Me & Golds 1 Month Anni.

Well today is the mark of my 1 month gym workout anniversary.

After working out today, I put on a pair of my jeans straight from the dryer - that are usually pretty tight. You could see the indention's of the contents of my pockets like you had x-ray vision - but today they were a lot less tight... not baggy... but not as tight. Then I realized that I have lost 11 lbs... that is the most I have lost in the past 3 years of my endless weight loss attempts. Not much but a lot for me and my PCOS. It really excites me and motivates me. Tomorrow I go grocery shopping for fresh veggies and fruit -- If I focus on my diet as strictly as I have been my workouts I know I will see a larger drop... plus feel better.

I hope I see some type of loss either weight or inches Friday.

Argh.

No change this week... still holding at 275. But the scale at the gym says I am at 277 - so I am going to start going by that one -- it is like the ones used in doctor's offices anyway. I did lose a 1/2 inch on my waist though. ;)

Woohoo!

Alrighty! I am down to 275.2! That is pretty exciting! Seeing that type of weight loss really motivates me to keep kicking it! So far this week I have done my hour long cardio workout 3 times. I am gonna try to go tonight -- starting to feel sick - so we will see. I have been watching my calorie intake and carb intake. I have been hovering around 1600 calories a day and 100 carbs a day.

Working out has helped suppress my appetite. I burn roughly 200 calories on the StairMaster in 15 minutes... and boy do I get pissed off at it -- it kicks my ass HARD. While I am on it I think to myself "You know that damn Hershey bar isn't worth this torture!!!!" So it hasn't been hard for me lately to stay away from the bad stuff... but I know Christmas will be a different story... might have to work out 5 times that week.

Sugar, just beat it!

Wednesday I started my hour workout routine. I didn't quite make it to one hour but I was 20 mins from it. It really worked my butt out though... I was so sore on Thursday that I didn't go to the gym. But I did yesterday.

Yesterday my workout consisted of:
- 15 on the treadmill (185 calories)
- 15 on the stairmaster (206 calories)
- 15 on the stationary bike (85 calories)
- 15 on the elliptical (200 calories)

So, my workout burned 676 calories. That is 2.3 Little Debbie Brownies, 6.4 8 oz Coke's, 4.5 Twinkies or 1.82 Taco Bell Bean Burritos.

Gosh, just think it only takes you 5 minutes to eat 4.5 twinkies - but 60 minutes to burn them off! It really proves to me that our bodies were meant to maximize what we eat. But, then again I have a slow metabolism so others could have a different story.

Today I have eaten a bowl of All Bran with a cut up banana, then a Veggie Burger with veggie salad and a Coke Zero. I was doing great then after lunch I went and had half of my daughter's little debbie brownie (145 calories), and three (I hate to admit it but yes) three twinkies.(450 calories) So that one tiny(well, no BIG) mess up costs me 595 calories.. almost my entire workout. But ya know what really pisses me off? Is that when one morsel of sugar hits my lips I go into "Can't Stop" mode! I forget about what I am trying to accomplish, how hard the stairmaster kicks my butt, and how much I LOATHE being fat. Sugar is my biggest enemy ... next to myself.

Gym Madness.

Well, I didn't have a weight loss last week -- but at least it wasn't a gain. All I have been doing lately is going to the gym... and I am loving it! I am a SAHM right now, and going to the gym with my friend is such an escape for me... plus I feel much more energetic because I feel like I am working towards my weight loss goals... not just sitting around wishing they would come true.

For the past week I have just been getting used to the gym and all of the machines. I have been doing the elliptical machine from 15 to 25 mins at a time - then I go and do the arm and leg machines for about 30 mins. I am going to have to bump up my cardio time. The personal trainer told me that if I want to avoid diabetes I have to focus on weight loss via cardio. She told me strength training is important but it won't be as important until I drop some of my weight. I really love the cardio machines at the gym. They tell you based on your weight and age what your target heart rate should be to burn calories... so that settles my heart some because I know I am working out hard enough but not too hard to hurt myself. My new plan is to do the treadmill for 15 mins, then the stairmaster or stationary bike for 15, then the track for 15 and then the elliptical for 15. I figured this way would help me not become so bored and secondly it would help me not dread any one given machine... cause you know being on one machine for 60 minutes just seems like torture to me... but then again maybe I am just a little spastic.

Well, I gotta go get my baby from school -- then I am going the gym again tonight!

CAUTION: RANT

Well, my goal for my first week was a loss of 2 lbs, and I got a 3 lb loss even with Thanksgiving. That is pretty good ;)

Yesterday, I let myself have whatever I wanted -- and there was tons of carbs! I weighed myself yesterday before eating and the scale said 276.0 - then I weighed myself just now and it says 280.0! Is that even possible? A 4 lb gain in 1 day!? Does this happen to other dieters when they take a break? Or, is this just me and there is something wrong with my body? Yesterday, I didn't eat great at all - but I wasn't expecting a 4 lb gain... I was thinking more or less 2 lb. Well, I am not going to let it get me down - I did still reach my weekly goal, which is good.

Well, Wednesday my girlfriend and I joined the gym. I got a 6 month membership. I wanted to get a 3 month but they wanted me to pay in full instead of installments -- just couldn't do that at this time of year -- so 6 months it is. Anyways, I am excited about the gym - they have a ton of stuff to do -- even water aerobic classes. And, what is really funny is that my end date lands on my sons graduation from Kindergarten. That is an event that I was looking forward to go to a lot lighter - so that motivates me even more. Also, I go next week and a personal trainer evaluates me and gives me a workout plan to follow for 12 weeks and then we meet up again to see my results and change my workout regime. At the end of 12 weeks I will be going on that cruise with my husband .. so I don't lack any motivating events for the future! I am pretty excited though -- I am ready to be active and know that I am doing all that I can. Plus, it gives me something to do for myself and a chance to get out of the house. Being a SAHM can give ya a little cabin fever from time to time.

