't been on my meds in about two weeks due to lack of insurance and the scales claim that I have added on 2 lbs. Not to mention, my period started and will not stop... today is my 11th day... ah, I guess you don't realize how much medicine does help until it is gone. My husband reminded me that if I work hard, and get this weight off I won't need that medicine anymore. What a blessing that would be! So, I turned in my towel and ordered my meds... I am just going to have to fork out the money and deal with it!

I have been feeling a little bummed lately. My hormones could have something to do with it... You know, I always get discouraged easily with my weight - it is like I am looking to fail... I guess I am looking for the easy way out. Well, not this time. Thank God for weight loss blogs. When I'm feeling like a failure, I just pop in a read others journal's and shortly later I feel motivated again. Others have accomplished it - you can too!

Well, I was supposed to get out of bed this morning and run... did I? Nope. So I gotta get in the bed so I can get up and go at it in the morning. I feel really lazy and don't want to - but I remind myself of how great it makes me feel to run. You know, I had a dream the other night that I was running, and it was quite easy - and I didn't want to stop! It felt so great! I want that in reality. Instead of eating when I am happy, sad, or anxious I want to run. I know I can do this. I know I am strong enough. I have always considered myself strong. I have been dealt my crap and I have gotten through it all... this I can too get through.

Fabulous Prom Dress

I didn't lose anything this past week. It is prolly due to how horrible I ate... and in combination with it being that time for me. So maybe I did lose a pound and I will see it in my loss next week?!

I started Phase 2 of my diet today. I had a piece of cheese toast with a cup of fruit for breakfast. I am very satisfied. I really screwed up on Phase 1 of the diet - So many times I would try to eat eggs and just gag... I don't really care for them. I was going to push myself to do Phase 1 this week (to make up for how bad I did this last week)- but I just don't think it is a good idea. If I keep screwing up I am afraid that I will get really discouraged and give up. So, I am on Phase 2.

I am going to start my running again this week. I haven't ran in the past two weeks, so who knows, how that is going to go over with my body! I found these past two weeks that I can't have a huge box of fudgesicles in the freezer... just because they are better than ice cream doesn't mean I can eat an entire box of them in a week! So, I have decided I am going to keep sugar free popsicles and jello available and splurge with fudgesicles and chocolate covered strawberries. So this week, I am going to run T,Th, & SA. I am going to run at least a minute at a time to get my body back to where it was before I went on Phase 1. I knew I had quit running when I went to school to pick up my diploma and I was losing my breath walking up the stairs. I can't stand that! So road here I come!

I am going on a cruise in 19 days... my first one ever. My friend is coming with me and she is wearing my old prom dress from 9 years ago for formal night. She looked fabulous in it - but it made me feel down because I used to wear that same size 12 dress and look fabulous... but now I would be lucky to get it past my boobs. Instead I am wearing a size 22 dress, that is plain as hell, and it is good enough to get by in. Ahhh, I can't get upset - it does no good and on top of that my goal is to get back into that dress in time for our Hawaii trip in 2008. I think it can be done ... NO, I KNOW IT CAN BE DONE!!

Screwed.

I totally screwed myself today. I have been so bitchy... but that is in relation to my PMS.

I ended up going to Chickfila and getting a biscuit this morning and a root beer - then I did good I had a salad for lunch -- then I snacked on some Oreo's, Doritos, Cheetos, and Granola bars until dinner - then I ate a bowl of Cheerios. When I do it - I do it good. I get really pissed off at myself for not giving a damn the moment I shove that crap in my mouth. But, I guess no one wants to hear the my verbal abuse to myself... and well frankly neither do I.

My Aunts and Mother are also dieting with me. They have been on the SBD and are doing Phase 1 also... but they haven't screwed up once! I have screwed up so many times it is unbelieveable! Are they stronger than me? Are they going to make it, and I am not? Why don't I have enough will power as them?

It is pretty damn depressing... Do people who do make it to their goals experience these same stumbles? My "All or Nothing" attitude has got to go.

Praying Hard.

Umk, measured myself and I wasn't so disappointed.

My new stats are:

Weight: 280 <5lbs>
Bust: 52" <1">
Waist: 48" --
Hips: 55" <1">

So in 7 days I lost 5 pounds... Of those 7 days only 4 were sugar free. So if I can stick to more sugar free days this week I will have lost more. I want to reach my goal of 275 by next week sometime. Ah, ultimately I want to be in the 60's before I leave for vacation. I'm gonna do what my mom suggested - pray and expect it. You know, this is my health blog - not my religious one, but I can't deny how far God has brought me in this journey. I just pray that I will lose this weight and be fit... or more importantly that I don't screw this up like I have the past million times... or maybe I should just expect it.

