I'm alive!

... and still fat!

Ha!

Listen guys - I dunno who, or how many people read this but I am taking it all off! NO more sugar coating or beating around the bush. I am tired of being a fat-ass and if I don't do something about it in 2008 - it just isn't gonna get done!

I have been lazy. I have been avoiding change. Losing weight is gonna suck. Telling myself NO is gonna suck - working out isn't always gonna be fun! I am so prideful that I have kept myself from fighting the fight to dodge a chance of failure.

Lets cut the crap. If I want to be thin - I'm gonna have to make some big ass sacrifices.

So, lets friggin' do it already!

-1 lb, 9 To Go

I actually went from 259.0 to 258.8 so it isn't really a pound but on this blog I usually don't get that specific.

I can already feel the pull of the holidays creeping up.

Eggnog...

Gonna have to make a game plan soon.

I rethought some things and I changed my current goal to 249. I just want to get out of the 50's! I have been in them since May! Ridiculous!

-0 lb, 20 To Go

Well, after all of my days of not logging my food and eating Halloween candy like it is going out of style; I am surprised that I maintained.

But, on to a new week with better choices!

-??, ?? To Go

I didn't weigh in this week. I didn't get up in time to go to my Weight Watchers meeting... I was really upset cause going helps me stay focused. This past weekend has been a huge challenge. But, I made a menu for the next week, starting tomorrow, so this week should be a healthy one.

Jamaican Steak, Cauliflower Pasta with portabella mushrooms, Chili Mac, and Honey Grilled Pork Chops are just some of my dinner options. I haven't tried any of these recipes so I will let you guys know how well they taste.

I am hoping for my next weigh in to be as close to 255 as possible... here's to hoping! Be back Thursday!

New Discoveries!

Hey guys,

As you may know I am a huge sugar freak... Well, I have needed to curb my sugar intake but not deny myself sugar - so I went to Wal-Mart and found some really good, small sugar treats that won't kill you on points/calories.

Here they are:

1.) Entenmann's Little Bites 100 Calorie Packs Brownies (2 pts)

I am eating these as I type and they are very chocolaty! If you need chocolate there is a lot of taste in this small serving! 4 stars!

2.) Mrs. Smiths Heavenly 100 Calorie Apple Crisp (2 pts)

These were pretty good. There was more apples than crisp - but I guess that is to be expected when you are only inhaling 100 calories. Next time I think I am going to add this on top of some no sugar added vanilla ice cream! If you like apple pie I would try it.

3.) Keebler Mini Graham Cracker Pie Crusts (3 pts)

I love to get low fat sweetened condensed milk and fresh lemon juice and dump it into a graham cracker crust and refrigerate it. It is very quick, smooth, cold, and tangy. One pie is usually around 55 points and I love it so much most of the time I can't trust my portion sizes when it is residing in my fridge. So, I found these small crusts and I am going to make mini pies and freeze them. When I feel like having one I will throw it into the fridge to thaw and later indulge. This way I can get what I want but not commit a kamikaze. Hopefully, when said and done the minis will be around 8 points each.

4.) Betty Crocker's Warm Delight Minis 150 Calories (3 pts)

I haven't tried this dessert yet, but it looks enticing! I got the Chocolate Molten Cake. I am a sucker for cakes, cupcakes, or any type of pastry. This is quick, and hopefully good and it reminds me of something I would get for dessert dining out. I hope it is good!

5.) Smart Ones Desserts (3 - 4 pts)

I have tried the Chocolate Chip Sundae, and Key Lime Pie. I bought the Strawberry Short Cake but haven't tried it yet. The others are great though! They taste wonderful and put an end to your sugar cravings! The only problem I have is only eating one - but as long as I know I can have one tomorrow too, it is easier.

- 2 lb, 24 To Go

Well, there has to be a God because there is no other way I could have possibly lost weight this week! I ate horribly!

Oh well, I really want to be healthy more that I care about losing weight so - I have been failing miserably.

I can do this -- I know I can -- I just gotta make up my mind.

That fat person in the mirror...

I went to see my trainer this morning. After we were finished she took me to a step aerobics class - she keeps urging more different types of cardio through out the week.

So, I got my bench and started the class... it was quite embarrassing because I didn't know any of the moves and I have no balance what so ever... but I was still okay laughing at myself and giving it my all.

Then it all changed when I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. Who the hell was that fat chick? I was the biggest person in the class and every part of me was jiggling.

At that moment all of my glory from losing 30 lbs was lost. My self image doesn't match at all with the reality of myself. I always think, "Yeah, I'm overweight - but it isn't that bad..." Well, today it hit me - I am that bad. I am huge...and sad. After class I came home and ate 1/2 pie and a large coke.

I'm pretty down.

Even though my mind knows that feeling self pity isn't the right option - it is being a bitch trying to shake it off.

What is it going to take for me to get serious?

- 2 LB, 86 To Go

Well, I actually didn't do so well this week and I still lost.

Yesterday, I ate 4 Weight Watchers desserts in a row totaling 14 points in all! I guess I just can't have lots of desserts on hand until I get a hold of my sugar cravings. I haven't binged liked that in awhile. It just goes to show that your old habits are easy to come by... unfortunately!