Oh, yeah I was offered a job and I was supposed to start on the 27th but... I had to do a drug test. I went and did a drug test but the doctors office rejected my sample because: 1) it wasn't 45 ml - it was 40 ml 2) it wasn't hot enough AKA they didn't believe it was my piss. So, they wanted me to wait another 1 - 1 1/2 hour to do another test and I couldn't (I had already been there for an hour and half) I had my children with me - I couldn't find anyone to watch them for me. So, I had to leave and they faxed a letter to my future employer that said I rejected a drug test... which I didn't - I did the friggin' thing. So, I called my company told the HR lady what happened - told her I would take 5 more if they needed me to - but that wasn't good enough - they told me "No job for you!". So, I am back at square one again. I was really bummed out at first - but now I know it was for the best, God knew I didn't need to be there and thankfully he shut the door before I could walk through it.

But, ya know I don't agree with employment drug testing or physicals. My aunt had a physical for a job and the doctor wrote down that she MAY have carpal tunnel syndrome in the future and they denied her the job because she would have to do some typing. The woman is healthy as a buck. I think that is hardcore discrimination. But legally it isn't because "it may affect her job performance." My husband doesn't agree with me... but I think it is a really bad practice that is going to lead to worse things. I mean what if your drug test came back false positive? How could you prove your innocence? You couldn't. I offered to take a million more drug tests and they told me that waiting until the next morning would give me time to get "the drugs" out of my system. (Yes, they talked to me like I was a junkie!) Secondly, if your pee isn't yellow enough they won't accept your sample. Well I drink so much water that my pee is hardly ever yellow! That doesn't mean I am doing drugs! I am trying to be healthy for crying out loud! To me when a company does pre-employment drug testing or random testing - 1) it says that your employer doesn't trust you, 2) it is the same as the police searching your home for narcotics with out any reason -- "Well, we have no reason to suspect that you may have drugs in your home - but we are going to search your place anyway - this is just our way of protecting ourselves.. AND INVADING YOUR RIGHT TO PRIVACY! Yes, you can keep your right to privacy and not take the test -- but then you lose the job. Well, I could rant on this forever -- but I seriously doubt anything is ever going to change - my faith in this government is fading rapidly. Military state, here we come.

If your interested in more, check this out.

Movement Needed.

Umk, my low carbin' has been doing great the past three days. I actually haven't felt very hungry and things that used to tempt me.. just haven't. I have been praying so much for the ability to control myself - I think God may have finally blessed me with it because it has been rather easy. I am not really doing Atkins - my diet leans more towards South Beach. But, I don't make myself eat every 3 hours - I just eat when my stomach is hungry.

I need to start working out regularly... so I called up my best friend (which is no where near as big as I am) and asked her if she would consider signing up at the gym with me. She said she would love too. So... we are going to try to go today and sign up. This gym offers a lot of things to do from aerobics classes, swimming, to weight lifting. So, it shouldn't be too hard for me to find something that I like to do. Plus, it is a 24 hour gym. I figure if I can't get away all day to the gym the worst case scenario is that I wait until my husband gets home and then go. But, hopefully my girlfriend will be able to go with me most of the time. Her and I rarely get to spend time together due to her job and my kids. I am hoping that this will be something we can do together and I can look forward to seeing her and talking my heart out.

So, I think for my first month at the gym I am going to make a goal of going 3 times a week for at least 30 mins each time. Next year this time, I wanna be 100 lbs lighter!!

EEK!

My husband came home and told me that his company trip for 2007 is a cruise! It is in February - think I could lose 100 lbs by then..? Ha, just playing.

But, I never go to his Christmas parties or meet his co-workers for the fear of them saying something about my weight. My husband is on the thinner side - but he is pretty average. But, he really likes this company and the peeps he works with... so he wants me to go with him. I would love to go... I am just afraid of having to wear a bathing suit in front of them. It is one thing to wear regular clothing... but a bathing suit!?!

Oh well, one thing I am going to do is lose some weight before hand. This may be the push that I have been asking for.

So, I have roughly 15 weeks until this cruise... I am thinking a goal of 30 pounds is doable. That is 2 lb a week.

I have been doing pretty good the past three days. Been watching my sugar like a hawk - I am actually excited about weighing in on Friday!

Underneath it all.

Well, I would have posted earlier, except for blogger being buggy.

So, thanks for all the comments. I have been trying to focus on my diet, but I have been extremely absent minded lately. My motivation has run astray - and I'm tired of trying to find the booger. But more on that later.

But, in good news I got my first job using my degree ;) I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. I had to undergo 3 interviews to get the position. But, one thing I noticed is, the girls that I will be working closely with are all around my size. (Well they are actually one or two sizes smaller than me, but close enough). But, that made me instantly more comfortable... more at home. The fear of ridicule, fierce judgment and "I am prettier than you - therefore better" competition fled the room. I actually felt like I had a shot at getting the job - since some other members of my family have told me time and time again, "With how big you are - you are going to have a hard time finding a job." How relaxed I became with their physical presence, in return, made me start thinking - when, WHEN I lose weight - are thicker women going to feel uncomfortable around me? Right now, I would like to think that people feel like they can approach me. I hope that in some way I can keep that when I lose weight -- and I'm not referring to male flirtation -- I actually dread that... a lot. But, in the back of my mind I feel like a down to earth mother, but when I lose weight - who will I turn into? A "too good for you" B? An unapproachable hot woman? A "who does she think she is" woman?

