Little Black Dress

Well, I am feeling really good this morning. First of all, I got myself out of bed on a Sunday morning and it wasn't very hard. It is getting easier to get out of bed and run - all I have to do is think of myself wearing this cute hat I bought and looking good in it - and secondly thinking how bad I will feel all day knowing I didn't run that morning. I don't want to stop! I hope this feeling lasts forever! The only thing that stinks is my calves are really keeping me from getting the workout I would like to get - but right now I keep thinking "something is better than nothing". I don't know why my legs hurt so badly - it is really frustrating. Today I could only jog a total of 2:15. I don't know if I am crazy (prolly) but I am noticing a decrease in the size of my waist. Can it happen that quickly - I dunno. Oh well, whether true or not it keeps me going thinking about my jeans losing up. I want to get my scales and tape down and see if I have gotten anywhere - but I am not going to let myself until July 16th. I gotta keep that promise. Plus, that too helps me because I want to see those numbers really drop when I do finally measure & weigh. I really hope I can take some inches off before I go on my cruise. I bought a formal dress - long black strappy dress. It looks okay - doable for now. But, if I lost some inches it would look a lot better. I am really thinking about taking some workout clothes and running while on the cruise. If I keep it up by then I know I will have to run - it won't be a question if I want to or not. Gosh, I can't wait to get there - I have always dreamed of being a runner! I really want to be able to do a 5K race within a year - year and half at most. So December 2007 hopefully I will be able to tackle one. Well, I need to shower and get some R&R before my kids wake up.

Yes, Doctor.

I'm starting to slack off I know... But I am trying not to.

Well Tuesday I didn't get up and workout - instead I took my kids swimming with some friends. I didn't have anyone to put sunscreen on my back, and to make it short, it got fried! I felt like I had the flu all day thereafter. But luckily on Wednesday I felt well enough to get up and do my run. And I did get up this morning too. I have been letting myself sleep in until 7:30 and it is already horribly hot by that point. I have got to get my butt up earlier.

The past two runs I have noticed that my calves start to burn really bad and I have to stop to get the pain to go away. I am not so sure why, I haven't beefed my run hardly at all yet. It stinks because I'm not even worn out when I have to stop - I can still talk, so I know I'm not pushing my heart too hard. But when my legs hurt I have to stop and walk it out and it fades enough to try and jog again. I haven't even been able to jog 2 minutes straight with my calves acting up. I prolly need to go to the doctor - but my doctor is only 5 years older than I am, he is cute, he flirts, and he is single - but all I do is get nervous - I'm fat with a fuzzy chin, acne, skin tabs, and we are talking 100+ lbs fat - boy do I feel like a loser sometimes. If I didn't feel like such a whale I would prolly have fun and flirt back - nothing more cause I love my hubby very much. But damn if it wouldn't feel good to know that someone else thinks I am attractive. I want to have that feeling again. I want to feel like a woman, feel feminine, attractive...

Sometimes I get really discouraged and feel like I am never going to be able to change. Today I did nothing but eat, and it was processed shit on top of that. (sorry for the cursing - I usually don't but I am letting my fingers go with my thoughts) I ate 3, yes 3 Little Debbies. Damn Little Debbie - I can't resist her! Then I had two of my sons brownies that I don't actually really care for - why did I eat them? I dunno, but I did. I know that all of this jogging isn't going to do me any good if I keep eating like this. But I don't know how to stop myself. Sometimes I feel like I have put so much thought, effort, and energy into losing weight that I don't want to worry about it anymore. But I know if I don't worry about it and try to change I am going to get diabetes, heart disease, and die young. And I don't want to die feeling like I do about myself right now. Gosh, how embarrassing would it be -- they would need 15 pallbearers to lift my ass.

Humm... sorry for the vent - I just pray to God I am moving forward because I have no idea even where I am.