Words of a Fat Woman.

Well, I got through my first week on Phase 1. Man has it sucked. I totally bombed the second and third days I was on the diet. I did get back on track and had 3 good days in a row. Not including that fact that I just recently had my birthday and had to pass up any and all cake/ice cream - talk about being ill... I have been as ill as a hornet! I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be glad for all of the hard work I have done....

Sugar withdrawal has been the worst. You might as well slap me in a hospital bed. I am light headed, dizzy, have headaches, and I am mega bitchy. I can not wait to get to Phase 2. Then I won't feel like such a failure! Today, I slipped up and ate 1 biscuit my son didn't eat and then I had some vanilla wafers my daughter was eating... I have noticed that I always bomb around the kids... "Well, I can't just throw it away!". Words of a fat woman.

Ah, hopefully tomorrow morning when I weigh in I will post in a better mood.

Past Due.

Alrighty, here is another one of my attempts to get back on track. I have been eating horribly and not running like I had been the past month. Today is a new start - I am starting the South Beach Diet. I have been reading a lot about PCOS and diets and the SBD might just work for me and my PCOS. I am going to walk and do some strength training this week... gonna take it easy. I will beef up to my 13 week running schedule when I enter Phase 2 and can eat carbs again. My first goal is to get to 250 by Christmas. (-38 lbs) I don't want to go to my husband's Christmas party looking like a 288 pounder. I know in the next two weeks I am gonna feel like crap - major sugar withdrawal. So I am prolly gonna get on here and bitch and moan... but isn't that what it is all about?

So here are my boasting stats:

Weight: 288
Bust: 53"
Waist: 48"
Hips: 56"

Hopefully soon I will get some of my pics posted. Til then you will have to suffer MVM shots.

No, not the Froot Loops!

Man have I been lazy. I didn't run the past 3 days... I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed... and the scary thing is that I didn't feel bad about it either. I really, really don't want to stop - running and diet are the only hope I have to losing this weight. But not only losing the weight - but most importantly changing. I really want to change. I want to eat right - and take care of myself. Since May I have been concentrating on taking care of myself. I have really started to notice how I am getting older and my body isn't able to do the things I once could. That is mostly due to my lack of concern for myself - but that all has to change. Even though I am still young - I am not 16 anymore. I can't skip one meal and lose weight. I can't eat donuts for breakfast and pizza for dinner and maintain. Ah, the life I used to have was so very much carefree. Oh, well....

Speaking of diet, I have got to get a hold on mine. Yesterday, I had 4; yes 4, bowls of Froot Loops, 1 slice of pizza, 2 breadsticks, and 1 cup of peanut butter cookie dough ice cream. Man, that is embarrassing! Not only that, I forgot to take my metformin all day - my body is prolly reeling from it all! So, in order to get myself in line - I have been researching what a girl with PCOS should eat. I have had one doctor recommend SugarBusters, and another Atkins. Well, Atkins and I just don't mix - and SugarBusters honestly doesn't appeal to me. The Low GI looks like it would work - but it is a little complicated for me. However, the SouthBeach looks interesting and somewhat simple. Simplicity is the key for me. So I ordered the book off of Amazon for $3 and I am awaiting its arrival.

Oh, I pray that I can stick to something and change my life.

Carl, Look Alive!

Well, after much convincing I got myself out of bed and did my run. I was pretty lazy this morning, didn't push myself much at all. I jogged in one minute intervals, three times. I have noticed some changes - I don't huff n puff walking up the street. I used to have to stop to catch my breath - now I just get a little winded and it passes quickly. So if nothing else, I am getting in better shape even though my stats haven't changed that much... and that is nice. It is so embarrassing to go somewhere and people see you having to stop and catch your breath. Anyways, last night I was reading some inspiring blogs from other women who are fighting the bulge. That is the entire reason why I am doing this - to be an inspiration to anyone out there who feels hopeless. I know it can be done - you just have to find the shirt that fits. Those blogs really help me remember that I can do it - and I'm on the right track. So after reading last night, I think I am going to give myself 3 month goals until I reach my target weight. I need to start tweaking my diet and in three months I should start to see some results - plus feel better. I can't wait to feel better! I can't wait to have more energy, and to look and feel alive!

Gonna make you sweat.

Well, today was supposed to be a rest day - but I exchanged it with yesterday. I got up this morning - it was pretty hard to pull myself out of bed...and it was hard for me to get started running (which is a first). My workout totaled roughly 30 minutes. I ran for 1 & 1/2 minutes then 1 minute, and finally 1/2 minute. By the time I was finished I was poring with sweat - I haven't sweat that much in awhile. I dunno what that means - if I am working harder or it is just hotter outside. It was about 78-80 degrees, which is the usual.