I have no idea who I will be 100 lbs lighter. I am afraid of losing it all when I lose these dreaded pounds - my family, my friends, my open mind.... Who am I underneath?

Time to Change.

I have been feeling like such poo lately. I am sick .. AGAIN! I have been really down and depressed... not including stressed. I am just not taking care of myself. But, I don't know sometimes why it is so hard to comprehend that nothing is going to change unless I change. I want to eat healthy.. I do crave it - but I have noticed and so has my husband that I am self destructive. Why, would anyone be that way? Why am I that way? I have no idea... but I know I am. As soon as I start to lose weight - I start eating horribly and gain it all back (plus some). Once I start getting attention - I drop it and run. What am I so scared of? I am not doing anything bad... this is the best thing I could ever do for myself! Has anyone reading this ever felt this way? Anyone know where to start to conquer it?

Any suggestions or comments are appreciated. So, here I go again... starting over. The only reason I keep on trying is because I know it can be done - and I know that all the ladies out here in weight loss blogdom actually understand it.

So, here is my plan. I am going to wipe out all white stuff, no soda, no fast food, I am only going to eat when my stomach growls, I am going to mostly eat fresh food, and I am going to only eat small portions - about the size of my palm - at a time.

So, lets take in another breath and give it another go!

Simple Cure

Hey guys,

Thanks a lot to those who were concerned. I am doing... okay. Just been doing nothing about getting in shape... haven't cared too much about anything. How do you get back on your feet after being knocked down a million times? The first 100 times you still have some strength.. drive to get back up... I am just so tired. I will try to start posting more regularly. Anything to help.

Gott bitte.

It is hard to do anything when you are depressed.

Schokolade Kuchen

Ah, I totally screwed up tonight.

I had 3 pieces of pizza, 2 cokes, and a piece of birthday cake. Doomed! And you know what? It wasn't even really worth it because I feel like crap - I have a headache and I just feel like poo.

So, I thought I would take this time to look ahead as to what I am going to do next week. I know my Monday weigh in -- prolly isn't going to look to good at all...

But for next week I have a couple of goals:
1. Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat get up and walk for 30 mins.
2. Drink 8 oz of water each day
3. Stay below the calorie ceiling of 1800 a day.

I can do that... I will do that.... and I will be excited about it !!1!1!! ;)

Road Trip

I finally did it! I got back to exercising again! I had stopped in late August (I think) and I have finally gotten off my butt and started again... So what I learned from this experience - DON'T STOP! Even if I am ultra lazy and only workout for 10 minutes - I can't quit - because it is harder to start back up than to speed up.

I am taking it really slow. I only walked and it was for about 25 mins. It was close to a mile, if not a mile. I will have to Map My Run.

There is this hill that I climbed... ah, it was a B! My legs felt like they were going to give out and at some points I felt as if I couldn't catch my breath. I want to blog all of this treachery so I can remember how hard it was in the beginning - so then I will have a better understanding of how I have changed. When change is subtle, it is easy to look over things you have accomplished. I am the worlds worst for getting fed up with myself and saying. "I have been doing this for a month now and I haven't seen the slightest change!" So, this will be my proof that I have indeed done something.

My husband was talking to me last night about my struggle with my weight. I told him how fighting it over the past 5 years has really drained me to the point that sometimes I just want to give up. He said, "What have you done in the last five years? You have bounced from one diet to the next - placing unrealistic goals for yourself and when you didn't reach them you got mad and started something else. You were looking for a quick fix. I think now you have finally realized this is going to be something that is slow changing, and something you have to do to benefit yourself - not something you do just to lose weight." And, it dawned on me - that he was right. It was all vanity before. "I want to be skinny again! I want to look pretty again!" Now, I have calmed down. Maybe it is that I am just getting older - but I am starting to see that there is no rush.

I need to slow down and enjoy the road trip. Beep Beep!

Belly Jelly!

After studying the pictures I posted, I noticed that the majority of my weight is in my stomach. That is to be expected with PCOS... in order for me to lose weight I first have to fight this disease. And what really sucks is I gotta figure out how to do it on my own because doctor's are no flipping help at all. I have books and books on PCOS and how it works on making you crazy - so I think I am going to break them out and do a little digging and post the results here to be a daily reminder as to what exactly I am to do to win this war! ...Not just the battle!

Well, I am off to help my family remodel my grandparents place before they get back home from their 7 month RV trip. Maybe I will post some pics to show you the before and after. It is the entire families Christmas present to them - and not to worry, my mother is an interior decorator so she knows how to hook it up! (You should see my place - everyone thinks I am really talented ;) ..but I can't take any credit...

It is done.

Alrighty, I took a huge leap of faith on my part.

I posted up my pics.

Now, let me warn you... these are some of my worst pictures that I have of myself. They are the pictures you see of yourself and your mouth drops open with disgust - your hair raises on your arms... your fingers tremble because they yearn to rip them up into tiny pieces!

They are THAT bad.

But, I figured so-what if someone I know finds them. This is me, and right now I am fat. I can't change it over night - I see it as a trial in my life and I'm climbing the hill as we speak. Every dog has his day. I don't care if people call me a fatass or make rude comments about me - it may hurt for a split second - but I know the truth about myself. I have been blessed with a husband that loves me for me and has supported me through it all - friends that are curt, yet gentle. I know I am not perfect - inside and out. But, I also know I am not worthless. I do have a lot of weight to lose, I am moody as hell, sometimes I snap at people, and sometimes I can be judgmental - but I try to stay aware of my flaws in order to keep them in check. I guess what I am trying to say is, I am not perfect, far from it - but I have figured out how to love myself with all of my flaws... and I am pretty proud of the person I have came to be while treading through the muck.