And Deb, I do really like Weight Watchers. I love going to the meetings. We all talk about what has been difficult, and how some members have found ways through those times. It is nice to be in a room filled with people who want the same things as you and the fact that you all can relate to one another. It honestly does help me... a lot. I can see my self easily succeeding following the Weight Watchers guidelines. If you have anymore questions just ask me!

Well, my 2 year old and 4 month old puppy are destroying my house so I better go. Be back next week!

Ctr+Alt+Del

Crap, I screwed up.

I completely fell off the band wagon and gained some pounds. In order to not gain everything back, I decided to dish out the money and start attending the Weight Watchers meetings again.

This past Thursday I joined. Fully clothed I weighed in at 263. :(

It is so hard to stay focused. It isn't eating better, or working out that make it difficult to lose weight - its the consistency that you must maintain. You have to maintain the change.

I have to MAINTAIN the CHANGE.

It even sounds hard... Am I the only one out here that is having such a hard time changing?

Please share your thoughts with me! I'm not alone right?!?

- 3 LB, 81 To Go

Alrighty! I got right back on track after my vacations - I am ready to get out of the 50's! I haven't been in the 40's since... 2002!

I did really well this past week except for yesterday. I had a meeting to go to in the AM and all they had were donuts and apple juice - so I had 1, yes I promise only 1, donut then some juice. Then I got a latte on the way home... um pumpkin spice! I don't even think I had lunch - then I ordered pizza for dinner because I was too lazy to cook. Yep, yesterday was a bad day... but today won't be!

The fall time is where I start to munch a lot more than usual - so I gotta watch myself. I love anything pumpkin. I did find a low fat pumpkin bread recipe from
Kraft Foods if anyone is interested. I am going to make it for sure!

Layered Pumpkin Loaf

Prep Time: 20 min
Total Time: 1 hr 25 min
Makes: 1 loaf or 16 servings, one slice each

1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup plus 2 Tbsp. granulated sugar, divided
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
4 egg whites, divided
1/2 cup fat-free milk
1/4 cup canola oil
2 cups flour
2-1/2 tsp. CALUMET Baking Powder
2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1/4 tsp. salt
1 pkg. (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Neufchatel Cheese, 1/3 Less Fat than Cream Cheese, softened

PREHEAT oven to 350ºF. Grease a nonstick 9x5-inch loaf pan; set aside. Mix pumpkin, 1 cup granulated sugar, the brown sugar, 3 of the egg whites, milk and oil in large bowl. Add flour, baking powder, pie spice and salt; stir just until moistened. Set aside. Beat Neufchatel cheese, remaining 2 Tbsp. granulated sugar and the remaining egg white with wire whisk until well blended.
SPOON half of the pumpkin batter into prepared pan; spoon Neufchatel cheese mixture evenly over the batter. Cover with remaining pumpkin batter.
BAKE 1 hour to 1 hour 5 min. or until wooden toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Run knife or thin spatula around edges of pan to loosen bread; cool in pan on wire rack 10 min. Remove bread from pan to wire rack; cool completely.

* 5 points per serving.

Enjoy!

+4, 84 LB To Go

Hey guys....

Well, I have been on vacation for the past 2 weeks. It has been fun but I am ready to get back into my old routine!

The first week my husband and I went to Seattle. Man, what a beautiful city! We enjoyed it so much that we have been playing with the idea of relocating there... but that is another story. While we were there we walked everywhere and we were so busy doing things that eating was sparse. So, I actually ended up losing a pound that week without even trying.

But last week we went to the beach with my husband's family... that week was horrible with a capital H!! I ate sooooo badly, and I only did some type of physical fitness 1 day out of 7! So, I deserve the 4 lb gain.

I asked my husband when he thought I would be able to be in a situation when everyone around me is eating horribly and I will still be strong enough to make good food choices....? I was trying so hard to pump myself up about this trip .... I was going to eat right regardless of what was in the fridge ... I had even brought some healthy snacks .... but when I was there I fell into temptation and ate like the rest of the skinny folk....

That is going to be a day to remember.. when I don't follow the band wagon.

I hope everyone is having a good summer -- gonna go read up on every one's news -- thanks for checking up on me Abba!

+1 LB, 81 To Go

Ah... well I am on my cycle so I am hoping that is all the gain is...

I did measure myself and I have lost another inch on my waist and 1/2 inch on my hips...


You ever have those days where you get depressed thinking that you are just spinning your wheels? That is how I am feeling today...

Better mood next time...

- 3 LB, 80 To Go!!! 1st Goal Met!

Ah, it is finally here! I have reached my 1st goal!!! This is my all time new lowest :)

I get excited knowing that once I get to 248, I will have lost 40 LBS! That number just sounds really big!

This past week I have worked out a little -- been hectic with the kids going to school and the new puppy - I have been twice this week... I lowered my points by 5 pts to get through my plateau and it seems to have worked! At first it was hard because at night I would go to bed hungry - but now it isn't so bad. It think that is the hardest part - going through the pain of getting your stomach to shrink - cause your body will make you think you are starving!

It has been so hot that I haven't had any problems getting my water in. Too, being hot makes me lose some of my appetite. In the winter I gain two appetites!

-1 LB, 83 To Go

I celebrated my birthday this past weekend and did really well with my cake. The majority of the cake was sent home with me and I had a nice size piece then threw the rest away! Felt pretty nice to be able to get rid of it!