75 days

Well, there are 75 days until my cruise. I have a goal of getting to 240 by then. I dunno if that is out of this world or reachable but I'm gonna give it my best and see where I end up. I measured and weighed myself and I'm putting my scales and tape up until July 16th. (Current Stats: 280, B52, W48, & H55.) I found myself weighing every morning and when I see my weight go up I get really discouraged - even though I shouldn't. So, now I am going to make myself wait a month - plus it gives me motivation this month to really work to see those numbers plummet. So for the 16th I would like to see the scales at 264 - that is 4 lbs a week. If I could get to 240 by the cruise I could wear some of my old 20 & 22 clothes. Gosh, that would be nice. I have a butt load of clothes in my closet that are too small for me that I have folded and put on the top of my shelves. It would be such a blessing to be able to wear some of them on the cruise... or period.

I did get up this morning and run. I got outside around 7am. The run is getting a lot easier. My right leg still began to hurt though - but not as bad as last time. My friend told me I needed to get some cross trainer shoes - so I just might do that. This morning I was outside a total of 36 minutes. I warmed up for 10 minutes then I started jogging 30 seconds and walking 30 seconds. After my 30/30 I went to 60/60 until it was time to warm down. While I was jogging I would have a desire to push myself until it hurt - but in the book I am reading it advises against that. When I don't wear myself out to the point of passing out I don't feel like I have really accomplished anything. But I am putting my trust in this author and taking it easy. I jog until it starts to hurt - either my leg or chest. I just pray to God I am doing this right.

Fatty McGee

Yesterday was a rest day... and that it was - I sat on my ass all day and did nothing. But my leg did start feeling better. I got up this morning at 7am - thanks to my daugther - and got outside and did my run. My legs were buring really bad, so bad that I couldn't run as much as usual. My endurance has definitly increased, but I am not sure what is going on with my legs. Gonna have to google it. I have felt like I didn't run for a week - it was kinda like going through withdrawal. I wanted to go out really bad last night and run but my husband told me to chill out - and he is prolly right I know my body needed it - but my mind wanted something else. But isn't that always the case?

Mexican Delight.

Man my leg is hurting. Today's run wasn't so hard - I found that I had much more endurance, but my right leg has a sharp pain next to my kneecap. I was going along fine and it just became worse so I had to walk it off. I'm not sure what is up with it - I do stretch before I go out and I walk 10 minutes before I start to jog. I'll have to go see if I can find anything on it. But like I said it was much easier today - so maybe I am making progress! I just have to watch what I am eating. Yesterday was better - but for dinner I had Mexican (my favorite)! I know that isn't good for me! Beef burrito with lettuce, sour cream, queso cheese, rice, beans and chips! AH!!! Oh well, can't cry over spilled milk. Just gotta try harder today. Well, I am off to shower - and think happy thoughts that don't include ice cream!

Sweaty Goodness.

Okay, got up this morning -- not at 6:30 but at 8:00 instead. I did get my tail outside to run though! I did my 3 one minute jogs within my workout. I'm still sweating even after a cold shower... but at least I know that I did something right. Now I just have to watch my carb intake. I felt really clumsy outside this morning. It is really hard to pick myself up and jog - I'm guessing it is because I am so heavy. Oh well, I can't let it stop me. I often wonder about those people you hear about who lose 100+ pounds... how did they feel when they first started? What kept them going? I dunno - but I sure pray that I have it in me! I was thinking about posting each day something that I want to remind myself of to keep myself on track.. today I want to think of how I want my jeans to be losoe. Loose jeans. loose jeans... loose jeans...

Horrible. Just Horrible.

Well today I didn't get up at 6:30 to do my rest activity. Instead I slept in until 8:30 and got up and took on the whole day without a nap. Yeah, I said nap. I have gotten into a horrible routine of napping while my kids are napping. So now along with some other things I am trying to break the habit. On top of not getting up on time I haven't eaten very well at all today. I was fine until lunchtime came around. I ate a sandwich, had a Mr. Pibb and 3 Oreo's. To top the day off I ate French toast for dinner. Very sad I know. But, tomorrow I will get up at 6:30 run my 3o minutes and try harder to stick to low carbin'. Gotta remind myself of all those things I can't stand... I'll be back tomorrow morning after my run.