Anyways, I got another beginner running book. I can't wait for it to get here! The "Jog, Run, Race" by Joe Henderson is good but I still can't meet the first goal. He wants you to run 3 minutes straight and I can't get past 2 minutes. So I searched for something that is for extreme beginners and I found a book highly recommended on Amazon. I chose it because there were reviews of people who were 85 pounds overweight and had never ran a day in their lives and now after finishing the book's program were going to run their first 5K & 10K. Man, wouldn't that be awesome!?! I want to be able to run that - I wanna be a runner! Well, I can't remember the name of the book but I will post it as soon as I get it.

Well, I guess that is it for today. I am really worn out - gonna go now - be back tomorrow!

I choose POWERFUL!

Alright, so I haven't written in awhile... but I haven't stopped running.

I have ran the last two weeks that I have been gone. My legs were hurting pretty badly and I finally asked the doctor (yes, the cute one) what was going on. He said I needed some arch support - so I took his advice and went to the store and got me some Dr. Scholl's. To my surprise, they worked really well. My legs did burn, but nowhere near as bad as before. I was actually able to run 2 minutes! Gosh, I know 2 minutes sounds so novice - and I am. I hate being a newbie at anything. Hopefully, it won't last for long.

Anyways, back to the important stuff. Today was my one-month weigh & measure. I am pretty proud of myself for keeping with it for one-month - it is hard for me to stick to anything. But, I'm trying to change that.

So here are my stats:
Weight: 280 --> 283.8
Pulse Rate: 58 --> 70 (I'm not sure if I recorded the first figure correctly)
Bust: 52" --> 50" (-2!)
Waist: 50" --> 48" (-2!)
Hips: 56" --> 56" (0)

So I lost 2 inches on my bust and waist. My waist is where most people said they saw a change. Of course it is going to take awhile to get rid of my hips.. the one thing that I really want to lose! But, at first I was really disappointed - it doesn't seem like I have changed much for all the work I have done. Am I overreacting? I have no idea - I don't know what to expect - except I have friends who lost something like 15 pounds the first month they started working out. But I can't compare myself to them because it will only make me even more depressed. I am hoping that the 3.8 pounds is muscle mass. I do really have to start working on my diet. That is the toughest part for me - weaning myself off of sugar. Ahhh, I just can't pressure myself too much to change at once because I will buckle and fall back into my old routine. So I am just going to keep running into my 2nd month and try to change my eating as I go. I recently read this book and I found a quote that really motivated me. I am going to use it when I get depressed that things aren't working out and I want to quit.

"You can be pitiful or you can be powerful. The choice is up to you." Joyce Meyer

Little Black Dress

Well, I am feeling really good this morning. First of all, I got myself out of bed on a Sunday morning and it wasn't very hard. It is getting easier to get out of bed and run - all I have to do is think of myself wearing this cute hat I bought and looking good in it - and secondly thinking how bad I will feel all day knowing I didn't run that morning. I don't want to stop! I hope this feeling lasts forever! The only thing that stinks is my calves are really keeping me from getting the workout I would like to get - but right now I keep thinking "something is better than nothing". I don't know why my legs hurt so badly - it is really frustrating. Today I could only jog a total of 2:15. I don't know if I am crazy (prolly) but I am noticing a decrease in the size of my waist. Can it happen that quickly - I dunno. Oh well, whether true or not it keeps me going thinking about my jeans losing up. I want to get my scales and tape down and see if I have gotten anywhere - but I am not going to let myself until July 16th. I gotta keep that promise. Plus, that too helps me because I want to see those numbers really drop when I do finally measure & weigh. I really hope I can take some inches off before I go on my cruise. I bought a formal dress - long black strappy dress. It looks okay - doable for now. But, if I lost some inches it would look a lot better. I am really thinking about taking some workout clothes and running while on the cruise. If I keep it up by then I know I will have to run - it won't be a question if I want to or not. Gosh, I can't wait to get there - I have always dreamed of being a runner! I really want to be able to do a 5K race within a year - year and half at most. So December 2007 hopefully I will be able to tackle one. Well, I need to shower and get some R&R before my kids wake up.

Yes, Doctor.

I'm starting to slack off I know... But I am trying not to.

