Yes, Doctor.

I'm starting to slack off I know... But I am trying not to.

Well Tuesday I didn't get up and workout - instead I took my kids swimming with some friends. I didn't have anyone to put sunscreen on my back, and to make it short, it got fried! I felt like I had the flu all day thereafter. But luckily on Wednesday I felt well enough to get up and do my run. And I did get up this morning too. I have been letting myself sleep in until 7:30 and it is already horribly hot by that point. I have got to get my butt up earlier.

The past two runs I have noticed that my calves start to burn really bad and I have to stop to get the pain to go away. I am not so sure why, I haven't beefed my run hardly at all yet. It stinks because I'm not even worn out when I have to stop - I can still talk, so I know I'm not pushing my heart too hard. But when my legs hurt I have to stop and walk it out and it fades enough to try and jog again. I haven't even been able to jog 2 minutes straight with my calves acting up. I prolly need to go to the doctor - but my doctor is only 5 years older than I am, he is cute, he flirts, and he is single - but all I do is get nervous - I'm fat with a fuzzy chin, acne, skin tabs, and we are talking 100+ lbs fat - boy do I feel like a loser sometimes. If I didn't feel like such a whale I would prolly have fun and flirt back - nothing more cause I love my hubby very much. But damn if it wouldn't feel good to know that someone else thinks I am attractive. I want to have that feeling again. I want to feel like a woman, feel feminine, attractive...

Sometimes I get really discouraged and feel like I am never going to be able to change. Today I did nothing but eat, and it was processed shit on top of that. (sorry for the cursing - I usually don't but I am letting my fingers go with my thoughts) I ate 3, yes 3 Little Debbies. Damn Little Debbie - I can't resist her! Then I had two of my sons brownies that I don't actually really care for - why did I eat them? I dunno, but I did. I know that all of this jogging isn't going to do me any good if I keep eating like this. But I don't know how to stop myself. Sometimes I feel like I have put so much thought, effort, and energy into losing weight that I don't want to worry about it anymore. But I know if I don't worry about it and try to change I am going to get diabetes, heart disease, and die young. And I don't want to die feeling like I do about myself right now. Gosh, how embarrassing would it be -- they would need 15 pallbearers to lift my ass.

Humm... sorry for the vent - I just pray to God I am moving forward because I have no idea even where I am.