My hormones have been running wild and I have been battling ups and downs and emotional eating. I went to the grocery store and got healthy stuff so I just have to watch how much I eat.

My husband got me a puppy for my birthday and I am pretty excited about being more motivated to be physically active while NOT at the gym. I would love to go on daily walks with her.

School started back for my kids and I am feeling rejuvenated to get healthy! I never fully let go of my healthier lifestyle but I do get in ruts where I forget what I am trying to accomplish and go haywire on sweets! I really beat myself up when I stray from the track but reading others success stories helps remind me that this journey is long and hard and I gotta be steadfast...

- 3 LB, 84 To Go

Well, finally I am getting back to the lowest point I have been!

This time I want to never go back to the 60's. So, I'm gonna have to focus on breaking through the 50's. I am not surprised that 260ish has been a plateau for me. That is how much I weighed before I had my second child - so I think it is a comfortable spot for my body.

I have lowered my daily points value by 5 points to get through this plateau. So, I think it is working.

I'm still trucking it at the gym. This week I have made it Monday and Thursday so I am gonna have to make myself go tomorrow to get at least 3x in.

As a family we have decided that we are ready for a dog. Been looking - going tomorrow... I hope that having a dog might egg me on to be a little more active with my kids - the only exercise I get is at the gym... it would be nice to have mandatory walks together.

Well, if I can just break through these last 4 pounds I will have made my first goal!

-0 LB, 87 To Go

Well, no change this week. I did really well this week except for the cake fiasco. But, I did start my period this week - I have been having it every 2 weeks so hopefully my meds will kick in soon!

So, I get discouraged because I have been hovering at 260 for 3 months now - but if I keep on kicking it the weight has got to fall off sometime soon right?

I feel like my body is changing - but the scale and measuring tape say otherwise. My husband even said that for the first time in a long time he is starting to see my waist. My waist to hips ratio is rather scary - I look like a box!

Well, no matter how long it takes my body to decide to let it go - I'm not gonna give up - this is all I have towards a happier and healthier me.

Ummm... Cake!

After having a great couple of days with handling my diet - I went and fudged it up today.

I had my healthy cereal this morning and jumped on the road with the kids - we had tons of errands. By the time I could think about eating I was at the grocery store... and I lost to the fattie in me and bought a small cake.

Ummmm... cake is such a weakness for me -- why would I even let myself buy one!?! So, we got home - I fed the kids and put them down for a nap - then I had a piece of cake - then later I had another piece for a "snack"... then another piece for dinner -- well you get the point - by the time I put the kids in the bed I looked at the cake and realized I had eaten half of it completely by myself!!!

AH - the HORROR!

The worst thing about it is that I did all of this eating almost unconsciously. It didn't even occur to me that I was 1) eating fattening cake and 2) a lot of it! Whenever I screw up badly my brain exits and my body goes nuts!

Well, my brain is back and in control - gonna go to the gym tomorrow and eat right - and get back on this buck-o!

-1 LB, 87 To Go

I just got back from the gym... doing my good ole hour and half workout. I always feel on top of the world after I workout - I faintly see the light at the end of the tunnel!

There was this girl working out next to me, she was very fit and pretty. I have never seen someone get hit on as much as her! Young guys, old guys you name it!

Anyways, my success on Weight Watchers has given my dad some motivation to try it. He has already lost 20 lbs! He wants to lose about the same amount as I do - so maybe we can do it together.

Today has been a wonderful day for my diet. I wish all days were like this! I have eaten good wholesome foods within my point range and I haven't been crazy for any type of junk food that is in my pantry. My husband has Double Stuffed Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, the kids have pretzels and nacho chips... all things I could go crazy on! But today the Lord has blessed me with ability to say NO!

Well I am rambling -- I hope everyone has great results this week, and a good, HEALTHY weekend!

-1 LB, 88 To Go

Well, I didn't do half of what I said I would do while on vacation. I didn't exercise at all, and by the time Thursday night rolled around I was eating 4-5 pieces of cookie cake and washing it down with some Coke.

But, by Saturday morning I was so ready to get back to my normal eating habits - I felt bloated and nauseous. Needless to say, it hasn't been hard at all to move back to where I was, I actually wanted to!

So, I didn't accomplish my goals of sticking to eating healthy or exercising while on vacation but one thing I have learned is that the changes I have made are starting to become my lifestyle and that is the larger accomplishment that matters the most.

- 1 LB, 89 To Go

Well, slowly but surely...

I have found a new lunch that is pretty tasty. I get a whole wheat tortilla and spread some Naturally More Peanut Butter on it and layer it with a sliced banana. It is really fulfilling - plus the peanut butter has flax seed in it which is good for you.

Next week I go on vacation to the mountains. My food choices are going to be a challenge. The rest of my family has quit trying to lose weight - so the healthy food choices won't be so abundant. So, I am going to have to think ahead and prepare meals just for myself. It is a lot harder to change alone - but I don't want this to be yet another failed attempt. For exercise I plan on hiking trails and doing lunges, sit ups, push ups - stuff like that everyday.

I hope everyone has a great week - and if you live in the States a great holiday! Be back on the 8th!

-1 LB, 90 To Go

Well, I guess that is some good news huh?