Well Tuesday I didn't get up and workout - instead I took my kids swimming with some friends. I didn't have anyone to put sunscreen on my back, and to make it short, it got fried! I felt like I had the flu all day thereafter. But luckily on Wednesday I felt well enough to get up and do my run. And I did get up this morning too. I have been letting myself sleep in until 7:30 and it is already horribly hot by that point. I have got to get my butt up earlier.

The past two runs I have noticed that my calves start to burn really bad and I have to stop to get the pain to go away. I am not so sure why, I haven't beefed my run hardly at all yet. It stinks because I'm not even worn out when I have to stop - I can still talk, so I know I'm not pushing my heart too hard. But when my legs hurt I have to stop and walk it out and it fades enough to try and jog again. I haven't even been able to jog 2 minutes straight with my calves acting up. I prolly need to go to the doctor - but my doctor is only 5 years older than I am, he is cute, he flirts, and he is single - but all I do is get nervous - I'm fat with a fuzzy chin, acne, skin tabs, and we are talking 100+ lbs fat - boy do I feel like a loser sometimes. If I didn't feel like such a whale I would prolly have fun and flirt back - nothing more cause I love my hubby very much. But damn if it wouldn't feel good to know that someone else thinks I am attractive. I want to have that feeling again. I want to feel like a woman, feel feminine, attractive...

Sometimes I get really discouraged and feel like I am never going to be able to change. Today I did nothing but eat, and it was processed shit on top of that. (sorry for the cursing - I usually don't but I am letting my fingers go with my thoughts) I ate 3, yes 3 Little Debbies. Damn Little Debbie - I can't resist her! Then I had two of my sons brownies that I don't actually really care for - why did I eat them? I dunno, but I did. I know that all of this jogging isn't going to do me any good if I keep eating like this. But I don't know how to stop myself. Sometimes I feel like I have put so much thought, effort, and energy into losing weight that I don't want to worry about it anymore. But I know if I don't worry about it and try to change I am going to get diabetes, heart disease, and die young. And I don't want to die feeling like I do about myself right now. Gosh, how embarrassing would it be -- they would need 15 pallbearers to lift my ass.

Humm... sorry for the vent - I just pray to God I am moving forward because I have no idea even where I am.

75 days

Well, there are 75 days until my cruise. I have a goal of getting to 240 by then. I dunno if that is out of this world or reachable but I'm gonna give it my best and see where I end up. I measured and weighed myself and I'm putting my scales and tape up until July 16th. (Current Stats: 280, B52, W48, & H55.) I found myself weighing every morning and when I see my weight go up I get really discouraged - even though I shouldn't. So, now I am going to make myself wait a month - plus it gives me motivation this month to really work to see those numbers plummet. So for the 16th I would like to see the scales at 264 - that is 4 lbs a week. If I could get to 240 by the cruise I could wear some of my old 20 & 22 clothes. Gosh, that would be nice. I have a butt load of clothes in my closet that are too small for me that I have folded and put on the top of my shelves. It would be such a blessing to be able to wear some of them on the cruise... or period.

I did get up this morning and run. I got outside around 7am. The run is getting a lot easier. My right leg still began to hurt though - but not as bad as last time. My friend told me I needed to get some cross trainer shoes - so I just might do that. This morning I was outside a total of 36 minutes. I warmed up for 10 minutes then I started jogging 30 seconds and walking 30 seconds. After my 30/30 I went to 60/60 until it was time to warm down. While I was jogging I would have a desire to push myself until it hurt - but in the book I am reading it advises against that. When I don't wear myself out to the point of passing out I don't feel like I have really accomplished anything. But I am putting my trust in this author and taking it easy. I jog until it starts to hurt - either my leg or chest. I just pray to God I am doing this right.

Fatty McGee

Yesterday was a rest day... and that it was - I sat on my ass all day and did nothing. But my leg did start feeling better. I got up this morning at 7am - thanks to my daugther - and got outside and did my run. My legs were buring really bad, so bad that I couldn't run as much as usual. My endurance has definitly increased, but I am not sure what is going on with my legs. Gonna have to google it. I have felt like I didn't run for a week - it was kinda like going through withdrawal. I wanted to go out really bad last night and run but my husband told me to chill out - and he is prolly right I know my body needed it - but my mind wanted something else. But isn't that always the case?

Mexican Delight.

Man my leg is hurting. Today's run wasn't so hard - I found that I had much more endurance, but my right leg has a sharp pain next to my kneecap. I was going along fine and it just became worse so I had to walk it off. I'm not sure what is up with it - I do stretch before I go out and I walk 10 minutes before I start to jog. I'll have to go see if I can find anything on it. But like I said it was much easier today - so maybe I am making progress! I just have to watch what I am eating. Yesterday was better - but for dinner I had Mexican (my favorite)! I know that isn't good for me! Beef burrito with lettuce, sour cream, queso cheese, rice, beans and chips! AH!!! Oh well, can't cry over spilled milk. Just gotta try harder today. Well, I am off to shower - and think happy thoughts that don't include ice cream!