Now, I am still using my alias - I just like it. But if you really want to know my name - it's Arica - but I prolly won't ever use it on here. I am going to post pics prolly every three months - and hopefully a difference will be seen!

I just wanna say thanks to all the other girls out there that have had the courage to share themselves online for the world to see - you guys have given me the courage to do it too! Oh, and that is my very first avatar ;)

Sickness Galore

Since I have gotten home I have had this awful cold. Now, it is a horrible cough, headache, neckache... it really stinks!

I wanted to start walking this week - but I just haven't had the mustard to get out of bed in the mornings to run. I get out of bed cause I can't sleep and neither can my daughter ... she is even more sick than I am.

I have gotten back on my regular eating plan... thank God! I am ready to feel better. I have set up a Fit Day account to track my food and exercise. My first goal is to lose 20 lbs by Thanksgiving.

Well, this entry is going nowhere fast - my head hurts. I will post next week if not later this week.

Oh, yeah my stats are:

Current Weight: 285, 115 lbs to go!

Home, Sweet Home.

Alrighty, so I am back... and all I got for it was a cold. Ah, I'm just playing - my family was very ready to see me -- and vice versa! I had a lot of fun, but man was I ready to get back home! Not 24 hours from being home I got a head cold from my kids... and boy does it suck. As you can imagine, I didn't care one bit what I ate on my vacation. I did notice the first few days how horrible I felt... I was really ready to get back on my diet. When I eat right, I find that I feel a lot lighter - when I eat horribly - I feel like a whale! So, I came back 8 pounds heavier. Ah, 8 lbs in 1 week!!! I really know how to pack it on! Oh well, I'm not going to get down - just going to get started. I have made a small goal of losing 20 lbs by Thanksgiving. Plus, I am going to start running again next week (hopefully when this dreadful cold is gone). I want to post to my blog once a week with my results - good or bad! So for now, I'm at 288 with 118 lbs to go! If I can be at my goal by Thanksgiving, I will only have 100 lbs to go.. the lower the better!

Caribbean, here I come!

Well, tomorrow morning at 9am I will be off to the Caribbean.

It will be my first time there and my first time on a cruise. I am excited yet, not, because I don't want to leave my family. I'm a SAHM and rarely away from my kids and hubbie. So we will see how it is going to go. I have been getting a lot of bad news lately, so I am hoping this trip will be stress free... to some degree!

Well, the last week has went pretty well as far as my diet is concerned. I am really starting to find myself wanting to eat better... not doing it just because I "have" to. I have no idea how things are going to pan out on the cruise... and I dunno if this is the right mentality or not but... I am not going to worry about it. If I want a sundae - I'm going to eat one.... without binging! I have found that when I tell myself I can have all those times I used to eat... I really don't want them that badly anymore... hopefully that thinking will help me not gain all the weight I have lost back on this vacation.

Well, I am off to clean house... and see what my daughter is destroying! Be back in a week!

Thank you, McyD's

You know, lately I have been feeling pretty good about my diet.

This past Friday I was helping my mom around the house all day (putting in new floors & painting) by the end of the day we were starving. We had planned to go to the grocery store and get some food to make but we got carried away with getting the house finished. By the time we were finished my kids were starving and so were we. So we did the horrible.... we went to McDonalds. I had a double cheeseburger, french fries and a chocolate shake. Can't you tell I was hungry? After I ate the food, I felt like I had a brick in my stomach! Then I noticed that I hadn't felt that way since I started the South Beach Diet. It was like the past month I didn't even have a stomach... but after eating McyD's it came out of hiding... later that night I had indigestion and a horrible headache. I guess you don't realize how bad... fat, sugar, and carbs can make you feel. Let me tell you, it was extremely easy for me to get back on my diet the next day. I didn't realize how eating right makes you feel so much better. Even though, I really screwed up by going to McDonald's - I was able to realize that my diet is slowly becoming a lifestyle change for me. Just knowing that makes me feel even better than seeing the scales go down. Anyone can lose weight, you can starve yourself, go on a liquid diet, eliminate all carbs... but in the end nothing has really changed except the scales... I want more than that - I want to change my life by becoming healthy and hopefully weight loss will become a side effect. But, McDonalds helped me see that I am not really missing out on anything... unless you count indigestion and headaches as a good time.

I wanna run, run so far...

Ah, I haven't been on my meds in about two weeks due to lack of insurance and the scales claim that I have added on 2 lbs. Not to mention, my period started and will not stop... today is my 11th day... ah, I guess you don't realize how much medicine does help until it is gone. My husband reminded me that if I work hard, and get this weight off I won't need that medicine anymore. What a blessing that would be! So, I turned in my towel and ordered my meds... I am just going to have to fork out the money and deal with it!

I have been feeling a little bummed lately. My hormones could have something to do with it... You know, I always get discouraged easily with my weight - it is like I am looking to fail... I guess I am looking for the easy way out. Well, not this time. Thank God for weight loss blogs. When I'm feeling like a failure, I just pop in a read others journal's and shortly later I feel motivated again. Others have accomplished it - you can too!

Well, I was supposed to get out of bed this morning and run... did I? Nope. So I gotta get in the bed so I can get up and go at it in the morning. I feel really lazy and don't want to - but I remind myself of how great it makes me feel to run. You know, I had a dream the other night that I was running, and it was quite easy - and I didn't want to stop! It felt so great! I want that in reality. Instead of eating when I am happy, sad, or anxious I want to run. I know I can do this. I know I am strong enough. I have always considered myself strong. I have been dealt my crap and I have gotten through it all... this I can too get through.