I have been working out religiously and trying to eat healthier choices. I have loved how in control working out makes me feel, and I tried out a kickboxing class and really enjoyed it! I looked like a fool - but I just laughed at myself and kept going, at least I am trying! The kickboxing instructor had so much energy and was so excited, now granted I know she isn't like that all the time - but I NEVER feel like that and I crave it. My husband always tells me that if you want to be better you gotta hang out with people who challenge you. Getting physically fit is a huge challenge - but one I want dearly.

My trainer has been showing me how simple moves can really work your muscles. I dunno I guess it kinda hit me that you don't have to be a genius to get fit you just have to move and keep moving.

My trainer was talking to me about nutrition. She asked me what I had problems with in my diet and I told her that I eat too much processed food that I have around for the kids and not enough whole grains, veggies etc. She said, "...you can't have Oreo's in the house - they do nothing for your body whatsoever..." I dunno why it has taken so long but a bell went off in my head. If I want to have a good looking body that responds then I gotta spend the extra money on the premium gasoline. I mean seriously how many hot models do you see with Oreo's, Little Debbies, and Cokes in their fridges? You can't have beautiful skin, radiant hair, polished nails feeding your body corn syrup and preservatives.

Now, there are some women who can eat junk and still look hot. I know a few - but they all have acne, run tired and out of breath easily. If I could be thin and hot without effort but feel the same as I do now, would I want that over working hard but resulting with a beautiful body, mind, spirit?

I think for the first time in my life I don't want to take the easy route. I'm changing slowly but surely...

+ 6 LB, 91 To Go

Gosh, I am really frustrated.

All last week I met with my trainer and she worked my butt out. This week I am on my own - which I know I will be fine. The huge gain is such a depressing thing to see. I am so discouraged.

I am not really sure why I have had such a huge gain. I know that you gain when you first start doing weights - but 6 lbs? Secondly, I have been off my meds for about 3 weeks now - mostly due to the insurance company taking their sweet time to get my enrollment info to me. So, I could be gaining because I have been without my metformin. Being without my wellbutrin hasn't been easy either. I have been a real capital "B" lately.... I hate that.

So, anyways - I am determined NOT to quit - this will happen! I have to just keep telling myself that set backs are going to happen on this never ending journey.

Possibly A New Chapter

OK, as everyone knows I have been doing horribly lately. But I got off my rear and called a local personal trainer and had my first session yesterday. I ended up fainting - so we all know I was actually doing some progress - just maybe a little too much at once! :)

But, after hitting my first plateau I found myself slowly creeping back towards my old habits. I am serious about change so I did what I have been really terrified to do - experience a REAL workout - with the discomfort included. I am so lazy...I want to workout but not be inconvenienced. I have been working out since December and I have loved it. But, my workouts were all cardio and the worst that happened was I lost my breath and got really sweaty. Yesterday we didn't do one thing cardio - all resistance training.... You aren't moving fast but man it is hard! It kicks your butt hardcore! Simple push ups, sit ups, squats.... My muscles were shaking about 2 mins into it. But, I am learning what I have to do to get the results I want.

I go back this afternoon for another assessment - and even though I am really sore I am excited.

+2, 85 To Go

Argh. I have been doing terribly lately. I haven't been tracking what I eat and I'm having a horrible time controlling my urges to overeat. Portion sizes, portion sizes!

Every time I have tried to change the way I eat after about 3 months I find myself sabotaging the success I have made. Why? I dunno... I get comfortable and start slipping back into my old ways. But I want this time to be different - I want to keep trucking through. I WANT TO CHANGE! I don't want to make excuses for myself - I don't want to be lazy!

I have so many cool things coming up this year to keep me motivated - but I quickly forget about them when I don't want to watch my portions. This year I am going to Seattle for the first time, the beach, and the mountains. I haven't been on vacation since 2004! In 2004 we traveled overseas and I was at 260, where I am now - and I had bruises on my hips from the plane ride because I had to stuff myself into the seat. It was so embarrassing when I couldn't put the tray down to eat my dinner because my stomach was too big. I don't want that to happen this year - I don't want to feel that way again.

I read success stories about people who just start changing how they eat and lose a ton of weight and never go back... yet I keep running around the same mountain -- do those people never run into obstacles?

-3 LB, 80 To Go???

I am really nervous to post my weight for this week.

The scale says I am at 255... but I can't believe it to be right..

I haven't done too well this past week... I mean I had Hibachi one night... which included tons of rice! I had somewhere around 3 pieces of my son's graduation cake.. (I ended up having to throw nearly the entire cake away because I couldn't keep myself from pigging out over it)

I honestly can't believe this loss to be real. Secondly, I don't want to get excited about reaching my first goal then next week find that it was just some kind of fluke.

I weighed myself like 5 times in a row... but I think I am going to wait out this week - if I am still at 255 or below next Friday then I will reward myself for the loss and add it into my weight loss chart... if not then it will be just a fluke...

I really don't understand the human body.

Did you write that down?

I have been using the Weight Watcher Journal to record what I eat every day. I recently finished the journal and couldn't get a new one because I refuse to pay $12 a week to buy a $10 journal. Sorry, but I think $12 a week is really steep of a price for stepping on a scale.

So, anyways I started browsing online to find a journal. I received the one I ordered and I absolutely love it!

It is small enough to go with me everywhere - it has everything listed that anyone dieting would want to track - and it even has spot for before and after photos! So, I thought I would recommend it to anyone looking for one.