Sweaty Goodness.

Okay, got up this morning -- not at 6:30 but at 8:00 instead. I did get my tail outside to run though! I did my 3 one minute jogs within my workout. I'm still sweating even after a cold shower... but at least I know that I did something right. Now I just have to watch my carb intake. I felt really clumsy outside this morning. It is really hard to pick myself up and jog - I'm guessing it is because I am so heavy. Oh well, I can't let it stop me. I often wonder about those people you hear about who lose 100+ pounds... how did they feel when they first started? What kept them going? I dunno - but I sure pray that I have it in me! I was thinking about posting each day something that I want to remind myself of to keep myself on track.. today I want to think of how I want my jeans to be losoe. Loose jeans. loose jeans... loose jeans...

Horrible. Just Horrible.

Well today I didn't get up at 6:30 to do my rest activity. Instead I slept in until 8:30 and got up and took on the whole day without a nap. Yeah, I said nap. I have gotten into a horrible routine of napping while my kids are napping. So now along with some other things I am trying to break the habit. On top of not getting up on time I haven't eaten very well at all today. I was fine until lunchtime came around. I ate a sandwich, had a Mr. Pibb and 3 Oreo's. To top the day off I ate French toast for dinner. Very sad I know. But, tomorrow I will get up at 6:30 run my 3o minutes and try harder to stick to low carbin'. Gotta remind myself of all those things I can't stand... I'll be back tomorrow morning after my run.

Worn Out.

Okay I just got finished with my first run. I was suposed to jog 3 minutes straight - I only got 2 in. I warmed up for 10 minutes walking then I jogged 30 seconds and then walked 30 seconds (repeated). After that I tried to jog my 3 minutes then I warmed down for another 5 minutes. I am sweating like a hog. I think for being so out of shape that I did pretty well. I didn't get up at 6:30 like I was suposed to - instead I got out there at 7am.. not really sure what got me out of bed - I just got up. While I was out there I felt really stupid - I'm huge and trying to run but I keep reminding myself that it will feel akward at first. No runner is a professional their first time. I think deep down that is my real goal - to become a true runner. Now I remember what got me out of bed... thinking of all those things I want to change. See this blog is already helping me out. Well, I am off to shower, weigh & measure!

So why am I doing this?

I'm giving up my daily Root Beer... now why is that? Well, I wanna remind myself of why this is all gonna be worth it.

So once again here we go:
I want to... wear my old clothes, walk up stairs without losing my breath, have the energy to play with my kids, quit taking naps, look forward to shopping again, have energy to be social again, no more bruised hips from coach seating, be able to get up off the floor without help, not break anymore toilet seats, not have my family remind me constantly of how overweight I am, like how I look in pictures, wear my victoria secret underwear again, wear heels again, feel young, no more tight pants, no more women's clothes, no more "blah" clothes, grab some eyes again, make my husband proud, get my tummy tuck, wear a bathing suit and love it, show off my legs again, lose my fat fingers, lose my rolls, get rid of my self consciousness, be able to bend straight over, cross my legs, wear watches and necklaces again, not have my husband monitor everything that goes in my mouth, not feel uncomfortable in social situations, forget about what others think of how I look, not sweat all the time, lose the double chin, not be the fattest amongst my friends, hear my son tell me I am thin, hear my husband tell me I look hot again, not be a woman who gives up on her potential beauty, not be scared of having a heart attack, not be embarrassed by the scale at the doctor's office, quit taking all of my medicines, have family tell me "I can see you have lost a little weight" trying to make me feel better, be healthy, have control over my responses to my emotions, and my mouth, I want to run and feel great, I want to know that I am doing the best that I can do.

So how I am going to start this?
Well tomorrow morning I am going to get up at 6:30 and go out side and jog for 30 minutes. I am following Joe Henderson's "Jog, Run, Race" training schedule. But if I am really pooped I told myself my goal is to get up every morning and at least walk for 30 minutes. (I'm really out of shape so that will prolly happen) I would like to lose 8 pounds by July 9th. And I want to drink my 8 glasses of water a day.
So to recap it all:

1. Get up every morning and workout for 30 mins
2. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
3. Lose 8 pounds in 1 month.
   

I don't think that is so bad.. I don't want to try to change too much at once. Well, I am off to bed and I will post my run results tomorrow. Gut Nache to all.