Fabulous Prom Dress

I didn't lose anything this past week. It is prolly due to how horrible I ate... and in combination with it being that time for me. So maybe I did lose a pound and I will see it in my loss next week?!

I started Phase 2 of my diet today. I had a piece of cheese toast with a cup of fruit for breakfast. I am very satisfied. I really screwed up on Phase 1 of the diet - So many times I would try to eat eggs and just gag... I don't really care for them. I was going to push myself to do Phase 1 this week (to make up for how bad I did this last week)- but I just don't think it is a good idea. If I keep screwing up I am afraid that I will get really discouraged and give up. So, I am on Phase 2.

I am going to start my running again this week. I haven't ran in the past two weeks, so who knows, how that is going to go over with my body! I found these past two weeks that I can't have a huge box of fudgesicles in the freezer... just because they are better than ice cream doesn't mean I can eat an entire box of them in a week! So, I have decided I am going to keep sugar free popsicles and jello available and splurge with fudgesicles and chocolate covered strawberries. So this week, I am going to run T,Th, & SA. I am going to run at least a minute at a time to get my body back to where it was before I went on Phase 1. I knew I had quit running when I went to school to pick up my diploma and I was losing my breath walking up the stairs. I can't stand that! So road here I come!

I am going on a cruise in 19 days... my first one ever. My friend is coming with me and she is wearing my old prom dress from 9 years ago for formal night. She looked fabulous in it - but it made me feel down because I used to wear that same size 12 dress and look fabulous... but now I would be lucky to get it past my boobs. Instead I am wearing a size 22 dress, that is plain as hell, and it is good enough to get by in. Ahhh, I can't get upset - it does no good and on top of that my goal is to get back into that dress in time for our Hawaii trip in 2008. I think it can be done ... NO, I KNOW IT CAN BE DONE!!

Screwed.

I totally screwed myself today. I have been so bitchy... but that is in relation to my PMS.

I ended up going to Chickfila and getting a biscuit this morning and a root beer - then I did good I had a salad for lunch -- then I snacked on some Oreo's, Doritos, Cheetos, and Granola bars until dinner - then I ate a bowl of Cheerios. When I do it - I do it good. I get really pissed off at myself for not giving a damn the moment I shove that crap in my mouth. But, I guess no one wants to hear the my verbal abuse to myself... and well frankly neither do I.

My Aunts and Mother are also dieting with me. They have been on the SBD and are doing Phase 1 also... but they haven't screwed up once! I have screwed up so many times it is unbelieveable! Are they stronger than me? Are they going to make it, and I am not? Why don't I have enough will power as them?

It is pretty damn depressing... Do people who do make it to their goals experience these same stumbles? My "All or Nothing" attitude has got to go.

Praying Hard.

Umk, measured myself and I wasn't so disappointed.

My new stats are:

Weight: 280 <5lbs>
Bust: 52" <1">
Waist: 48" --
Hips: 55" <1">

So in 7 days I lost 5 pounds... Of those 7 days only 4 were sugar free. So if I can stick to more sugar free days this week I will have lost more. I want to reach my goal of 275 by next week sometime. Ah, ultimately I want to be in the 60's before I leave for vacation. I'm gonna do what my mom suggested - pray and expect it. You know, this is my health blog - not my religious one, but I can't deny how far God has brought me in this journey. I just pray that I will lose this weight and be fit... or more importantly that I don't screw this up like I have the past million times... or maybe I should just expect it.

Words of a Fat Woman.

Well, I got through my first week on Phase 1. Man has it sucked. I totally bombed the second and third days I was on the diet. I did get back on track and had 3 good days in a row. Not including that fact that I just recently had my birthday and had to pass up any and all cake/ice cream - talk about being ill... I have been as ill as a hornet! I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be glad for all of the hard work I have done....

Sugar withdrawal has been the worst. You might as well slap me in a hospital bed. I am light headed, dizzy, have headaches, and I am mega bitchy. I can not wait to get to Phase 2. Then I won't feel like such a failure! Today, I slipped up and ate 1 biscuit my son didn't eat and then I had some vanilla wafers my daughter was eating... I have noticed that I always bomb around the kids... "Well, I can't just throw it away!". Words of a fat woman.

Ah, hopefully tomorrow morning when I weigh in I will post in a better mood.

Past Due.

Alrighty, here is another one of my attempts to get back on track. I have been eating horribly and not running like I had been the past month. Today is a new start - I am starting the South Beach Diet. I have been reading a lot about PCOS and diets and the SBD might just work for me and my PCOS. I am going to walk and do some strength training this week... gonna take it easy. I will beef up to my 13 week running schedule when I enter Phase 2 and can eat carbs again. My first goal is to get to 250 by Christmas. (-38 lbs) I don't want to go to my husband's Christmas party looking like a 288 pounder. I know in the next two weeks I am gonna feel like crap - major sugar withdrawal. So I am prolly gonna get on here and bitch and moan... but isn't that what it is all about?

So here are my boasting stats:

Weight: 288
Bust: 53"
Waist: 48"
Hips: 56"

Hopefully soon I will get some of my pics posted. Til then you will have to suffer MVM shots.

No, not the Froot Loops!

Man have I been lazy. I didn't run the past 3 days... I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed... and the scary thing is that I didn't feel bad about it either. I really, really don't want to stop - running and diet are the only hope I have to losing this weight. But not only losing the weight - but most importantly changing. I really want to change. I want to eat right - and take care of myself. Since May I have been concentrating on taking care of myself. I have really started to notice how I am getting older and my body isn't able to do the things I once could. That is mostly due to my lack of concern for myself - but that all has to change. Even though I am still young - I am not 16 anymore. I can't skip one meal and lose weight. I can't eat donuts for breakfast and pizza for dinner and maintain. Ah, the life I used to have was so very much carefree. Oh, well....