DietMinder Personal Food and Fitness Journal

- 2 LB, 83 To Go

I am pretty proud of myself this week. I remembered to take all of my medication everyday and I stayed in my point range everyday. That is a huge accomplishment for me considering what a basket case I was in April.

On another note, I have *officially* lost 30 lbs. I haven't lost that much in a long time. I pray I keep on going!

Only 3 lbs to my first goal... I am not sure if I am going to reward myself with a new purse and wallet or new pair of gym shoes. I really need the shoes... I haven't been to the gym since April 30th. I don't know why it is so hard for me to get myself there lately... I love working out and it makes me feel so much better - why couldn't I want to indulge in that serotonin release other than the one that comes from food and leaves me feeling crappy and guilty afterward...? Will I ever find something to replace my high from food? For Mother's Day my husband got me a Nintendo DS with a puzzle game on it. So whenever I am bored, restless, or anxious I can play a quick game instead of doing the mindless munching thing. So far, it has helped a lot. I have started, slowly, to relate playing a puzzle with relaxing.

Once again changing is such a hard thing to do!

- 2 LB, 85 To Go

Alrighty, now if I can just break through the 50's that would be great!

I'm thinking about getting a new scale.. I would really like to have one that lists your percentage of body fat and water.

Well, I am pooped -- I will be back later in the week!

+ 1 LB, 87 To Go

Ah, I really don't have anything to say... other than I have been really slacking lately.

Whenever I fall off of the wagon it is really hard for me to get motivated to catch up and hop back on...

Why is that? The benefits of being healthy are so numerous - yet it is hard to stick with it. That is something I don't understand about myself.

One thing I have noticed is that I am having a hard time lowering my portion sizes. I lowered them and lost roughly 30 lbs - but now I need to lower them even further to keep going - but I am having a difficult time dealing with the hunger... and frequent need to snack. I am tittering between 260 - 262. So at least I am maintaining - now I just have to motivate myself to break through this rough spot.

Ahhh, gotta roll up the sleeves and get it done.

- 1 LB, 86 To Go

Ah, well in the month of April I actually gained a pound. March was an awesome month with a 9 LB loss. I guess we all have some bad days, weeks, and months.... right? Oh, well I am determined to make May worth while.

My mouth isn't gonna win this month!

My Weight Chart:

+3 LB - 87 To Go

This month has been a BIG challenge...

But I have been getting up at 5:30 am and trekking it to the gym to workout. Working out at night was just too difficult to insure -- so now I go before my husband leaves for work. I made it 3 times this week ;) My goal is to go 3X a week until the end of May ... then I may bump it up to 4X week.

I have been very forgetful lately on the reasons why I want to work so hard to lose weight. My munching has been taking over and I have been really lazy about what I eat and if I journal it. So, I made myself a *Reward* Chart for some motivation.

@ 255: A new purse and wallet. (I need one for the summer!)
@ 235: New gym shoes. (I really want a new pair of Nike's!)
@ 215: A new mattress. (Ours has huge sags in it where I have laid on it!)
@ 195: New jewelry. (Smart Glass Jewelry)
@ 175: New hairdo!

I have already figured out the purse and shoes I want - it motivates me to know I can go get these things because of my hard work.

I also made a deal with myself that everyday that I stick to my point range and eat healthy I will deposit $1 into my savings account. When I get to my goal I will take the money and do something special for myself with it. Who knows what - but I am sure I won't have any problems deciding then! Now, if within that same week I have a horrible day I will subtract a $1 out of the account. So, if in 1 week I do great 5 days but mess up 2 then I will deposit $5 but subtract $2 giving me only $3 to deposit. I figured this goal could motivate me to not think "Oh, this extra *something something* won't hurt me." I am going to do my deposits on a weekly basis starting next week.

Whatever works right?

Patchey the Pirate Visits!

Argh... this week has been horrible! I am PMSing so bad - I am irritable, and all I want to do it eat mindlessly! I have been munching on cookies, chips, coke... the list could go on. While I am PMSing I feel like I have lost the reins, sturups and I am running wild!

How do you handle it?

When I go for something to munch on I grab some gum and go wild trying to keep myself at bay. It works for a little bit. I figure if smokers can replace smoking with chewing gum then I can replace my munchies with gum chewin'.

When I am PMSing things that usually don't tempt me begin to...I found a left over Dark Chocolate bunny from easter and it tasted so good - I wished it lasted forever!

I would love to hear from anyone about how you compromise with your PMS!!!

- 1 LB, 84 To Go

Well, I have reached the 10% mark.

Many things I have read claim that once you lose 10% of your body fat that your P.C.O.S. symptoms will improve.

Have mine improved? Well, I am controlling my sugar levels better, and my acne has reduced significantly. My hair growth has prolly gotten a little worse... but other than that I am starting to feel a lot better.

On a positive note, I have noticed an increase in my energy levels. As far as my body, my pants are much baggier. I can take off my jeans without unbuttoning them - which is nice! My stomach fat has been reduced significantly - which helps my insulin resistance. Plus, I can bend over more easily and cross my legs more easily too. All of these things help keep me motivated to keep trying my best to change.

I want control again - and I know I can have it. God promises it, I just gotta work for it. After carrying this weight for the past years I don't' mind at all the work that comes before the reward!