Worn Out.

Okay I just got finished with my first run. I was suposed to jog 3 minutes straight - I only got 2 in. I warmed up for 10 minutes walking then I jogged 30 seconds and then walked 30 seconds (repeated). After that I tried to jog my 3 minutes then I warmed down for another 5 minutes. I am sweating like a hog. I think for being so out of shape that I did pretty well. I didn't get up at 6:30 like I was suposed to - instead I got out there at 7am.. not really sure what got me out of bed - I just got up. While I was out there I felt really stupid - I'm huge and trying to run but I keep reminding myself that it will feel akward at first. No runner is a professional their first time. I think deep down that is my real goal - to become a true runner. Now I remember what got me out of bed... thinking of all those things I want to change. See this blog is already helping me out. Well, I am off to shower, weigh & measure!

So why am I doing this?

I'm giving up my daily Root Beer... now why is that? Well, I wanna remind myself of why this is all gonna be worth it.

So once again here we go:
I want to... wear my old clothes, walk up stairs without losing my breath, have the energy to play with my kids, quit taking naps, look forward to shopping again, have energy to be social again, no more bruised hips from coach seating, be able to get up off the floor without help, not break anymore toilet seats, not have my family remind me constantly of how overweight I am, like how I look in pictures, wear my victoria secret underwear again, wear heels again, feel young, no more tight pants, no more women's clothes, no more "blah" clothes, grab some eyes again, make my husband proud, get my tummy tuck, wear a bathing suit and love it, show off my legs again, lose my fat fingers, lose my rolls, get rid of my self consciousness, be able to bend straight over, cross my legs, wear watches and necklaces again, not have my husband monitor everything that goes in my mouth, not feel uncomfortable in social situations, forget about what others think of how I look, not sweat all the time, lose the double chin, not be the fattest amongst my friends, hear my son tell me I am thin, hear my husband tell me I look hot again, not be a woman who gives up on her potential beauty, not be scared of having a heart attack, not be embarrassed by the scale at the doctor's office, quit taking all of my medicines, have family tell me "I can see you have lost a little weight" trying to make me feel better, be healthy, have control over my responses to my emotions, and my mouth, I want to run and feel great, I want to know that I am doing the best that I can do.

So how I am going to start this?
Well tomorrow morning I am going to get up at 6:30 and go out side and jog for 30 minutes. I am following Joe Henderson's "Jog, Run, Race" training schedule. But if I am really pooped I told myself my goal is to get up every morning and at least walk for 30 minutes. (I'm really out of shape so that will prolly happen) I would like to lose 8 pounds by July 9th. And I want to drink my 8 glasses of water a day.
So to recap it all:

1. Get up every morning and workout for 30 mins
2. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
3. Lose 8 pounds in 1 month.
   

I don't think that is so bad.. I don't want to try to change too much at once. Well, I am off to bed and I will post my run results tomorrow. Gut Nache to all.

Here we go.

I'm a 20 something woman with PCOS. I found many other women logging their struggles and it has helped me out so much knowing that others are experiencing the same difficulties as I am. In return I wanted to do the same, so here I am. I basically am going to use this journal to log my personal struggle with changing my lifestyle. I am going to make myself be extremely curt and lay it all out - it should help me vent and motivate me to strive to make things better. When I say make things better I want to eliminate my fussy chin, large stomach, acne, mood swings, anxiety, fatigue, dark skin patches, male pattern baldness, and my low self esteem. I want to feel like a woman again! I know in order to start feeling better I have to lose the weight that my PCOS has helped me gain. Eight years, two children and PCOS have led me to gain 120 pounds. I know it is horrible!!! I can't complain about having children, many of my friends with PCOS cannot conceive - so I am thankful for them. But I have to get this weight off - to feel better and to keep myself here as long as I can for my family and mostly for myself. So here we go.