Speaking of diet, I have got to get a hold on mine. Yesterday, I had 4; yes 4, bowls of Froot Loops, 1 slice of pizza, 2 breadsticks, and 1 cup of peanut butter cookie dough ice cream. Man, that is embarrassing! Not only that, I forgot to take my metformin all day - my body is prolly reeling from it all! So, in order to get myself in line - I have been researching what a girl with PCOS should eat. I have had one doctor recommend SugarBusters, and another Atkins. Well, Atkins and I just don't mix - and SugarBusters honestly doesn't appeal to me. The Low GI looks like it would work - but it is a little complicated for me. However, the SouthBeach looks interesting and somewhat simple. Simplicity is the key for me. So I ordered the book off of Amazon for $3 and I am awaiting its arrival.

Oh, I pray that I can stick to something and change my life.

Carl, Look Alive!

Well, after much convincing I got myself out of bed and did my run. I was pretty lazy this morning, didn't push myself much at all. I jogged in one minute intervals, three times. I have noticed some changes - I don't huff n puff walking up the street. I used to have to stop to catch my breath - now I just get a little winded and it passes quickly. So if nothing else, I am getting in better shape even though my stats haven't changed that much... and that is nice. It is so embarrassing to go somewhere and people see you having to stop and catch your breath. Anyways, last night I was reading some inspiring blogs from other women who are fighting the bulge. That is the entire reason why I am doing this - to be an inspiration to anyone out there who feels hopeless. I know it can be done - you just have to find the shirt that fits. Those blogs really help me remember that I can do it - and I'm on the right track. So after reading last night, I think I am going to give myself 3 month goals until I reach my target weight. I need to start tweaking my diet and in three months I should start to see some results - plus feel better. I can't wait to feel better! I can't wait to have more energy, and to look and feel alive!

Gonna make you sweat.

Well, today was supposed to be a rest day - but I exchanged it with yesterday. I got up this morning - it was pretty hard to pull myself out of bed...and it was hard for me to get started running (which is a first). My workout totaled roughly 30 minutes. I ran for 1 & 1/2 minutes then 1 minute, and finally 1/2 minute. By the time I was finished I was poring with sweat - I haven't sweat that much in awhile. I dunno what that means - if I am working harder or it is just hotter outside. It was about 78-80 degrees, which is the usual.

Anyways, I got another beginner running book. I can't wait for it to get here! The "Jog, Run, Race" by Joe Henderson is good but I still can't meet the first goal. He wants you to run 3 minutes straight and I can't get past 2 minutes. So I searched for something that is for extreme beginners and I found a book highly recommended on Amazon. I chose it because there were reviews of people who were 85 pounds overweight and had never ran a day in their lives and now after finishing the book's program were going to run their first 5K & 10K. Man, wouldn't that be awesome!?! I want to be able to run that - I wanna be a runner! Well, I can't remember the name of the book but I will post it as soon as I get it.

Well, I guess that is it for today. I am really worn out - gonna go now - be back tomorrow!

I choose POWERFUL!

Alright, so I haven't written in awhile... but I haven't stopped running.

I have ran the last two weeks that I have been gone. My legs were hurting pretty badly and I finally asked the doctor (yes, the cute one) what was going on. He said I needed some arch support - so I took his advice and went to the store and got me some Dr. Scholl's. To my surprise, they worked really well. My legs did burn, but nowhere near as bad as before. I was actually able to run 2 minutes! Gosh, I know 2 minutes sounds so novice - and I am. I hate being a newbie at anything. Hopefully, it won't last for long.

Anyways, back to the important stuff. Today was my one-month weigh & measure. I am pretty proud of myself for keeping with it for one-month - it is hard for me to stick to anything. But, I'm trying to change that.

So here are my stats:
Weight: 280 --> 283.8
Pulse Rate: 58 --> 70 (I'm not sure if I recorded the first figure correctly)
Bust: 52" --> 50" (-2!)
Waist: 50" --> 48" (-2!)
Hips: 56" --> 56" (0)

So I lost 2 inches on my bust and waist. My waist is where most people said they saw a change. Of course it is going to take awhile to get rid of my hips.. the one thing that I really want to lose! But, at first I was really disappointed - it doesn't seem like I have changed much for all the work I have done. Am I overreacting? I have no idea - I don't know what to expect - except I have friends who lost something like 15 pounds the first month they started working out. But I can't compare myself to them because it will only make me even more depressed. I am hoping that the 3.8 pounds is muscle mass. I do really have to start working on my diet. That is the toughest part for me - weaning myself off of sugar. Ahhh, I just can't pressure myself too much to change at once because I will buckle and fall back into my old routine. So I am just going to keep running into my 2nd month and try to change my eating as I go. I recently read this book and I found a quote that really motivated me. I am going to use it when I get depressed that things aren't working out and I want to quit.