Sometimes I get anxious because I don't think I am losing fast enough. I know... I am demented! But, I remind myself that I am in no rush and I should enjoy the journey of learning how to change. What a simple thing that can be soooo hard!

0 LB, 85 To Go

Ah, well I haven't been the best angel this week, so I can't blame anyone but myself. There were some days this week that I didn't get any veggies in... yes, I know it is horrible!

Oh, well today is a start of a new week - and I am going to do much better!

Tonight, my husbands family is coming over for dinner. They want a meatless pasta dish for Lent and they are bringing something chocolate oriented for dessert. I am thinking of making myself some angel food cake that I can have for dessert that won't be so high in points.

I just hate eating something different than everyone else.. everyone always asks you why you aren't eating their food... "You don't like it?", "You're on a diet?" Then I have to explain everything to them... and I hate it -- they all are skinny and don't think twice about their weight much less what they eat... I am the only fat one in the bunch and I hate getting attention for it.

We are all going to the beach in September for a family trip. I really hope that by then I will have made a lot more progress so I won't feel so out of place in my bathing suit. Mostly, I want my good eating habits to be much more of a habit so their dining won't be hard to resist.

Five Favorite Foods

Abba put up her five favorite weaknesses, and I started thinking of my own...

1. Filet Mignon

2. Chocolate Chip Cookies

3. Burritos

4. Coke/Root Beer

5. Cupcakes

I am a huge carb freak. I love bread, sugary cakes... I love cupcakes with filling in the middle... I LOVE dunkin donuts cream filled donuts... I love anything chocolate chip oriented... anything Mexican oriented.

I constantly battle with my addiction with sugar. Sometimes I wish the crap didn't exist. I have thought that it may be due to my insulin resistance as to why I crave it all the time. Since my cells don't absorb insulin, they don't get glucose - so my brain screams for sugar and I go nuts trying to get enough, then finally my body gets its glucose and I crash... It is a HORRIBLE cycle. But, thank God for medicine - because now that I have been consistently taking it for 6 months + my sugar cravings have diminished quite a bit. It is a lot easier to manage my portion sizes.

You know, my husband is starting to notice my weight loss. Since he sees me everyday I knew that when he started to notice my weight loss - I would be making some mad progress. It feels really nice to be actually accomplishing something that I thought was near impossible... but I don't want to jinx myself because I still have a way to go.. and a lot more to learn.

- 5 LB ~ 85 To Go

Wow, I didn't realize how much my cycle makes a difference in the scales. I think I will be able to live with it, though... ;)

I set mini goals each week, and each month for my weight loss. It keeps me going, and I don't get overwhelmed with the larger picture. This month my goal was 259 by today... I missed it by 1 lb - I think that is pretty good!

I am sick once again - so I have missed the gym all this week. Really ticks me off because I want to go! I love putting on my iPod and just letting my mind go. It is the one time in my day that I can be alone and think only about myself and what I want to accomplish.

You might wonder why I am always sick... well combination of children and 5,000 + pollen count and you have your answer. Gotta love it!

My hubbie and I got to get away to a Thrashers game last night - I want to get a Jersey to wear to the games but I told myself I am going to wait until next season (October) when I can get into a Large... I want this one.
I am going to get into it too! (Positive thinking works... right?!?)

+2 LB - 90 To Go

Ah... I was doing so well this past month... but I am hoping that my gain is primarily due to my cycle.. lets hope!

I hate my period. About 3 days before its arrival I get so iggy, and I just want to munch & munch! But, really paying attention to my reactions this month has brought some things into light for me. I feel extremely anxious while PMSing. I can't sleep, I worry about everything, and in return I get really irritable. I just feel really stressed in general. But, about 2 days into my period I start to feel normal again, and controlling my snacking is easy again.

About every week I try to write something down, or find a picture that motivates me. I usually keep it in my pocket, in my purse, or better yet on the cookie tin! Last week's motivational message was a reminder that a new mall is opening close to my place in October and I want to go shopping and enjoy every bit of it! This week I found a picture on a L. B. coupon I got in the mail. I really love the picture. She is curvy, normal sized, yet beautiful. That is what I want to achieve. I don't want to be a supermodel, or super thin, I just want to be a beautiful woman.

Weeks Weight Loss: 2 LB - 88 To Go

Oh my gosh!!! I lost 2 lbs this week again! I am so pumped! I can't believe that I now only have 88 lbs to lose... 88 sounds so much better than 113! My brother saw me today and told me he could tell that I am losing weight -- I can't believe I am finally getting somewhere! You fight yourself for so long and now I finally feel as if I am starting to make progress. I am so glad that I have all the ladies and gents in the weight loss world to share it with! I pray that everyone else has as good of results if not better!

Weeks Weight Loss: 2 LB - 90 To Go

Wow, this weeks loss was a real shock to me. I didn't do the greatest with my food choices, but I did stay within my points range. I was expecting to have no change if I was lucky!

So, things have been relatively easy with the points system. I first tried WW back in 2001. I failed miserably, and hated the diet. But, looking back on everything that has happened, I believe I had to endure much more restrictive diets, and failures so I could grow into really wanting to be healthy, and not so much for vanity purposes. Now, don't get me wrong I do look forward to liking my body again, liking my reflection, and liking my image... but now that is just icing on the cake... not the cake itself.

Weeks Weight Loss: 2LB - 92 To Go

Yay! I am so pumped that I lost 2 lbs doing WW! It was amazingly easy for me... just knowing I can have pretty much whatever I want motivates me to move forward just because I don't have to freak about .. "Can I eat that?" "Is that food included on my list?" So, I am one happy chic!

The only obstacle I am facing now is going to the gym. I have to wait on my hubby to get home so I can go.. but more and more he can't make it home in time for me to go before I'm too tired to go. This past week I had to ask my mom to watch the kids so I could go... at least once this past week. My mom doesn't live close by... it can take me up to 45 minutes to get to her place and then I have to drive another 20 to get back to the gym and back to her place then back to my house... yeah, BIG pain. So, I guess I am going to have to start going during the day when my kids are in school - my youngest is in MDO so that only comes twice a week. The only reason I don't go then is because my bestest friend in the whole wide world supports me by going with me after she gets off of work. To give you an idea of why she is the BFITWWW, she goes to school from 9-330 - then work from 5-930 - and then she meets me at the gym at 945 and works out with me until 11pm! That is her schedule Mon - Fri!!! To boot -- she is only 13 lbs overweight... yeah I couldn't do without her!

Alright, my kids are calling... I hope everyone has a wonderful week and happy scales next week!!!

Weeks Weight Loss: 0LB - 94 To Go

Kinda not surprised that I didn't lose this week. There were two days that I just binged...and usually I binge on something that is sweet - but this time it was chips, popcorn, pretzels.. all I wanted was salt!

But, I got a hold of myself and went to Weight Watchers this past Thursday. I got on the scale wearing my jeans and a t-shirt and their scale said I was at 270! I was really happy because usually whenever I go anywhere other than my scale I am disappointed with the huge difference. So, I did join Weight Watchers. I am kinda excited and nervous about it. Today is day 2 and it just seems too easy. I felt funny being able to eat pancakes (nutrigrain) in the morning if I want. I am just so used to telling myself that there are foods that I just can't have... but on this plan I choose healthy options first and if I have room I can sneak in some "bad" foods. So, essentially they are not "bad" anymore. Honestly, it does seem like something I could do for the rest of my life. I have no idea if my body is going to react positively due to my insulin resistance... but I have to try or I will never know. This could be the plan that I could see through to the end. Lets pray so right!?

Hypoglycemia?

Well, I have been doing Phase 1 of South Beach. I started feeling bad Friday, but I brushed it off to the weather, then again Saturday and it was a lot worse. I was lightheaded, spacey, couldn't concentrate, irritable, and my skin kept flushing, plus heart palpitations. So, I was reading about what could be going on and it is possible that my blood sugar was just way too low. I am on metformin for my P.C.O.S. and it regulates my blood sugar - but I think the combo of my meds and Phase 1 just don't mix.

So... I am back to square one. Plus, I just feel like I am starting to lose weight too fast - Friday I was at 269 and this morning I was at 267... I feel a lot better about losing 1-3 lbs a week because I know it will be a lot easier to keep it off for good. I never get excited when I lose weight quickly because in the past it has always came back to visit.. with some friends.

So, yesterday I was visiting my Mom, and I told her what was happening. She got really mad at me, because she doesn't think low carbin' is good for me due to my high side effects and ever higher failure rate. Her and my aunts just joined Weight Watchers and she was showing me their plans. Their Core Plan is pretty much the South Beach diet. She thinks that WW would be better for me because it is realistic with how I prefer to eat now, except portions and frequency. So, I have been considering joining. My husband got a little aggravated when I told him I wanted to join because I have wasted soooo much money in the past on weight loss attempts. So, I asked him about me joining (I think there is no registration fee right now) and just going monthly to save on money. He seemed okay with that.

I am really tired of reaching for straws.. I just want to find a eating plan that I will stick to. But, I guess I just need to force myself to do it - like I do going to the gym. So, honestly I am going to give this plan some real willpower. I'm gonna go on Thursday.

Weeks Weight Loss: 1 LB - 94 To Go

Wow, it is shocking that I am in the 60's. But, it really makes me happy! I don't want to get too excited because I'm on my period and I know water retention can change everything. So, the true test will be next Friday. I am going to start going to the gym again on Monday. I am feeling a lot better and I can breathe. Plus, I miss it!

Fun Facts

Currently at 270, I am Morbidly Obese.

At 260 I will be Obese. (Last time at this weight: 2004)

At 195 I will be Overweight. (Last time at this weight: 2000)

At 160 I will be Normal. (Last time at this weight: 1998)

I have only weighed 160 once that I can remember. It was 9 years ago and I achieved it by only eating one meal a day. As soon as I starting adding lunch back into my eating habits I was back up to 180. So, since I am going about my weight loss a little more healthy maybe I can achieve it without starving myself.

1 pound is equal to 3,500 calories. I have 95 lbs to lose, which translates to 332,500 calories!!! I can't believe that I have consumed that many calories over what my body actually needs!

What a little piggy I have been! Oink! I think I am done with the "piggy" scene... now I am ready for more of a "kitty" scene... tidy, groomed, and dynamic.

Heart Day. Down 2, 95 To Go.

Happy Valentines to everyone! I actually don't celebrate valentines... I think the day is nothing more than a marketing ploy - I do give my kids some candy, and maybe get my husband a card -but that is about it.. I dunno, I guess I just really don't care about it... but Happy Day to all of you that do care about it!