"You can be pitiful or you can be powerful. The choice is up to you." Joyce Meyer

Little Black Dress

Well, I am feeling really good this morning. First of all, I got myself out of bed on a Sunday morning and it wasn't very hard. It is getting easier to get out of bed and run - all I have to do is think of myself wearing this cute hat I bought and looking good in it - and secondly thinking how bad I will feel all day knowing I didn't run that morning. I don't want to stop! I hope this feeling lasts forever! The only thing that stinks is my calves are really keeping me from getting the workout I would like to get - but right now I keep thinking "something is better than nothing". I don't know why my legs hurt so badly - it is really frustrating. Today I could only jog a total of 2:15. I don't know if I am crazy (prolly) but I am noticing a decrease in the size of my waist. Can it happen that quickly - I dunno. Oh well, whether true or not it keeps me going thinking about my jeans losing up. I want to get my scales and tape down and see if I have gotten anywhere - but I am not going to let myself until July 16th. I gotta keep that promise. Plus, that too helps me because I want to see those numbers really drop when I do finally measure & weigh. I really hope I can take some inches off before I go on my cruise. I bought a formal dress - long black strappy dress. It looks okay - doable for now. But, if I lost some inches it would look a lot better. I am really thinking about taking some workout clothes and running while on the cruise. If I keep it up by then I know I will have to run - it won't be a question if I want to or not. Gosh, I can't wait to get there - I have always dreamed of being a runner! I really want to be able to do a 5K race within a year - year and half at most. So December 2007 hopefully I will be able to tackle one. Well, I need to shower and get some R&R before my kids wake up.

Yes, Doctor.

I'm starting to slack off I know... But I am trying not to.

Well Tuesday I didn't get up and workout - instead I took my kids swimming with some friends. I didn't have anyone to put sunscreen on my back, and to make it short, it got fried! I felt like I had the flu all day thereafter. But luckily on Wednesday I felt well enough to get up and do my run. And I did get up this morning too. I have been letting myself sleep in until 7:30 and it is already horribly hot by that point. I have got to get my butt up earlier.

The past two runs I have noticed that my calves start to burn really bad and I have to stop to get the pain to go away. I am not so sure why, I haven't beefed my run hardly at all yet. It stinks because I'm not even worn out when I have to stop - I can still talk, so I know I'm not pushing my heart too hard. But when my legs hurt I have to stop and walk it out and it fades enough to try and jog again. I haven't even been able to jog 2 minutes straight with my calves acting up. I prolly need to go to the doctor - but my doctor is only 5 years older than I am, he is cute, he flirts, and he is single - but all I do is get nervous - I'm fat with a fuzzy chin, acne, skin tabs, and we are talking 100+ lbs fat - boy do I feel like a loser sometimes. If I didn't feel like such a whale I would prolly have fun and flirt back - nothing more cause I love my hubby very much. But damn if it wouldn't feel good to know that someone else thinks I am attractive. I want to have that feeling again. I want to feel like a woman, feel feminine, attractive...

Sometimes I get really discouraged and feel like I am never going to be able to change. Today I did nothing but eat, and it was processed shit on top of that. (sorry for the cursing - I usually don't but I am letting my fingers go with my thoughts) I ate 3, yes 3 Little Debbies. Damn Little Debbie - I can't resist her! Then I had two of my sons brownies that I don't actually really care for - why did I eat them? I dunno, but I did. I know that all of this jogging isn't going to do me any good if I keep eating like this. But I don't know how to stop myself. Sometimes I feel like I have put so much thought, effort, and energy into losing weight that I don't want to worry about it anymore. But I know if I don't worry about it and try to change I am going to get diabetes, heart disease, and die young. And I don't want to die feeling like I do about myself right now. Gosh, how embarrassing would it be -- they would need 15 pallbearers to lift my ass.

Humm... sorry for the vent - I just pray to God I am moving forward because I have no idea even where I am.

75 days

Well, there are 75 days until my cruise. I have a goal of getting to 240 by then. I dunno if that is out of this world or reachable but I'm gonna give it my best and see where I end up. I measured and weighed myself and I'm putting my scales and tape up until July 16th. (Current Stats: 280, B52, W48, & H55.) I found myself weighing every morning and when I see my weight go up I get really discouraged - even though I shouldn't. So, now I am going to make myself wait a month - plus it gives me motivation this month to really work to see those numbers plummet. So for the 16th I would like to see the scales at 264 - that is 4 lbs a week. If I could get to 240 by the cruise I could wear some of my old 20 & 22 clothes. Gosh, that would be nice. I have a butt load of clothes in my closet that are too small for me that I have folded and put on the top of my shelves. It would be such a blessing to be able to wear some of them on the cruise... or period.

I did get up this morning and run. I got outside around 7am. The run is getting a lot easier. My right leg still began to hurt though - but not as bad as last time. My friend told me I needed to get some cross trainer shoes - so I just might do that. This morning I was outside a total of 36 minutes. I warmed up for 10 minutes then I started jogging 30 seconds and walking 30 seconds. After my 30/30 I went to 60/60 until it was time to warm down. While I was jogging I would have a desire to push myself until it hurt - but in the book I am reading it advises against that. When I don't wear myself out to the point of passing out I don't feel like I have really accomplished anything. But I am putting my trust in this author and taking it easy. I jog until it starts to hurt - either my leg or chest. I just pray to God I am doing this right.

Fatty McGee

Yesterday was a rest day... and that it was - I sat on my ass all day and did nothing. But my leg did start feeling better. I got up this morning at 7am - thanks to my daugther - and got outside and did my run. My legs were buring really bad, so bad that I couldn't run as much as usual. My endurance has definitly increased, but I am not sure what is going on with my legs. Gonna have to google it. I have felt like I didn't run for a week - it was kinda like going through withdrawal. I wanted to go out really bad last night and run but my husband told me to chill out - and he is prolly right I know my body needed it - but my mind wanted something else. But isn't that always the case?

Mexican Delight.

Man my leg is hurting. Today's run wasn't so hard - I found that I had much more endurance, but my right leg has a sharp pain next to my kneecap. I was going along fine and it just became worse so I had to walk it off. I'm not sure what is up with it - I do stretch before I go out and I walk 10 minutes before I start to jog. I'll have to go see if I can find anything on it. But like I said it was much easier today - so maybe I am making progress! I just have to watch what I am eating. Yesterday was better - but for dinner I had Mexican (my favorite)! I know that isn't good for me! Beef burrito with lettuce, sour cream, queso cheese, rice, beans and chips! AH!!! Oh well, can't cry over spilled milk. Just gotta try harder today. Well, I am off to shower - and think happy thoughts that don't include ice cream!

Sweaty Goodness.

Okay, got up this morning -- not at 6:30 but at 8:00 instead. I did get my tail outside to run though! I did my 3 one minute jogs within my workout. I'm still sweating even after a cold shower... but at least I know that I did something right. Now I just have to watch my carb intake. I felt really clumsy outside this morning. It is really hard to pick myself up and jog - I'm guessing it is because I am so heavy. Oh well, I can't let it stop me. I often wonder about those people you hear about who lose 100+ pounds... how did they feel when they first started? What kept them going? I dunno - but I sure pray that I have it in me! I was thinking about posting each day something that I want to remind myself of to keep myself on track.. today I want to think of how I want my jeans to be losoe. Loose jeans. loose jeans... loose jeans...

Horrible. Just Horrible.

Well today I didn't get up at 6:30 to do my rest activity. Instead I slept in until 8:30 and got up and took on the whole day without a nap. Yeah, I said nap. I have gotten into a horrible routine of napping while my kids are napping. So now along with some other things I am trying to break the habit. On top of not getting up on time I haven't eaten very well at all today. I was fine until lunchtime came around. I ate a sandwich, had a Mr. Pibb and 3 Oreo's. To top the day off I ate French toast for dinner. Very sad I know. But, tomorrow I will get up at 6:30 run my 3o minutes and try harder to stick to low carbin'. Gotta remind myself of all those things I can't stand... I'll be back tomorrow morning after my run.

Worn Out.

Okay I just got finished with my first run. I was suposed to jog 3 minutes straight - I only got 2 in. I warmed up for 10 minutes walking then I jogged 30 seconds and then walked 30 seconds (repeated). After that I tried to jog my 3 minutes then I warmed down for another 5 minutes. I am sweating like a hog. I think for being so out of shape that I did pretty well. I didn't get up at 6:30 like I was suposed to - instead I got out there at 7am.. not really sure what got me out of bed - I just got up. While I was out there I felt really stupid - I'm huge and trying to run but I keep reminding myself that it will feel akward at first. No runner is a professional their first time. I think deep down that is my real goal - to become a true runner. Now I remember what got me out of bed... thinking of all those things I want to change. See this blog is already helping me out. Well, I am off to shower, weigh & measure!

So why am I doing this?

I'm giving up my daily Root Beer... now why is that? Well, I wanna remind myself of why this is all gonna be worth it.

So once again here we go:
I want to... wear my old clothes, walk up stairs without losing my breath, have the energy to play with my kids, quit taking naps, look forward to shopping again, have energy to be social again, no more bruised hips from coach seating, be able to get up off the floor without help, not break anymore toilet seats, not have my family remind me constantly of how overweight I am, like how I look in pictures, wear my victoria secret underwear again, wear heels again, feel young, no more tight pants, no more women's clothes, no more "blah" clothes, grab some eyes again, make my husband proud, get my tummy tuck, wear a bathing suit and love it, show off my legs again, lose my fat fingers, lose my rolls, get rid of my self consciousness, be able to bend straight over, cross my legs, wear watches and necklaces again, not have my husband monitor everything that goes in my mouth, not feel uncomfortable in social situations, forget about what others think of how I look, not sweat all the time, lose the double chin, not be the fattest amongst my friends, hear my son tell me I am thin, hear my husband tell me I look hot again, not be a woman who gives up on her potential beauty, not be scared of having a heart attack, not be embarrassed by the scale at the doctor's office, quit taking all of my medicines, have family tell me "I can see you have lost a little weight" trying to make me feel better, be healthy, have control over my responses to my emotions, and my mouth, I want to run and feel great, I want to know that I am doing the best that I can do.

So how I am going to start this?
Well tomorrow morning I am going to get up at 6:30 and go out side and jog for 30 minutes. I am following Joe Henderson's "Jog, Run, Race" training schedule. But if I am really pooped I told myself my goal is to get up every morning and at least walk for 30 minutes. (I'm really out of shape so that will prolly happen) I would like to lose 8 pounds by July 9th. And I want to drink my 8 glasses of water a day.
So to recap it all:

1. Get up every morning and workout for 30 mins
2. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
3. Lose 8 pounds in 1 month.
   

I don't think that is so bad.. I don't want to try to change too much at once. Well, I am off to bed and I will post my run results tomorrow. Gut Nache to all.

Here we go.

I'm a 20 something woman with PCOS. I found many other women logging their struggles and it has helped me out so much knowing that others are experiencing the same difficulties as I am. In return I wanted to do the same, so here I am. I basically am going to use this journal to log my personal struggle with changing my lifestyle. I am going to make myself be extremely curt and lay it all out - it should help me vent and motivate me to strive to make things better. When I say make things better I want to eliminate my fussy chin, large stomach, acne, mood swings, anxiety, fatigue, dark skin patches, male pattern baldness, and my low self esteem. I want to feel like a woman again! I know in order to start feeling better I have to lose the weight that my PCOS has helped me gain. Eight years, two children and PCOS have led me to gain 120 pounds. I know it is horrible!!! I can't complain about having children, many of my friends with PCOS cannot conceive - so I am thankful for them. But I have to get this weight off - to feel better and to keep myself here as long as I can for my family and mostly for myself. So here we go.