Anyways, I went to the doctor this past Monday and she told me that my sugar was great (yay!) but my triglycerides are high (Blah!). So, in order for me to see the ripe ole age of 30, I decided I have to get serious about what I put in my mouth.

So today, Valentines I am starting Phase 1 of South Beach again. South Beach works for me, I can stick to it, and most importantly I feel awesome when I follow it. So, I am starting over - as far as eating is concerned.

I promised myself that 2007 would be the year I changed my life. I got really upset thinking that a month and half of the year is gone and I haven't lost as much as I could because I have been lazy. So, I told myself I am doing this - I am not giving up - I may give myself days to splurge - but other than that I am sticking to it!

I did somehow manage to lose 2 lbs this past week. ;)

Wk Weight Loss: 1 LB - 97 To Go

Well, another one down. I am sure I am not going to see a loss this Friday just because I have been sick with a cold and haven't be able to go workout. On top of feeling bad from my cold - I feel horrible for not working out... it really does make me feel better.

Thanks BG for the comments on the cereal. I think you are completely correct - I cut out the cereal and I found that 1) I was less hungry and 2) I didn't crave sugar as much throughout the day. So, I have came to the conclusion that I need to eat something with a significant amount of protein in it for breakfast. But, I don't care for eggs, sausage or bacon... so does anyone have any ideas? I'm sure I am overlooking something that would work. I do love Atkins Carb-Free Shakes - but they are pricey!

I have been thinking about joining the Biggest Loser Club Online. I wouldn't mind some structured help with my diet... but I dunno if I want to pay $20 a month for it...

Well, that is about it -- I will be back hopefully this weekend. Good week to all!

Wk Weight Loss: 1 lb - 98 To Go

Well, at least I lost something. I have been really down on myself because I have been eating so horribly. The trainer at Gold's told me that your diet is 70% of your success in weight loss. Well, I have the 30% exercise part licked - just gotta get the other going in the right direction.

Lately, all I have been wanting to eat is cereal. A particular brand - Life Honey Graham. I have been having two bowls for breakfast and then snacking or eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch then having another bowl for dinner. It is all I want! I am just gonna have to not let myself buy it anymore! But, I figured it wasn't' such a bad cereal to eat - 240 calories in 2 bowls with only 14 grams of sugar. What do ya think?

I did have specific dates for certain weight goals. I changed that -- there is no way I can lose 18 lbs in 4 weeks. I do want to lose 100 lbs by the end of this year - but I don't want to set myself up for failure and burn out because things aren't going the way I think they should be. I keep reminding myself that my body isn't what it used to be. UNFORTUNATELY!!

So my goals are listed for every 20 lbs and I will post pics as soon as I get to them. I would like to lose between 8-10 lbs a month.. but if I don't I am not gonna end it all.

Weeks Weight Loss: 1 LB

Alrighty, my loss wasn't as much as I would have liked for it to have been - but I know there are a lot of things that kept it pretty steady. Some of those things were out of my hands and some where right in the middle of my hands. But, I am livin' and learnin' so I'm gonna make this week a little better. I actually worked out four times this past week... the week before I only made it twice so I felt really bad.

During my workout on Tuesday I started feeling really bad. My head started hurting, my ears started ringing and I felt real nauseous. I had to walk the track for 15 mins before I started feeling better. I wasn't so sure what might have caused that but then I realized I haven't been drinking my water like I should. So this week I have got to make sure I drink at least half of my days worth an hour before I workout.

I put on some of my really tight jeans and they are loosening up some. I know I have lost weight - the scale says so - but I am not feeling too much of anything right now. I hope that I will begin to feel a significant change soon. I don't want to lose a lot of weight and still be in "fat mode" mentally. That is the worst part about being fat - how you you think!

Last years resolution revisited.

Well, I hope everyone is having a great new year. I have been doing the same ole thing... working out and cleaning my house. ;)

I didn't weigh in on the 5th because my gym partner forgot her journal to record her results... so I weighed myself at home on Saturday and my scale at home said 270.2 - I am trying not to get my hopes up that my weight is that low because the gym's scale is about 2-3 lbs off from mine at home. So to play it safe I am waiting until this Friday to do my official weigh in at the gym.

This is my 6th week working out. I have pretty much stuck to my schedule of 4x week @ 1 hr cardio. I am trying to be conscious of how many calories I eat along with what type of foods I am eating. Usually for breakfast I have an Atkins Shake or some type of All Bran cereal with skim milk. I have been snacking on strawberries, raspberries, and no sugar added yogurt. For lunch I have a South Beach or Lean Cuisine meal. For dinner I pretty much eat whatever I want but I try to incorporate veggies and a lean meat like chicken or turkey. I have been substituting ground turkey for ground beef.

I have been doing mostly cardio for my workouts. My usual workout is 15 mins on the treadmill, StairMaster, bike, and elliptical (in that order). My heart rate usually gets to 120 on the treadmill, 145-150 on the StairMaster, 130 on the bike, and 155 on the elliptical. I figure that is pretty good since my target heart rate should be between 120-160. I briefly spoke with a personal trainer at the gym and she told me to focus on cardio until I got a lot of my weight off then start introducing weights to reshape my body. My gym partner keeps trying to get me to do more weights - but I am sticking to what the personal trainer said... I hope I am not doing it incorrectly -- any suggestions?